Oh my god i'm about to pull my hair out!

by SeekingSanity 29 Replies latest jw friends

  • SeekingSanity

    Robdar "So why do you hate yourself?"

    I hate myself because I can't do anything right. If I self sacrifice...it's out of obligation...if i offer, it's out of obligation...i'm not strong. I feel like a coward. I'm too emotional for a guy. Other people (guys mostly) laugh at me because of how EMOTIONAL i can get. I have no confidence. I have no self pride (the good kind) ... I have no humility. I am always trying to fix myself and not able to do so...i can't control myself most of the time. I'm always depressed. I'm always upset. I use to be MAD ...mad as HELL all the TIME! ...and now that the anger is subsided....all i am is depressed under it.

    I feel like a 4 year old in an adult body (almost 30!). Other guys have more confidence. Other people seem to grow. I cna't grow. People surpass me in their 'self development' and i'm still trying to get out of this ditch and fill my emptiness. On the surface, i'm comical. I laugh, i joke...i work out. I try to make others feel better if i don't know them. Or maybe that's so they can love me.... everything about me is so negative. There is little to none positive qualities about me. I feel like a pile of shit. I feel like i should've matured long ago..and i havn't and id on't understand why...and even if it's 'you're looking for other people to love you' I know someone who is 17 years old.....and i'll still be dealing with this shit by the time i'm 40 and they'll pass me up

  • AudeSapere
    Oh! See now we're talking. This is 'how' ...Gives me examples. But see I don't know about you Aude...but Everytime I do something like THAT..I feel so SELFISH...and GREEDY...and i start HATING myself for being THAT selfish and GREEDY! OR better yet: INCONSIDERATE! The guilt swells up inside me and i just go nuts. And i rather not feel that, so ......i 'wait for the last piece and pray i get what i wanted'

    I know!! I *get* what you are saying. And to tell the truth, I usually still take the last piece. But that was one of my very first consciously selfish acts that I did for the express purpose of taking care of myself.

    Back at that time, I believe I was reading John Bradshaw books and doing some 'inner child' work. It was back in the early 90's and was a popular self-help craze but really did help me to find a more balanced view of myself and my interaction with others. I know there are many people here on JWN who have good suggestions for you and hope they will post.

    Maybe make sure the thread comes back to top of active status in a few hours so others can see and add their experience and suggestions.

    If I can piece a few good thoughts, concepts, insights, exercises for you, I will do so later today.

    Know that I do *get* what you are saying and feeling. It's almost like a deep, pre-verbal concept and feeling. And it's very sad, dark and lonely.


  • SeekingSanity

    Just... "Need a little love to ease the pain"

  • AudeSapere
    Robdar wrote: ... to take that desired piece of chicken (I love that story)

    If you liked that tidbit, then - OMG!! - You would die of laughter if I told you the whole story around it. A more solid bonding experience there could not be~!!!!

    That chicken story was 30+ years in the making.


  • Robdar

    Aude, I am pming you my email and telephone number.

    Die of laughter? Carpe diem!

  • Heaven

    I think the first step in self-love is to forgive yourself. Drop the guilt. If you're a JW, you'll never be able to do this.

  • Mad Sweeney
    Mad Sweeney

    Seeking Sanity, if you feel like a 4 year old in a 30 year old's body, you just might be one. There are people who can help with that and there is absolutely nothing wrong or abnormal about seeking out their help. I mean this in all seriousness, seek professional help.

  • SeekingSanity


    I am a jw no more. Thank god.

    Mad Sweeny:

    Professional help is expensive. I did see a thereapist for a while. She stopped keeping in touch wiht me or make new appointments.

  • restrangled

    I get what your are saying Seeking Sanity.

    Nope, after you've been told all your life you are not worthy, and/or you are probably going to die in the "Great day of Armeggedon", or feel that you will, loving yourself is pretty impossible.

    It takes small steps, very small steps, to accept who you are, and realize you are worth something.

    I'm certain you are a lovable, worth while person ,....but it is a long haul to believe it yourself.

    I have spent my entire adult life trying to be worthwhile. Raising my sons and giving them as much support mentally as possible.

    I am an animal lover and will do anything to support their well being to my abilities. I am a PETA supporter. Although I do not always agree with their tactics, I support what they want to accomplish.

    I just watched on HBO..." I am an animal"...the abuse was so shocking, so abhorrent, I screamed out loud, and then cried for 30 minutes. They showed some kind of dog, being skinned alive. These abusive pigs are the wretched dirt of the earth.

    Not you and not me.

    I am Always watching for those in need and contributing, I am also, watching for those who are desperate in the street. In front of me, or those of Katrina, and now Haiti.

    In the end, I will stand before God, and ask him, but was I really so horrible as defined by the JW's?

    I suspect, you are quite an exceptional person, just because you asked the question!

  • SeekingSanity


    I just want to be whole. I want to be one. I want to be filled not empty and hallow. I want to be able to say 'YES' and 'NO' and MEAN IT! without feeling the way I do when I say these things. I want completion. I want independance from my mind. It's driving me crazy. I want it reprogrammed ......so I'M THINKING not like 'oh my god i have to do this'

Share this