Is regularly texting/phoning someone (not your partner) cheating?

by sacdfan 41 Replies latest jw friends

  • Crux

    Steal the cell when they are in the shower and read the texts!

    And it's not cheating until you know all the facts. Supposing it all is innocent, it's inappropriate at worst.

  • Robdar

    I agree with Elsewhere.

  • snowbird
  • nugget

    You say approximately 20 times per day so this is happening on more than one occasion.

    She says it is Field Service related but I am streatched to think what would require that level of communication. Times are preset and meeting locations pre arranged. Before the age of texting you turned up discussed where you were going and what return visits you were going on at the venue.

    I would ask her if the calls are to do with congregation business would she object to you seeing them to get an idea of what she does on field service.

    She shouldn't object. If the level of texting is bothering you then tell her use the feelings card rather than be accusing. Just say "I feel uncomfortable with the amount of time you spend texting this brother. I wonder how his wife feels about this?"

    It may be innocent but as a witness she is told she has to respect her spouses feelings and engaging in activities that would arouse jealousy are unacceptable. Using text messages to flirt with someone of the opposite sex is also unacceptable.

  • iknowall558

    Yes, its cheating. My Husband did this as a JW...supposedly helping some 'young' sister get over her latest boyfriend who happend to be his friend. They texted each other all the time....and when I said something about it, he then got secretive and would put his phone on silent to cover it up. This effectively ended our marraige as he ended up meeting her, without me knowing, for the purpose of consoling her, and one thing led to another. I wouldnt say everyone ends up doing this, but if a person is wise, they will realise that, although they may have no intentions toward the person they are texting,, they dont what intentions the other other person has towards them. Another thing that got to me was the fact, that the person on the other end of the phone, showed no consideration or sensitivity as to how I might feel about this phone relationship. I was the wife after all with his two children in the house, trying my best to get his attention....while she was distracting him.

    We all have close friends, but even with my closest friend......I dont txt or phone 20 times a day. Once is enough to say what I have to say.

  • VoidEater

    On the other hand, I don't think everyone wants to be closeted in a straight-jacket 24/7 to avoid "too much" contact.

    Nothing like this is ever cut-and-dried. There is no absolute reference where friendship ends and cheating begins.

    The *only* yardstick is what two people agree to. Everything else is you projecting your personal opinions on another.

    Personally, I don't think anyone can carry on a 20 text exchange on FS. So my question is what really is the content of the texts. But that' doesn't make it cheating per se.

    Sorry about that - but negotiating boundaries is what grown-ups do.

  • sacdfan

    Thanks for all the replies.

    The situation is as follows (I can't give too much away). My sister (real, fleshly sister - sorry - I hate that expression too, but just clarifying) is married to a pioneer who has been doing the texting/phoning. We suspect the person he is texting (an elder's wife) has also been doing the same - texting/phoning many times a day for at least the last 6 months. My sister happened to check her husband's mobile phone bill and saw dozens of calls every day from him to her, and she realised that he has also been getting more texts and calls than usual.

    The funny thing is, he has made calls to this woman at times when they were both in the house but she has NEVER heard him phoning her - so it is obviously being done in secret - in the garden, upstairs etc. She has never heard him having a conversation with her by phone - how odd! She checked some of his old phone bills and this has been going on for at least 6 months (as far back as she can find bills for). The elder's wife is also a pioneer and she is looked up to by most of the congregation.

    My sister confronted her husband and he swears it is all to do with the ministry, calls, Bible studies etc. He says she is being ridiculous and it is entirely innocent. My sister is in bits - she had a feeling things weren't right - he has been pretty distant lately and goes out for long periods. Personally, I can't stand my brother-in-law - he is a total prat! But I don't really know what to say to my sister - I don't know how to advise her. I am not in the same congregation as my sister - she is up north - but we speak regularly by phone. I hardly go to meetings any more - I can't hack the hypocrisy and lies.

    From your replies so far, and my own gut feelings, I definitely think there is more to this than 'ministry-related' stuff!

  • Finally-Free
    If your partner said it was innocent and all ministry-related, would you believe them?

    20 to 30 texts a day about the ministry??? How much can someone possibly say about the ministry??? The only thing more boring than the ministry is talking about it.

    I don't text, but the only time I've even thought about another person 20-30 times a day is if I was lusting after them.


  • undercover
    Texting and phoning is not, in of itself, cheating.
    However, it is a symptom of cheating and certainly needs to be looked into.

    Good points. Just because some people text doesn't mean they're up to hanky panky. My wife is constantly texting. Girlfriends and some guy friends. You can tell it's not cheating in that she shares a lot of them... "Guess what Bob just said..." or "Hey Jack's at the game, he just texted me". No problems there. But if she were to start being sneaky about it, I'd have to wonder.

    And sometimes those of us who don't text, we might get a little jealous of the time our partner texts. I don't for the most part but it is irritating to be trying to do something together and that damn phone keeps buzzing with a new message.

    I hate texting so much that when my wife texts me, I call her. Then she says, "why are you calling. Why not text back?" "because we can have a 2 minute conversation in 2 minutes instead of spending the next 30 minutes covering the same ground by texting." So since I'm no fun at texting, she has to get her fix with her other friends, which I don't begrudge - cause it keeps me from having to...

  • yknot

    Well that is pretty easy to clear-up.......

    He should simply show her the as to confirm the content and context of the relationship.

    That all sounds 'shady'...... I say turn the dumbass and Elderette into the CO!

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