First Time that I Didn't Go to the Memorial - Now Depressed
by daniel-p 35 Replies latest jw friends
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gubberningbody
It's not the business of going or not going to the memorial which is at issue, but rather the lack of internal harmony in your marriage. You and your wife are at odds. I feel sorry for you on that point, but you need to find a path that will take your wife out of the JW's and into something better. You need to lead the way.
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Gayle
How about this weekend, take a trip to the mountains or beach, big lake or awesome scenery with your wife. I find such majestic places revive my spiritual need.
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Mad Sweeney
I'm feeling down today, too, after a first-time absence from the M. For me, I think it is the residual guilt and fear programming, and the knowledge that the fade can't last forever; they WILL catch up and DF me sooner or later. The thought of living on the run (so to speak) is hard to take. It's stressful.
It just takes time to come to terms with everything.
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thetrueone
First Time that I Didn't Go to the Memorial - Now Depressed
But you made Jesus smile because you didn't sit with this organization of corruption and deceit.
You are now respectively clean in the eyes of god, something to be very proud of.
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thetrueone
The problem is not with you Daniel-P, its with your wife not realizing or seeing the devil standing at the front doors of the Kingdom Hall.
The digressive guilt should be place on to your wife's shoulders, certainly not you.
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Heaven
daniel-p, I posted this on the other thread that you commented on.
Just an idea but why not suggest to your wife that the 2 of you celebrate at home next year? Do it up real nice and have a great time together!
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Gregor
In any case, I feel depressed now, and I don't know why. I don't necessarily feel like I should have been there, but that it reminded me of my own lack of spirituality. Or emptiness. Or loneliness. Like something in me is meant to be filled, either spiritually or socially.
The emptiness that I feel and the awkwardness with my wife is not something I want to live with the rest of my life.
It's called "the weenies curse". get used to it or man up.
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manicmama
I agree with gubberning body. It's not really depression but GUILT that has been instilled by the borg from day 1 and the perpetuation & continuance from your wife that is making you feel this way. Once you let that control issue go it will just be another day. Or do like my hubby and I did, enjoy a nice drink & dinner on the patio and enjoy the great weather and feel sorry for those poor souls that had to hurry home get all dressed up and sit through a boring talk. It felt so good!
MM
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daniel-p
undercover: It felt like I was taking one of the last remaining things away from her... the chance to go for one night with her husband and not feel lonely when everyone else's family and friends were there. I could see now how she would feel especially lonely... and I guess I absorbed some of that feeling myself.
neverending: She knows I don't beleive a lick of it, and I've been faded 4 years. And I know its all designed to keep me in the fold, but that's just the point; since I've stopped believing, there's no threat. So what's the harm in going for her?
Judge Dread: If only it was that simple.
Witness: Hope so. With my new job across the country, I hope it will give us both a chance to start again in many respects.
Baba: I hear you, but the whole "emptiness" thing hasn't really sunk in yet. I've been reading the Tao te Ching, and I feel the same way... I still don't know what it's talking about half the time.
PSac: I'm not sure. In part, I yearn for some of what I lost: friends, routine, community. Ever since I faded 4 years ago, I've had none of that. Niether has my wife, much. In addition, I want my spirituality back--whatever that was. Of course, it was never much as a JW, but at least I had some pretext of faith then... I like the idea of a personal God or Jesus, but its hard to build this thing back up again. It's like I have a huge house inside me I need to build and its in shambles.. don't know where to begin, don't have any tools, nor any idea what it should look like. In the same way, I want to find a new affinity with something of the God I knew and the Bible, but when I actually read it I can't help but see it for what it is. But in a way, all this existential pain has its own reward. Wanting to find God makes me humble.
Outlaw: Will certainly do this. Maybe a nice big steak dinner--she loves prime rib, and it'd be good for the baby (its at 38 weeks!)
gubberning: I hear you, and think this is the major issue. We've co-existed quite well since I faded, but there is still that division. She hardly goes to meetings (twice a month) and never goes out in service. But she's guilty about it and I think still resents me for influencing her. Of course, I've never opposed her, but taken the high road and not tried to "apostasize" to her. I guess when you look at it, there are two outcome: she leaves the JWs like I did, and we go our merry way, starting fresh, or I acquiesce and we raise our kids as fringe-JWs. OR, of course, we split up somewhere down the road, while she stays in and I get to be the estranged, apostate father. But getting her out intact has been difficult. As I said, I haven't been forceful with her, and never criticise her beliefs. We just don't talk about it. I try to be the best husband I can be, and as loving as possible. But the fact remains as long as she stays in she will not have that "need" met.
Gayle: That is certainly something we should do, although her parents are coming for a visit this weekend and we are planning a special country picnic with them. Plus, only two more weeks till she's due. We're trying to get in as much as we can before we have the baby, but she is still fisnishing nursing school.
Sweeney: I understand. Living on the run describes it well, although it is also living under cover.
thetrueone: I don't have much guilt, but she does, because she knows she's not doing what she should be doing. I don't want her to have any guilt, because she is not capable of coping under that heavy yolk.
Heaven: Someday it may come to that. I will think on that.
Gregor: It's not weenie to be sensitive to your own and others' needs.
