So...the third and final session was pretty straightforward. They basically asked some more questions about the first woman, before I got back with the woman who became my wife. Then they asked what seemed like nothing more than a customer survey of "how are we doin'?" I spoke well of them, recognizing the need for civility even amongst mortal enemies like them.
They asked one final time, "Do you recognize the faithful and discreet slave, and that there is an organization that God is using today?" "No," I said. They continued with the false dilemma of presenting the notion that because there was one first-century Christian congregation, therefore there must be one organization today to preserve something that disappeared as far as its purest form 1,900 years ago.
They were willing to forgive the fornication, but, as I eavesdropped, I could hear through the door. One of them said, "I can't be dealing with no apostates in the congregation!"
It was maybe 10-15 minutes before they called me back in to tell me I was to be disfellowshipped. Announcement will be made on the 10th, right after the special assembly day. The thing that seemed particularly hypocritical was that they just ended the committee right there--no prayer, nothing. Just, that's it. Bye. If you really hope that I get "restored" spiritually, why not have the decency to offer one last prayer in my behalf? Instead, just cold silence.
I could choose to appeal, but on what basis? They made clear last time that in order to have 'salvation' I have to believe and teach false doctrines and that those things are unimportant. Well, if that's how God works, who the heck wants to live under his rulership? What's the difference between that and any other government official? But this is just like Steve Hassan points out, well, if we're taught honesty, but the leadership routinely lies about its history and lies, period, how can God approve of that?
I realized that if I'd just acknowledged the slave class, I could have spared my family, relatively speaking. I could have maintained some hope of closeness with my wife, maybe even had the chance for intimacy with her again. But I'd be making a deal with the Devil. One U.S. president once said, courage is being able to walk up to the devil and tell him to his face that he is a devil. That make sense? I'm not going to be your Vader, okay? I see that you're Sidious, I'm gonna cut your freaking head off and worry about the rest later.
Funny thing is, I'll probably still say hi to people until they try to mess with me about it--at least those who don't know. I'll just tell them I'm not under their jurisdiction and that they need to get THEIR people under control if they have a problem with it. But given my wife's complete inability to keep her mouth shut, it'll be halfway across 3 circuits within the week.
I told my wife after I got home. (I told my therapist first, though it was just leaving a voice mail.) She seemed, well, as usual, her initial reaction means little. If it's any indication, my freakin' clothes may be out front when I get home from work tomorrow. She wondered if I was going to go to the meeting today. I told her I would go with her to the meetings, but she assumed I would change my mind after the verdict. She was partially correct. But I refuse to be demonized further by these bastards for not supporting my wife.
Hmm. My wife just asked me to do our taxes, but to have the refund deposited in HER account. ... Why does that suddenly make me very nervous? I've been good to her. I didn't have to marry her; I wanted to. I've given her a home, one where she doesn't even have to work if she doesn't want to. I've cared for her. Is she going to leave me? Is that what the plan is? Why doesn't she trust me enough to show her exactly what the refund is going to be and to give her 66% of it like we discussed?
We just finished discussing today the concept of 'cultivating love that never fails'. But what I noticed was an absence of actual information about any real love being showed. Love was just a matter of obeying God's commands. The straw man of 'romantic love' was paraded out in the first couple of paragraphs, as if that's the only love the world understands, apart from loving themselves and money and pleasures. There are a lot of people out there who are willing to die for each other, and even willing to die for JWs--you know, like those soldiers who saved their behinds from the Nazi death camps by fighting those evil wars?
Suddenly I'm reminded of that moment at the end of X-Men 2, when William Stryker is telling Wolverine of the supposed futility of going with the mutants instead of with him. "Who has the answers? Hmm? Those people? That creature there in your arms?" I'll always remember Wolverine ripping off his dog tags and saying, "I'll take my chances with them."
I admit, I tried making friends in the organization before, but I found the people to be shallow, self-centered, gossip-hounds. Or ultra-spiritual and therefore better than everyone else and prying into your life to see how you can be more like them. There were a rare few who were spiritual and still regular people. But a lot of people ended up on one side or the other of that continuum. There are good people amongst them. But they don't stand for anything. They don't know how.
My wife is the one who helped me to learn reality in the first place, simply by her own actions, years ago. The pain of losing her was enough to wake me up. Now, just the same, she has provided me with the means of escaping this cult. It's over. I'm free.
A lot of feelings got slaughtered in the process. Inside, I waged civil war against myself, believing that my true identity was an evil that needed to be destroyed. Last year, I found out that the authorities themselves were the true evil, and they were trying to get me to kill myself. I waged war against them. They have declared me a non-person. But my war against them has only just begun.
Metaphorically, it feels like a lot of good people died to get to this point. I used to wonder if those sacrifices had been in vain. (I realize, of course, that that can also be taken literally, tragically enough.) But now I know, those sacrifices were not in vain. Freedom was hard-earned. And the only way to keep it is to keep watch over the watchmen. To make sure they do not violate our freedoms or the freedoms of those we love. If we can.
I feel very sad, and yet...I know that it's really not that relevant. Today's session was more revealing as to what kind of people they really are, at least the ending. And of course, if you're the abuser, of course you can say, "Oh, we weren't trying to threaten you." They actually claimed that. But they wanted to know why I was taking notes. (sigh)
Well, I've got to go. Wife wants these taxes done. I loved her. But honestly, I hope she does take the money and run. That way, my life will be easier. It was a terrible mistake to bring her into what was inevitable. I was an idiot. Now I'm married to a woman who will hate me for the rest of her life.
I hate this religion. It is an abuse of freedom of religion. Its methods are unethical and immoral. The regular people do not need to suffer for that. The Governing Body alone needs to be held responsible. I hope someone, someday, will find a way to do that.
Take care, folks. I'm losing my calm, but I'm probably just in a state of shock or something. At least it's over, you know? That's the main thing. Maybe we can get on with running the clock out on this frakked up existence.
--Christopher