What do I do?.......

by flower 14 Replies latest jw friends

  • flower

    i'm so upset the more i read and find out about the society. its all hard to take for me but i'm accepting it more and more. the problem i have is that i want so bad to tell my mom what i have found out. everyday i am so close to jumping up and blurting it all out to her. but i know if i do that i better be ready to lose them all possibly forever because if my dad finds out i said these kinds of things he would not be happy. i know its not my place to try to get people out of this org but i just cant stand that people are being duped especially my mom. dont care much about the rest of the jw's in the fam as those relationships and any normal feelings we had towards each other have long since been destroyed. but my mom i care about and hate that this is all her life is about. it is all her life is about now because she lost her eyesight due to diabetes about two years ago and now she just sits home mostly doing nothing. once a week she goes out on a study with another sister and her excitement is mostly just going to the meetings. she is just waiting for the end to come so she will see again in paradise. but i want her to go to a school for the blind and learn to LIVE as a blind person and not just sit around like her life is over. shes only 57 but since she was also born in the 'lie' she has never had any kind of a life at all outside the org. i took her to her first broadway show last year and shes never been anywhere in the Caribbean or to any real vacation spot. my dad refuses to fly and for years refused to take any kind of vacation (until the society said we could have recreation) and when he finally did it was just a 13 hr car ride to an assembly in canada. i just want her to have a few happy years on this earth. i totally blame the society for her blindness too because if it werent for them she would have taken much better care of herself and her diabetes instead of having a 'paradise is right around the corner so why bother' attitude. i just know i could convince her if i was well prepared and it was well presented. i suspect the failed predictions have had an affect on her over the years and this will probably be the main point i would bring out. i remember when i was younger her telling us that 'we didnt even think Cliff (my oldest brother) was going to even go to school before the end'. now cliff is almost 40 and her grandson is in school. i'm sure she has thought about that. i'm rambling here but i really wanted to ask you guys if you think i should say something or just wait till i am emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally prepared for the fact that it wont be accepted and they will cut me off for good? right now i am living with them for financial reasons.


  • moman

    flower, be cool, think things out & remember this iz HIGH-LEVEL BRAINWASHING by the WT!
    You need to realize your loved ones are held captive by FEAR.
    The WT iz very clever in how they isolate the followers from the real world, leaving can be traumatic & they will be shunned.
    It iz also a matter of pride, remember, you are getting someone to realize they are WRONG & that their whole life waz a SCAM, who wants to look like a fool?
    My advice: walk carefully, pick your shots & keep educating yourself on "the Real TRUTH about the truth."

  • Patriot

    HI Flower,

    I know its tuff we've all been in that type of situation. But I think that it will be incredibly hard to convince your parents of any wrong doing on the WTs part.

    I'd hate to say it but its been my experience that the older a person is the less they are likely to WANT to reason about anything.

    Remember that you'll basically be telling her that she has been living a lie for the past 57 years and that her life was wasted on the WT. Many have gone into deep depression or even attempted suicide after learning the "truth" after so many years.

    You also risk getting shunned by the Cong. and your parents. You'll be an apostate in their eyes.

    Exodus who post here from time to time was a P.O. for many years because he did not want to hurt his mother by leaving after learning these things. But eventually he decided to tell her little by little and sooner or later people started getting the "feeling" that something was not right with him and eventually he was DFd for apostacy.

    Its crazy, I know but if I were you I would have a place of my own before talking to your mom, because it could get ugly. Their first reaction might be to get the elders then it will be downhill from there on.

    In any case I wish you good luck and hope the best for you and remember that you have many freinds here.


    Get busy living..or get busy dying...

  • flower

    Thanks for your comments guys. I guess I also should have mentioned that I am currently DF'd for the past couple of years. I spent the first 25 or so years of my life in the 'lie' before I drifted away and was eventually df'd for premarital sex. I know the hold that they have on people because I was under it even after I left. Until recently in fact. I guess I will have to wait until I am secure and then will talk to her. I feel its my obligation to at least try even if they will not listen or will cut me off.


  • Lindy

    Hmmm, a real tuffy not knowing more about your mom personally. But I was brought "in" when my mom started studying when I was 8 so I can relate. I am now 53. I had no religious training before my mom became a JW, although my mom was a practicing Catholic before I was born and she had me baptized one. But when she got together with my father she stopped going. So I was pretty much raised in the "Truth" too.
    I had lots of doubts over the years. You might focus on some of her past doubts to see if she says anything negative at all. I remember too, thinking my son would never make it to first grade in this system and now he is 33. I have three grandkids. The problem with doubts is that the Society has indoctrinated into its members the thinking that if you doubt it is something lacking in you so many that doubt don't talk about it. If they do others railroad them with how this is their fault and they need to study, pray, go out in the field more, etc. No one sits down and really discusses doubts. If you do then you are branded a rebel and marked.
    Your mom has known nothing else. Even if she has some big doubts in her mind she lays the blame on herself, like all good JWs do when they doubt. She has even more reason to believe now because of loosing her sight and getting older. The Society offers a "cure all” for world problems, sickness and even death, but only if you stay active, and that is what attracts people to it and keeps them there.
    When all the family is in, all your friends are in and some people work within the group and your social life is within it is hard to leave even when you know the facts about the Society. And to top it off, leaving is usually a long time process, the time depending on the individual and their needs and outside contact with the "world."

    I would advice you to take it slow. See where she stands on some old doubts. Skillfully maneuver the conversations with a little doubt here and there and see how she feels. Bring up a few less intense things you have felt and see how she feels about them and about you having a few doubts.

    Go slowly. As your own emotions are bouncing, imagine her feelings if she starts to really realize that the Society is false. She will have to deal with the facts like I did, that I wasted my whole life believing this crap and the fact that there now is not hope of a "cure all" for our health problems and what ever issues we deal with, and a whole lot more. The fantasyland that a JW lives is very real to them and to come away from that opens all sorts of life things to deal with like no cures for illness just around the corner and dying.

    It took me several years to work a lot of stuff out. It was very hard at times. If she is strong emotionally that will help. If not, you need to get her some support. If not, she will block out the new information and revert back to the Societies thinking and indoctrination. It is very hard for the mind to readjust to new thinking when your mind doesn't know how to think. And most JWs don't know how to think since the Society tells them they should not think independently of the Society and Jehovah. And the followers believe that with their whole hearts.

    BTW, as a 53 year old, I am now in college going into my second year this month. I have been on the Dean's list for the first year. I didn't think I could ever do it and it took an amount of time to get where I'm at. Your mom can do whatever she needs to also. You are right, she should go to school for the blind. Even as a JW she should. Encourage her to do this. It will build her confidence. It will make her less dependent on everyone including the JWs. It will get her somewhere the JW aren't. I would be good for her in so many ways.

    I wish you and your mom the best and I am sure that others here will help you continue on your own journey of discovering who you are too. Keep moving forward, it is worth every minute of the journey ahead.

    As Always,

  • Mum

    Take it slowww. It may sound strange to you, but I recommend that you attend Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is for people who are family and friends of alcoholics. However, it is also for anyone who is in a situation where they have no control. You can learn to let go and allow the individual to find their own way out of addiction. You will have greater peace of mind as well. You will be supportive and loving but not feel that you must be confrontational.

    Seize the day, and put the least possible trust in tomorrow. - Horace

    I have learned to live each day as it comes and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow. - Dorothy Dix

  • outnfree


    I agree that now is not the time to talk to your mom about these things. You must think of yourself and your son and be safely situated before you can think about rocking the boat at your parents'.

    Nonetheless, might you try convincing your mother to take those courses designed to help blind people WITHOUT rocking her spiritual world? Encourage her (even two-facedly with how much MORE she'd be able to do for Jehovah?) to learn appropriate skills.

    It is VERY upsetting to read and learn that the Society is not just MISTAKEN, but actually WICKED. My mother (never a witness) was visited by a sister and her young child last Friday and told the sister to go to this website and actually LEARN about her religion and how they mislead their adherents!!!! We were all duped, misled and bought into the lies... I remember having crying jags alternating with incredulity alternating with extreme anger as I learned more and more about the Society. You are not alone in your response. But listening to the advice of the seasoned ones on this board helps newbies to have a smoother transition out (which I realize YOU already are...) and also a smoother relationship with family still in (which is what you need MOST at this time).

    Hang in there, flower, and share all your newfound research and reactions here on the board. It's a great, SAFE outlet!


    It's what you learn after you know it all that counts -- John Wooden

  • david_10

    Hello,Flower. My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best. I have to put in with everyone else and advise you not to say anything that could endanger your standing with your parents. Since you are disfellowshipped,they are apparently willing to bend the rules a little or you wouldn't be living with them and they wouldn't be talking to you. So that's a start. I'm trying to think this through,but it might even be good if the elders started leaning on them a little about their association with you,and they could see first-hand some of the Society's heavy-handed mercy in action. What do think? Or would they buy the party line and ask you to move? Got to be careful here. But they are talking to you and that's something. And no one can say that older ones don't get fed-up with the organization and leave. I was born into the "truth",and both of my parents have left in the past year after 50+ years of faithful service. It doesn't happen often,but it does happen. But in the meantime,say nothing about their activities in the organization. One thing you might do,though,is start contacting schools for the blind and get a lot of information concerning cirriculum,financial aid, etc., and plant the seed that there is a big world out there and there's a lot of people that would love to associate with your mother and help her lead a fuller life. But whatever you do,don't run down the Organization. I sure hope it works out----let us know how it goes.


    P.S. Just read Mum's post,and she has a good point.The more you can learn about the addicted personality,the better you'll be able to cope and help them cope.

  • flower

    Thanks for your responses,

    david - part of what you said is the reason i think my mother can eventually be reached. she has always tried to do what the society says and never talks to df'd people in the cong. but over the years she has had her own sisters and brothers disfellowshiped after they became adults and even though she did stop associating with them much, she did bend those rules when necessary. Years ago she would only talk to them when necessary for family business or whatever, then she started talking to them a little more often. Now she will take care of family things with them and go out to lunch or dinner at the same time. Its not as big a deal now even though its still not normal association (she wont call them just to chat..but will chat if they call ). Also my oldest brother was df'd about 20 years ago and he was cut off from us for years but she kept contact with him occasionally over the years. She has never fully cut off any of us that are df'd and I believe this is because it goes against her own conscience to do so even if its what the society says to do. These are her flesh and blood. She also has grandchildren including my own son and she loves them to death and I think she has a hard time going against that feeling of wanting to be part of their life.

    the father on the other hand, does not speak to me although we live under the same roof. he used to totally ignore anyone df'd, even family but he has changed a little. now he doesnt speak to anyone in our family that is df'd unless he is in a forced situation and then its just a light conversation about nothing. but you should have seen how he beamed earlier this year when my grandmother died and he had all of us together at the funeral to take a picture (nine kids) we havent been together for a picture in over 20 years and i could tell he enjoyed having the whole family together. its unnatural what the society does to disfellowshiped family members. the reason he doesnt talk to me is more a personal thing in addition to the df'ing.


  • Joyzabel


    I'm sorry to hear your mother is in the shape she is in because of her belief the new system was near. Help her now to get whatever further education for blind she can get.

    As far as letting her know what you are learning, I agree with everyone else. Take it slow. S. Hassan suggests slow, little bits of info to help people look at their religion.

    Also, what are you going to offer her in return?? If you can't replace the hope you will be taking away with another hope, it might ruin her faith and I know that is not what you want to do to her.

    This is a lot of information you are learning and "digesting" for yourself. For the time being until you are ready for the consequences, you might just want to be cheerful and live a life that would help her see that you are ok with God.

    Just my 2 cents. j2bf

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