Just in case there are any faders that need help breaking the news:
I am posting this letter I left with my mother after I explained to her in person that I no longer wanted to be "in the truth". This was the hardest thing I have ever done & I was crushed that I hurt her so badly. I needed to leave, and I hope that she understands one day. She never responded to this letter, but still it was very therapeutic to write :)
Aug 2009 to mom:
I know you may not be happy with my life choices today.
I wish I could shield you from any pain- wish I could remain the kind of person you want me to be, and be proud of me. But I have chosen to not taking the course to be proud of. I’m making what feels like a selfish way out.
I don’t hold out false hopes right now- things like faith and hope are absent in me now, they left me almost five years ago (maybe even earlier than that). Please understand and believe its not your fault . I know you will still blame yourself anyway. Many people will feel they should've done more- but don’t torture yourself.
I am old enough to know better and I am able to make my own decisions. I am claiming my life as my own and not considering this time if it will make everyone else happy. Maybe I will rediscover faith and hope along the way, that’s an unknown and who knows what may happen? I feel have to take the risk in order to live my own life to it fullest.
I just cant live like a shell, or a ghost of a person anymore. I feel alive for the first time in about a decade now. I wish so much that I could share that part of my life with you.
Right now I see that you are so unhappy. I look back over your 70 years and gasp, you made so many sacrifices for your faith and what has it gotten you??? I know you are waiting for the new system to be happy, but at what cost????
My God! I just can’t keep doing it any more. The sorrow I feel inside by trying to sustain what you want me to be is to immense. I feel I have to be a whole person and not someone else’s perfect little girl. I tire of all the questions. Now the true girl can be seen without doubts of her intentions. I’ve let myself down for too long.
Please remember this is a choice I’ve made by myself, for myself. You are not to blame, you can’t make choices for me any more, only I can.
I love you mom and dad and will always be here for you when you need me. I cannot remove myself from being your daughter. That will always be a part of me.