i wrote this for a local open mic comedy event:
i cannot speak with authority on marmite
but i know it is akin to vegemite, which i
believe, to genuine marmite advocates,
is a curse word, an insult, and if duels were still allowed,an offhanded comparison is legitimate grounds for challenge!for the totally clueless, firstly I beg your pardon
for intruding thusly into your psyche…..
but for those unacquainted with the notion of such a product, Vegemite is brewer's yeast concoction blended with ingredients
like celery, onion, salt, and a few secret ingredients to make
a paste that is sold in tubes and jars
my virgin vegemite experience was in the shaky isles...
the lovely neighbour east of australia, the pacific branch
of anglo expansion that wasn’t established by a cast-off
criminal overflow, and don’t you forget it…..
aotearoa, the land of the long white cloud… new zealand,
in auckland, at a CBD hotel restaurant, somewhat posh, but very public...
at the brunch buffet, i noted the little individual serving packets of the
substance, OSHA yellow with a red shield and white letters declaring
VEGEMITE, which to a yankee tourist held all manner of intrigue...
peeling off the protective cover, I observed a dark brown shiny paste
being uninitiated in the subtle art of yeast by-product consumption
i proceeded as one would with peanut butter or jam, and that is to
slather half the serving on a piece of buttered toast..
i was soon to discover that it could have been spread
on an asphalt shingle as far as i was concerned
in for a penny, in for a pound, why on earth would I nibble a corner
when a mouthful would impart the true experience much more readily…….
for one brief moment there was a smoky, salty taste
that rapidly built in intensity as it became apparent that
NO way on god’s green earth was THAT stuff going to
go down my throat, not for love or money
now i understand that vegemite is LESS INTENSE than marmite....
sort of like plutonium has a different radioactivity than uranium
but i doubt there would have been much difference in the outcome
every survival mechanism was in overdrive
trying to evacuate the substance and its
influence from the system in a desperate
attempt to overcome the insult and achieve
a homeostasis in order to preserve life.......
the grim reality was… I would either have to spit it out
in full view of the now staring patrons, confirming for
all time the notion of the ugly american or I would
have to swallow and hope not to have projectile issues
that might have me ejected from the country as a persona non grata….
rarely will you hear me admit….
i swallowed
the result:
eyes tearing
nose dripping
hyper-salivation
every orifice that had the potential
to release fluids obliged
choking
coughing
gagging
after the fact, the public humiliation, the baptism by fire
i learned from a local the technique of "scraping" the paste
on buttered bread or crackers.... imparting a film of the substance,
a smear as it were, that is more like a seasoning than a actual food substance….
some will claim the flavour to be similar to that of beef bullion….
i am yet to test the theory as the mere thought of unwrapping
a cube of bullion and popping it in my mouth like a cough drop
triggers flashbacks and dry heaves…. so I chose to remain uninformed
while I would never claim to be a fan of the stuff, I have had occasion
to properly consume it and survived with taste buds and dignity in tact
the truest thing I can say about the stuff….
it is definitely NOT peanut butter
