Oh my god i'm about to pull my hair out!

by SeekingSanity 29 Replies latest jw friends

  • Robdar

    Seeking Sanity:

    I hate myself because I can't do anything right. If I self sacrifice...it's out of obligation...if i offer, it's out of obligation...i'm not strong. I feel like a coward. I'm too emotional for a guy. Other people (guys mostly) laugh at me because of how EMOTIONAL i can get. I have no confidence. I have no self pride (the good kind) ... I have no humility. I am always trying to fix myself and not able to do so...i can't control myself most of the time. I'm always depressed. I'm always upset. I use to be MAD ...mad as HELL all the TIME! ...and now that the anger is subsided....all i am is depressed under it.

    Who says you cannot do anything right? Is it you or are you playing an old tape? You will have to learn to differentiate between your beliefs and those that have been imposed upon you and keep running on a loop in your head.

    Stop giving out of obligation. So what if somebody thinks you are selfish? The person telling you that you are selfish by not giving them what they want is the selfish one.

    When you start being selfish and unapologetic for being selfish, you will discover strength and confidence. You will discover how good it feels to give because you want to give not because of the selfish dictates of another.

    And what if you do not need to fix yourself? What if you just need to learn to be yourself and not apologize for it? Learn to let your freak flag fly, my brother. Run it up the flag pole, salute it. Once you stop listening to what others tell you to be, you will not be as mad or depressed.

    I would like to say more but am going to have to log off for a while. I've got to save a client from an evil, predatory lender.

  • poopsiecakes

    How about an easy exercise...you mentioned that you're in a great relationship with an amazing girl. Why not try to see yourself through her eyes? If she sees you as an amazing guy, there must be something amazing about you. Look at yourself in the mirror and imagine she's looking back at you. What does she see? And stop any thought of 'gee I don't know what she could possibly see in me' because obviously there is something great there or she wouldn't still be with you.

    Be honest with yourself - not just about the bad stuff, that's too easy. See yourself with all of your faults and qualities as a package. Sometimes, doing the right thing for the wrong reason is not necessarily bad because it comes back to you and that's what can be difficult to accept when you're in a self-loathing frame of mind. You feel as though you don't deserve it because you weren't 'sincere' in your actions. Make the conscious effort to not think that way and replace those negative thoughts with 'yes I deserve this because...' then plug in a reason culled from the above exercise.

    I also suggest spending time alone with yourself and working on your sense of humor so that things don't seem quite so serious - laugh at yourself, learn to enjoy your own company. Make jokes to yourself that only you know about. Sounds really ridiculous but it worked wonders for me...

  • yknot

    .....it isn't self-love that you are missing....

    It is self-confidence and self acceptance.....

    It is a new year so why not take practical steps to take proper control of your life and future.......perhaps by starting and finishing something planned.

    Establish a routine, eat right, excercise, drink enough water, be social and realize that you will always make mistakes......and it is what you learn from the mistake and how you handle the faux pas that matters most.

    Be your own man......and own it!

    Remember they call it WD-40 because WD-1 thru 39 were total failures!

  • greenie

    Besides, doing things for yourself can be selfish and unselfish at once. For example, I enjoy cycling and often go out by myself. This is the selfish side. At the same time, I know that by taking that time to myself, exercising, etc., that I am a better person to be around, more pleasant to my family, coworkers and friends, thus making it an unselfish practice as well.

  • restrangled

    seaking sanity:

    I just want to be whole. I want to be one. I want to be filled not empty and hallow. I want to be able to say 'YES' and 'NO' and MEAN IT! without feeling the way I do when I say these things. I want completion. I want independence from my mind. It's driving me crazy. I want it reprogrammed ......so I'M THINKING not like 'oh my god i have to do this'

    Slow down and breathe. You sound like a very dear soul. Drink a warm cup of tea, or drink a beer and decide what is important to you as a person. Do not let others decide it for you, especially a new girl friend as wonderful as she may be.

    What do you feel strongly about? Start at the beginning of yourself! Simple questions: Do you like order? Or are you naturally messy, Do you love to have pets, or can't stand them, What do you do for a living right now?...is it what you want to do or would you like to go further?

    Do you like sports, or hiking, or walking. or would you prefer to watch.? What are your favorite foods? Do you like to cook, or do you like to go out to eat? Are you a car aficionado, ? The list is endless. Write down everything you enjoy and work from there.

    What are your favorite scents, tastes, foods, music. pet peeves, Make a list and keep going. You are unique. No one can answer these questions for you, and no answer is wrong.


    You need to discover who you are.

  • AudeSapere

    Robdar - I'm on my way out and cannot talk right now. I will message you shortly with my own contact info. We should chat~!

    Professional help is expensive.

    Private help is expensive. Books and other self-help, not so much.

    Maybe look around and check out these references. I am not in position to say they are 100% on target and/or appropriate for you but I think you have a enough experience and self-awareness to recognize if something with what is presented resonates with you. As in most things, take what you need, and leave the rest. For the cost of a few books and, if possible, a few evenings with a group program, you may find a few keys to help fix that hole inside of you.

    'Cheap' Group Therapy: http://www.adultchildren.org/ A 12-step program of women and men who grew up in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional homes. Cost is a voluntary contribution of as little as a dollar. (First time attendees are often encouraged *not* to contribute.)

    Inner Child / John Bradshaw: http://www.johnbradshaw.com/ He's written several books on family and dysfunction and reclaiming yourself. There is much info on the internet about Bradshaw and his work and writtings.

    Book: "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward : http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=57139.msg1050136 This may or may not be something to benefit you but it helped me. It even helped my dad when he inadvertently found it on *my* book shelf - complete with my own marginal notes.

    Book: "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Road-Less-Traveled/M-Scott-Peck/e/9780743243155 7 million copies, 10 years on NYT bestsellers list. Quote from the above website: "It helps us learn how to distinguish dependency from love; how to become a more sensitive parent; and ultimately how to become one's own true self."

    I don't know if those references will help you address the things you need to address in order to find a more balanced view of yourself and your place in the world but I do know that it can't hurt to look at a few websites and see if any of it sparks a 'click' in your head or heart.

    Hopefully some of this is helpful for you. Maybe just knowing that others understand the feeling is a step in the right direction.


  • AudeSapere

    As for the 'selfish' part (building on Robdar's comments above), remember the last time you were on a plane? At the beginning when they go through the emergency procedures for the passengers. Remember the direction of proper use of the oxygen masks?

    Why do they tell you to put *your* mask on first before trying to help children and others?

    Hint: The answer may be a key to your dilema.

  • cameo-d

    Seeking Sanity

    Maybe you can start by letting others express their love for you and accepting it.

    Do you reject others when they attempt to put you first? Like offering you the choicest piece of chicken or the biggest piece of cake?

    I think it is important to accept love from others. Once you allow yourself to do that, you can begin to learn more about loving yourself.

  • Robdar
    Maybe you can start by letting others express their love for you and accepting it.
    Do you reject others when they attempt to put you first? Like offering you the choicest piece of chicken or the biggest piece of cake?
    I think it is important to accept love from others. Once you allow yourself to do that, you can begin to learn more about loving yourself.

    Cameo-d that was beautiful and spot on. It is only been within the past couple of years that I learned that it is as important to allow love as it is to give love.

  • AudeSapere


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