Why Aren't You At Least FAding? (page 2)

shamus100

I have to disagree with you on that one. Its no secret that there is a shortage of men in congregations, or maybe I should say "willing" men. As an Elder, I can't just start randomly missing meetings.

I agree with OTWO: Do something! You are still sitting on the fence, being an elder in a cult. Or do you not still fully believe that it's not true? In that case, take your time. But if you truly do believe it's bullshit, then resign being an elder. Get depressed! Boo hoo hoo, you will say. I just can't do it anymore, I need a break... My cat died... Who cares what they think?

It's just that easy. Then start missing meetings. What are they going to do, shepherd you? See my original post for what to say on that one.

Trust me, you'll be more afraid of spiders than elders in a year.

Open mind

Everybody's different.

Go at the pace that's best for YOU.

Don't let anyone on an internet discussion board pressure you into something that YOU aren't ready for.

If someone wants to be a behind-the-scenes fake elder for a decade, that's their choice.

The Watchtower makes the inflexible rules and everyone plays the game as they see fit.

om

Caligula1

Great discussion. Great ideas. Everyone is concerned. I agree with Open Mind, go at your own pace. Only you are there in person.

Also, I agree with Ms. Jones5. My Mom is in a similar boat, loosing her JW friends would crush her. She is a senior citizen.

I met Steve Hassan, the author of Combatting Cult Mind Control" about 15 years ago. And in his book he said that 5% of the people in a cult, are better off in the cult than outside of it. As a Black U.S. born American, I think in the urban community I'm from, it may be higher than 5%.

vivalavida

I was in a very similar situation like miseryloveselders, I got appointed as an elder a couple of weeks before the light bulb went on which, in my case, was caused by the child abuse debacle. At the time, I didn't know whether to act or just to react, but it came to a point where I simply couldn't go on telling lies (lies to me because I didn't believe anymore) so I started asking questions. And the other elders sensed that something was amiss and really tried helping, but with their unlogical way of thinking it wasn't working, it was actually making it worse.

Then the situation at home where the wife was always accusing me of being an hypocrite and treating me like one. But not being willing to listen to my reasons. It all built up to the point where I had to resign and I did. Sent a letter resigning at a particular date. No explanation, no reason. Just I don't want to be an elder anymore. I think I attended the congregation for a month or so after that, and then just stopped, point blank. Of course, the hounders were trying to help, and were getting annoying, so I had to DA. That day, it all stopped.

Fast forward a year, still have a good relationship with my mom and brother, even though they both are 'loyal' JWs. And recently had to buy a airplane ticket for my son and it was all arranged by my ex. I was just supposed to pay, but I decided to call the travel agent, who is a brother, just to see how he would react. Hey, it was supposed to be a 'business' call, but it turned out to be a very nice 'we miss you' conversation where he stated that he's not buying the shunning thing the WTS preaches.

So, even though I lost most of my supposed 'friends', some of them let themselves be led by their hearts, the way it should be.

Basically what I want to say is that, as an elder, there comes a moment when you HAVE to make a move. There is no way around it!

Vivalavida

inbetween

MLE, I quite understand your position, I am in similar "shoes"

fading as an elder is virtually impossible without facing more or less serious questioning.

If its not health, it must be something else. In my case, we had an elder resign some years ago, apparatently due to secular work reasons.

However, some time later, the real reason came up, he cheated on his wife.

If I ever would resign, I´m sure suspicions in this regard may run high, because my health has been very good so far, and I´m not good at faking things.

My goal is to resign sooner or later, but I need to find the appropriate timing. I work on my wife to get her used to the idea of switching congo, because this may be my only change.

But right now, we have a small BOE, where each one is needed desperately. Fortunetely, my fellow elders are of the more reasonable, intelligent kind, company men yes, but as open possible. My little influence can help to take advantage of that, and I could at least once prevent an unnecessary JC, by avoiding the merely legal aproach on things.

There is good that can be accomplished by those of the "conscious class", before they fade or drop out.

Maybe thats something in the end, that helps deal with the responsibility before God, however we may define it.

scotsman

miseryloveselders post well illustrates a point in the departure process. He feels utterly trapped because he thinks he still has to provide reasons to the other elders for his decisions. Until someone has moved on from mentally acknowledging the authority you give them, resigning, skipping meetings stonewalling shepherding is too much of a challenge. Once you've stopped feeling you have to explain your actions it's a lot easier as vivalavida shows.

Not explaining to spouse/family is more of a challenge...

freddo

Perhaps I can help?

I was a well-known elder in our circuit appointed as MS at 20, Elder at 28 - public talks away for twenty years, started doing that as an MS which was pretty unusual - did circuit assembly items including two baptism talks etc - RBC team overseer - Attendant Captain at DC and even a talk at the DC once at the height - or is that depth? - of my spiritual career. All my family, wife - sister - adult kids - nephews and nieces - elderly father and others are devout, but thankfully not rabid JW's. I resigned in 2004.

My wife, adult kids and sister know my doubts but have basically said that as long as I don't go public or DA/DF they will continue to have normal family relationships. We all get on fine; they know the real reason why I came off being an elder - helping with Dad's care - doubts, treadmill, don't believe the crock of shit prophecy anymore and the catalyst - a dominating CO - gave me the way out without my resigning upsetting my elders (they "understood").

So I carefully and deceitfully keep my good standing - I can even run a microphone on a stand-in basis and "help the hall servant".

This is my schedule until my father dies (sorry if that sounds bad) which could be tomorrow or ten years, who knows?:-

Sunday meetings 2 a month. Mid week 2 a month. Give a somewhat "off-beam" answer once a month. Claim work or sick and tell my wife "I don't want to" as well. She's pretty good about it. I get a Bible reading once per schedule and a talk 3 (old talk 4) once a year which I slant away from traditional GB worship. I even get to represent the congregation in prayer on rare occasion - go figure!

Ministry once a month visibly at congregation Saturday effort - I work alone with some NH's where possible - do a couple of visible pretend doorbell ringings, disappear to the local DiY shop or similar and arrive back at the territory after "doing a RV" about an hour later to hand in my NH's appropriately doctored. I report 6/7 hours "every month" which includes a "phantom incidental witnessing at my place of work".

My wife and I are not restricted by "Watchtower Bedroom Law", my mind is completely free and being a happily married male in my late forties I am content with my lot and my lies as to me it is theocratic warfare in reverse and a tool for my mental and emotional survival.

Some of the stuff in the new testament is good advice - work hard, don't be over anxious, provide for your own - watch out for love of money - care for your family - don't judge etc - and I try to follow it to a reasonable degree.

At the moment it is working and I think a geographical move after my father's passing will aid a fade into inactivity.

I'm not proud of the above actions and if I was alone I would have walked out long ago - I even fantasize about doing a "little toe" at the end of a talk 3 but I'm too much of a coward to lose my family ...

zombie dub

My wife and I are not restricted by "Watchtower Bedroom Law"

you can keep the light on?!

WTWizard

It is easier if you can unofficially switch congregations. Do not under any circumstances make the switch finalized, or the new congregation will pick up the ball and start hounding you. You go to boasting sessions at each congregation in a random pattern, and pretty soon they don't know whether or not you are going. They will take for granted that you are going to the other side. This could take a couple of months of zigzagging, or longer (depending on how much the hounders are on top of things).

With this pattern established, you start missing a few boasting sessions altogether. Each side will think you went to the other side. Gradually start increasing the number of boasting sessions you skip, while mixing up the ones you do attend between the two sides. During a few months or years, you get to the point where you simply decide you are not going to any more boasting sessions at all. And, start turning in your time late by huge amounts (turning two in at a time works best)--they will look for a slip that is not there, only to have it turn up next month. And, when you simply don't go out at all, they will presume your time will turn up later. It will not.

zarco

Sometimes old Watchtower habits are hard to break. For instance the WT always says that what its followers are doing is not enough, do more, sacrifice more, give more and etc... This thread and some of the advice provided uses the same tactic, at least do this or do that. For each individual there are benefits from leaving the WTS and there are costs. For some the costs are so high - losing family members, a job, friends- that they choose to stay in even though there are benefits from leaving. For others the benefits far outweigh the costs and such individuals leave. It is impossible for any of us to weigh the costs and the benefits for another individual, nor should we try. As we share our stories and experiences some of them may resonate with others. But coercing individuals to do something that they need to decide for themselves is a poor tactic and one that I try my best to avoid. As all of us free ourselves from the WT grip we need to be better than them.

zarco

Why Aren't You At Least FAding?

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