I do admit, though, that that statement of being prepared to go 'toe to toe with any elder on any subject' came off as awfully arrogant. There is, however, a sizable difference between being well-prepared and inviting trouble by giving them an opening (ie. being stupid or careless because I think I know it all). The holes in their reasoning could be discerned under virtually all circumstances except that I will most certainly be afraid, which clouds my focus.
Having been humbled considerably about what I thought I knew over the past year, I know better than to just unload on elders. I've read The Art of War, after all. The victorious commander only enters battle after the battle is already won. Know yourself and know your enemy (and they're not my enemies save that they represent the GB's will and law, by the way). And most of all, your enemy is the one who provides you with the opportunity for victory. All you have to do is be prepared and watch for it. If you know what they're doing before they do it, you will know how to proceed.
Mentally, I'll be fine. Emotions are the real problem. I won't enter it with bravado. If anything, I enter with fear because I know what's at stake. What I meant to say was that I'm prepared. I now understand the scriptures far better than I did before. The larger principles, the spirit of God's Word--those are things that organizational training simply doesn't give you. From that perspective, they can never overcome the truth. Their approach will be emotional, not logical--emotional appeals that have a false appearance of being logical, at best.
It's 90% likely that, unless my wife lays all the cards on the table about my doubts, I will merely go along with whatever the elders say and it will pass without incident--so long as I comment and keep production numbers up and do whatever else they ask. We'll see. If, however, my wife does rat me out directly, then I will of course be in the fight right there and then. It will be difficult to pretend I don't have doubts without lying altogether. So...I will use my words carefully and measure every move.
It all happens tomorrow night, in the giant, WT-shaped Borg cube. I'm not interested in attacking the elders. I'm really only interested in defending truth--if and only if that becomes necessary. I hate confrontation. I only explained it to my wife because she asked about it. But when you're under direct elder scrutiny, you can only withdraw so far without giving up territory they no longer have the right to.
Sometimes it just doesn't come out right when I discuss this kind of thing. I don't want to make problems for myself beyond the ones I've already taken on. I want to make this as painless as possible, which isn't saying much. ... What does it matter? I don't know if anything matters anymore. When men can do this to each other, it's a testimony to just how evil man can be. ...
I'll go along with the Society as circumstances permit, until or unless the time comes to stand.
Tell me now: is there a man among you here?
Is there no one who will stand up and try to fight?
Tell me, man
Is there not one in all your ranks?
Is there no one who values courage over life?
--"The Stand: Man or Machine", The Protomen
SD-7
