Is regularly texting/phoning someone (not your partner) cheating?

by sacdfan 41 Replies latest jw friends

  • cyberjesus

    if she leaves in a different area code technically is not cheating

  • stillajwexelder


  • VoidEater

    My sister confronted her husband and he swears it is all to do with the ministry, calls, Bible studies etc. He says she is being ridiculous and it is entirely innocent.

    Completely got trapped in a stupid side argument - aka, red herring.

    It's not important what the texts are about. What's important is that the frequency of calls is upsetting to the wife.

    She needs to pur her big girl pants on and start a real conversation - about what is and is not OK in their relationship. And not get bogged down in trivialities (e.g., what the calls are about).

    Any caring, Christian husband would be concerned that his wife is unhappy, that he is the cause of anxiety for her.

    A guy in that situation may feel suffocated over "jealousy" - in which case he perhaps shouldn't be married.

    In any case, he's putting her down and trying to trump her concerns with his doing God's Will. That needs to be addressed.

    She'll either put up with it, or put her foot down. He'll either insist on it, or become more caring of her needs.

    Let us know what happens...

  • HappyGuy

    I asked my wife about 20 texts to a woman and she just looked at me with that "have you been smoking crack again" look and said PLEASE, the next text that man makes is going to be to a divorce lawyer.

  • freewilly01

    Your sis has gotta stop being the victim and say to her man that this is pissing her off and it better stop. If it doesn't stop then she's got to level with her man............. to man up, and stop being a wimp. Take a hammer and smash the hell out of his cell phone until he stops buying them..... don't let your man push you around Sis!

    Women are really treated as lesser in the BorgOrg.........damn another thing for them to answer to.

  • cognizant dissident
    cognizant dissident

    My husband makes hundreds of cell phone calls a month for business. They are all approximately 1-3 minutes long. His cell phone bill has always been the same amount, never going over the minutes. When he started getting 300-500 dollar phone bills I looked at the call record. Almost all the calls were to the same number. A new female contractor in a nearby town who did some work for him. The calls were 30-60 minutes long, only about 3 times a day, morning, lunch time, and in the evenings. I never heard these calls, and never met the woman or heard him mention her. I knew instantly he was having an affair. I confronted him and he denied it and turned nasty, but when I told him that all my family and friends believed he was having an affair and they would soon inform the elders, he got scared and went and confessed to the elders before he could be confronted. He was hoping that would get him reproved instead of df'd, and it worked. He was having an affair with one of the elder's daughters.

    From the details you provided, I would be 99% sure he was having an affair. Men do not text women they are not interested in 20x a day. They do not usually bond emotionally with women they are not sleeping with or would not like to sleep with if given the opportunity. If he has not already had sex with her, he is on the verge. I would bet he already has.

    A little sleuthing tip. The times on the call record when the calls and texts stop and he is not home with you, he is probably spending time with her. Get someone to follow him then or do what I did and just bluff and say you know for a fact he was with her those times (as if you had followed him and saw him). If he says you're crazy, say someone saw them together or something similiar. Tell him you have your evidence to take to the elders. See if your bluff causes him to cave and confess. It worked for me.


    ps: I do not consider texting or calling cheating. If the talk is flirtatious and has sexual inuendo, then it is definitely flirting with cheating or planning on cheating and it is still harmful to the relationship and clear boundaries need to be set before it goes any further. I don't agree with the term "emotional affair". People's emotions and feelings are their own business and cannot be controlled or circumscribed by others. However their actual behaviour, such as spending more time and attention talking to friends other than their spouse, being with that person, or actually having sex, can be negotiated and contracted as to what is acceptable and what is not.

  • WTWizard

    I would be suspicious, but in of itself it is not cheating. To actually cheat, one must actually have sex or attempt to have sex with another person (either sex) or an animal that is not their spouse.

    However, that doesn't mean there isn't a problem. Usually, this is a symptom of stagnation in the marriage, and if it is not fixed, there is a pretty significant risk that adultery will happen. And this is worse if the original bond of love seems to have faded--that alone is a sign that the relationship has become stagnant.

  • changeling

    I think your BIL is having an "emotional affair". He may not have even come to terms with it himself, yet.

    I bet her elders would find this behaviour unsettling. BIL would be in deep doo-doo if they found out.

  • WuzLovesDubs

    Did Tiger Woods wife think it was harmless? The texts are usually the tip of the reality ice berg...and why isnt the spouse or partner being asked these deep questions and not this person outside the marriage of the opposite sex? Even when I was in the borg if I had to talk to a brother alone the door was ALWAYS left open to avoid the appearance of impropriety. One of my best friends as a JW was having marital problems and consulted an elder...while texting wasnt around then, they spent a great deal of time on the phone discussing issues and ended up in bed together. And when caught and confronted they BOTH said "It wasnt just HAPPENED."


  • sacdfan

    Thanks for all the replies - I definitely think there is something going on. Plus, in my congregation, I remember the brothers weren't allowed to be alone regularly with sisters either. But I think my sister's congregation is different - her husband (pioneer) has been spending loads of time on the ministry with the elder's wife (also a pioneer) and nobody thinks there is anything wrong with it!

    I told my sister to try to get a look at his mobile to see the content of the texts but she is too chicken - totally useless. By the time she gets around to it he will have deleted anything incriminating. It is so frustrating being so far away from her. My BIL is a totally useless plank! He is denying everything even though there is paper evidence (phone bills) that at least HE has been phoning texting 20+ times a day (sometimes less, sometimes more) for at least the last 6 months! Goodness knows how many times elderette phoned and texted him. But unless my sister takes this further, nothing will be done. Maybe I will shop him to the elders myself!

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