My Stuggling Life Story

Coreash

Before I begin " My Struggling Life Story" names have been changed to protect there identity. It all started for me at the age of about 10 when myself and most of my mates used to bother with the girls down the road. We all used to play as young children did but it was after the girls had gone in where we would sit around and chat and as boys do, used to ask who fancied who etc etc. Well for me I wasn't that interested and thought nothing of it. It was only when I started comprehensive school did I notice that I was slightly different to all my mates/friends. Obviously I kept these feeling to myself because what I was feeling wouldn't have gone to well in my first year of school. Physical education was always tough for me, It wasn't that I didn't like sports but the though of seeing all those young boys in the locker room. Don't get me wrong I disliked the thoughts that were going around in my head because I wasn't sure what was going on. Why was I thinking these things? Why was I different to all the other boys in my school? These were questions I couldn't really answer and I certainly wasn't going to start asking questions regarding my sexuality to people I knew.........How embarrassing and degrading would that have been.!! Over a year had gone by and I had made some really good friends by now. I had also discovered that I had some sort of knowing who also had the same thoughts as me, think the word is "GAY DAR" but obviously back then in 1981-1982 I didn't really know much about the topic. But the people that I did think had the same thoughts as me were very feminine something that I was certainly not. Suppose in todays society its what you now call as being "CAMP " Time went by and life went on with me struggling to get to grips with who and what I was. It was around 1982 when my mother had found the truth after praying to a GOD for many years as the Christian Church's weren't giving her the answer to some of life's simple questions. Between her studying with the elders and attending meeting and book studies life just carried on for me. It was at the age of 13 or so when I encountered my first sexual experience. My friend Paul and come over my house and we went into my bedroom where we were looking at Bean and Dandy comics when he started toughing me up. I knew this was so wrong but yet let him continue because It was what felt right at the time. We fondled for some minutes with my adrenaline sky high and suddenly stopped and carried on with what we were doing. Nothing was ever said for weeks until it happened again and again. After time had gone by nothing ever happened again yet we stayed good friends with our experiences behind closed doors never to be mentioned to anyone. Mum was studying really hard at home with magazines and literature all over the house where as my Dad was sat watching the Tv........a place where he felt comfortable. Life was slowly changing for our family what with Mum attending the meetings on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. I saw a massive change also In My Mum, she was much happier with herself as though she had a sense of direction, a purpose for living. For myself things were getting more difficult to understand. I was around 17 and didn't really know where my life was heading. I used to walk around at night thinking and crying to myself, what is the purpose of life?,why am I the way I am? Mum knew that I was upset and down about things and we used to have our chats but on no occasion did I ever mention to her what I was feeling for the same sex. Mum suggested that I have a Bible study with John and Mary the 2 people that led her to dedicate her life to Jehovah God. I said to her that I'd think about it because I wasn't in the right frame of mind and wanted a few days to think it over. Well a year had gone by and still no study with the Brother and Sister. My mind was still in bits about life's little secrets and at that point I decided to take up my Mum's offer and to start having a Bible study with John and Mary. My sister who was Handicapped did have the odd study but nothing came to of that. Sadly she passed away in 1991. And as for my brother well lets just say he had discovered girls a while ago and wasn't looking back. My Bible studies were going well, I used to meet John at his house every Tuesday after work for around 1-2 hours. I must say that John was one of the nicest people I'd ever met. Between my Bible studies life carried on regardless with my thoughts still continuing to think of the same sex., my secret was getting more and more difficult to contain. I was only a few weeks into My Bible studies and I'd decided not to carry on with them as I was somehow losing interest. More so because there were weekend where me and friends used to go out partying in Clubs around town,drinking and smoking as most young lads did and on many occasions my mates would more often than not end up with a girl in there arms except for me. I used to hate the fact that my friends were normal and I used to worry that they might find out that I was different. Don't get me wrong I was always asked by some lovely girls every-time we were out but always had an excuse not to follow there interests. But It was only a matter of time when friends of friends started asking questions and then the banter would starts about me possibly being gay. Of course I denied all rumor's that they were saying because I didn't want to be all alone, the odd one out and alone in a world that I didn't really understand. I showed them that I could pull a girl just as much as they could.................and I had set my target. This situation became a regular occurrence on our nights out and the gay comments became a faint memory. ( If only they Knew) The word gay had always been a part of my life.........there were people that I'd never met before asking me if I was gay and I always remember thinking if they had this GAR DAR .....6th sense or was I actually doing things a gay person would do. I personally consider myself to be a man's man and not like any of those mincers you see on the gay circuit but each to there own I suppose. Another 2-3 years went by and I was working In a different place in a different environment with the same old mental problems that I was contending with. Weekends would arrive,clubs would open and the girls would be pouring in, well not all for me of course but I used to get so so tired of the same old routine just to prove to my friends that I was normal. On many weekend occasions the same girl used to be at the same club and I always somehow ended up with her. This was going on for some months now and one night the inevitable happened. She had told me that she was pregnant. Inside I was totally mortified but with a slight grin I said " Are you sure" she replied yes I'm 5 weeks. My world had just become darker. My Parents were a little taken back but happy for me despite not liking the girl , Always saying " son you could do better than that". In the 10 months that we were together I had often babysat for My Uncles children a girl and a boy. I remember this one night as though it was yesterday. Him and his then girlfriend of possibly 10 yrs had come home from doing a certain something and I remember him chatting to me as we did when they came home and he was drinking a few more that usual and I had this inside retching feeling that he was going to say something to me. I looked across and saw him crying in his hands, well I didn't know where to put my face. He started to speak and I quickly said Peter don't say It I don't want to know. For some unknown reason I Knew what he was going to say............reasons being because since a young age I had always had bad dreams,bed wetting,screaming at night and thinking the same dream over and over again yet it didn't make much sense until that night. My Uncle managed to say what he had to say and that was that he had sexual abused me as a child. I stood up from the living room and headed for the toilet to be sick..........I had lost all sense of feeling in my legs and I became all clammy and feeling rather faint. It seems like an hour I had been in the toilet rather than the 2 minutes that I actually was .....before trying to make a quick getaway out of my Uncles house. He tried so desperately to get me back but I managed to stay away. Even to this day I haven't been the same person for what he has told me despite having seem him on a few occasions and STILL he brings the conversation up . Pffffffff I tried so hard to maintain the relationship with the mother of my child but if the truth be known I wasn't at all happy living with a women. Within 10 months the relationship ended. We had a beautiful baby girl who now may I say is 18 years old. The fact of the matter is, is that I was going with these girls purely to show my friends that i was infact a normal guy having fun and not someone who constantly had gay thoughts or even for being gay. To me I was using girls as a smoke screen, I was deceiving everybody. A few years had past and I'm none the wiser. Guess what?? Exactly the same thing happened again.............I thought I would of learned after my first child being born but my then girly friend had became pregnant and gave birth to a gorgeous little boy. I knew that I couldn't keep messing peoples live up and was determined to make a go at this relationship. My Girlfriend knew of my back ground with my daughter and my sexual abuse but nothing of my inner secret. This relationship was difficult to say the least. I knew I wasn't strong enough to keep things together but promised myself that I would fight for what ever was trying to come out. I had a long chat with my Mum with regards to religion and had asked her to arrange for me to have a Bible study as everything in life was going down hill and I was so depressed in this relationship. My Bible studies were going well and had met many new friends within my new congregation. My girlfriend had noticed a massive change in me and had decided to start attending the meetings. One thing lead to another and I became an unbaptized publisher. I prayed earnestly to Jehovah to help me suppress the bad feeling that I was still having on so many occasions but to no avail. I struggled all the way through my studies and in every meeting I attended, still plowing on with the little strength that I had. I so wanted to tell the Elders at my congregation about the thoughts that I was having but didn't have the courage to do so. If ever I was around Elders and their happen to be a conversation regarding homosexuality or of a gay issue there faces used to turn up and say some vile comments on the subject. And from what I had learned from Bible teachings I knew where they were coming from but how could I now ever disgust my inner secrets to the people that could possibly change everything for me. I did everything I possibly could within the organization such as Bible readings,ministry and answering up at the meetings but nothing ever changed within my messed up head. After each meeting I would return home only to cry out loud to Jehovah God and pray for him through Jesus to help my with the problems that I was encountering within my sad life. Yet nothing was any better for me. With my girlfriend studying it was suggested that we get married as we were living in sin and it was the right thing to do within the arrangements that Jesus had set up. Within the Elders suggesting marriage my girlfriend was again pregnant and within 2 months we were married yet I didn't Love my then wife. Strong feeling but certainly didn't love her. Our Marriage lasted less than a year. I continued with the truth whilst my ex wife came away and decided not to attend anymore. Progress was slow and painful for me seeing everyone in the congregation with a partner,wife lover and yet I had nothing, nothing I was happy with. I cant begin to tell you how many lonely nights I spent at home crying to Jehovah God to help me with the wrong thoughts that was entering my dark and sad mind. It was now 2002 and I was still on course to dedicating my whole life to Jehovah God. My meetings were set up with the Elders for my baptism questions . All 3 meetings had happened so quickly and before I knew it I was being immersed under water in front of 1000+ people at one of our Assembly's. Did I feel cleansed and free from all of my worries? NO!!! : - ( Nothing had changed except my life was in Jehovah's hands. None of the scriptures had helped to free me from this torment. ( Genesis 1:27, 28 ; 2:24 ) ( Romans 1:26, 27 ) ( Isaiah 48:17, 18 ) ( Ephesians 4:22-24 ) ( Romans 12:1, 2 ) ( 1 Corinthians 6:9, 10 ) ( Ephesians 5:3 ) ( 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 ) Within a year of being baptized I had fallen away from the truth. All alone in this dark depressing world with no-one to talk to about all the things that were going on in my life. Years had pass and I was still attending the memorials as a mark of respect to Jehovah's son Jesus. I was searching Internet web sites that could possible have the answers but I knew I was wasting my time. If God's word the Bible couldn't help me then who could. I had to get away from my home town and start a fresh, not really knowing what I was expecting. For me to do this I had to find an excuse of some sort to get away from it all. I had a friend come over and he wanted to use my laptop as his other friends had found there partner's on a web site dating Internet site. This gave me the opportunity for my free pass out of where I lived. I had also used that dating Internet site and had found someone 170 miles away. Our relationship lasted 2 years and again wasn't happy with living with my then girlfriend. This is where things have gone complicated. I now used the Internet to look for what was always playing on my mind the one thing that was stopping me being happy and being myself. ( A MAN ) It didn't take me long to find this someone, we hit it off from the moment we met and for me it felt so right YET so wrong. So wrong in the sense that I was doing things that was detestable in Jehovah God's eyes. I tried so much to block the thoughts of what the Bible had to say on the teachings on homosexuality but it was impossible........they say once you know the truth you never forget it. Me and my partner had a few patchy moments due to me feeling the way I did at which he supported me all the way. We split up only recently after roughly 16 months because of not telling him the truth of my where abouts when visiting back home which come to think of it was totally pathetic and I had no reasons not to tell him. In someways I was relieved that this had happened because as much as I still love him the pressures of being with him were too much to take in. Guilt was so over powering. And I was also living a double life, double life in a sense that I knew all of his friends, they knew me as his gay partner yet none of my friends/mates knew him and certainly not knowing the real me. There was a time between meeting my partner and the girlfriend I'd met on the dating site that I was at such a low state in my life that I decided to go for a walk and ring my Mother up and explain all to her. It took me an hour to pluck up the courage and try my best to explain to goings on in my pathetic life. Mum knew that there was something I had to say or there was something I wanted to say. Mum's are good at knowing whats on our minds. She said " Son what do you want to tell me" , I say I cant say it, she replied Its OK just tell me. I said Mum.........................With a long pause...............Mum I'm Gay. There was a slight silence and Mum replied, " I always knew there was something different about you", I even said to your brother but he said no he's not gay. Have separated from my partner who I truly Love because my head hurts from all the scriptures going around and knowing that what I'm doing is not right yet I was so happy. Now I'm in two mind to send a letter to my Congregation back home and explain all and also tell my Mother. I know by doing this will have a ripple effect on all the people I've ever known and am unsure whether I could take the pressures of rejection etc etc. There are my children to consider also. But besides all this...............there's the truth. Arhhhh....................Im so so scared that I am living in the last days and I know its only a matter of time before Jehovah,Jesus and his Angels will wipe away all the evil upon this stinking earth......including me. Can't seem to win either way. Have on many occasion contemplated suicide but just haven't got the guts to carry it out. I do believe the truth is the truth despite what other people have commented on the web site but we all have our own experiences of the Org. Please excuse any mistakes made. Thank you for reading My Struggling Life Story. Age 38

OnTheWayOut

Thanks for opening up in your story. I hope the best for you. Read on and discover how most people here have realized that JW's don't have the truth. Strength to you.

shamus100

Have on many occasion contemplated suicide but just haven't got the guts to carry it out.

You had better not! Don't even talk silly things like that.

So pray the gay away didn't work eh? Join the club - there are more gay ex-dubbies than you probably realize.

Take things one day at a time, and keep posting if it helps you. Nobody knows you here, so don't be afraid.

snowbird

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story. I'll bet you feel better already.

You said: I do believe the truth is the truth.

You are absolutely right!

John 14:6 Jesus said, "I am the Road, also the Truth, also the Life. No one gets to the Father apart from me.

Again, welcome.

Sylvia

nugget

Coreash, thank you for telling your personal story. You have had the courage to face up to your sexuality, you have two beautiful children, think of how special and wonderful your life can be if you can be yourself and embrace the new opportunities available to you.

Many people will suggest you get counselling and they are probably right. You are making some major changes in your life and making major readjustments. A professional can help you make sense of all this.

As has already been said, if you need to keep posting.

AudeSapere

I am still reading your story. Very nice writing style and captivating.

Great intro post and I thank you for sharing so candidly with us.

Welcome to JWN. I think you will that there are many here - both gay and straight - who have experienced same or similar things.

-Aude Sapere (meaning: Dare to Know; Dare to Have Wisdom/Understanding; Dare to Think for Yourself)

Heaven

Hi Coreash... welcome to JWN! I know that this world, and especially religious worlds, make people feel badly about themselves. What I see in your story is that you haven't been truthful and that you realize the damage this causes. I am happy you realize this. There is enormous merit in the statement "To Thine Own Self Be True".

As for whether the JWs have 'the truth' or not, well, that too, is all about being honest with yourself. Most JWs are good people but they struggle with the conflict thrust upon them by the WTS.

My barometer is whether what they are teaching holds up over time (it usually doesn't), whether or not it is in the Bible (it either isn't or it's a twisting of scripture to make their doctrine fit), and whether it aligns with what Stephen Covey calls 'True North Principles' (character ethics that are timeless, universal, and unwaivering). I have yet to find their doctrines aligning with this (eg. their blood policy, 'headship', their political hierarchy, their 'classes' of people, having elders judge the flock, their judicial committees, their pedophile policy, etc., etc., etc).

As to whether you are living in the last days, I am pretty sure you aren't. Why do I say this? Because 'the last days' have been 'here' for over 135 years.

I hope you can shed your fears -- "Fear is the mind killer." Paul Atreides - Dune 1984

Mickey mouse

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story. I hope you find some peace and healing here.

Open mind

Welcome to JWN and thanks for sharing your story.

AllTimeJeff recently posted this thread about his gay younger brother. I think it might be good for you.

http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/friends/187200/1/From-Jon-My-Brother

My oldest brother was DFed in his twenties for being gay and for the first year outside the Organization, he still thought it was the truth.

Give it time. Read. Reach out. Breathe.

Namaste,

om

yknot

Hard story to read......... feeling your unease and conflict jumping off the screen

Why DA yourself or explain to anyone? Seriously.......according to the Elder's Manual you have already DAd by your actions anyways. So don't go making your former elders think about things you know they would rather not.......they cannot offer you anything but a WTS response and you already know that position.......you know those Elders really don't wanna know too.

Your family and children love you and need you...... so suicide is out of the question!!!!!!

So what to do now..... and why rush?

I see two options based on your post.........

1)...... Your 38 and single!!! (I am assuming your ex has custody)........Start developing some gay social contacts in your area and go with the flow......go out, invite friends over for steaks, attend sporting events....live life while being the best dad you can be!

Men generally appear to handle their sexuality as being their business, not a thing for others to question or comment.......it is never about other's approval as much as the male's satisfaction.

2).......As for the rest regarding the 'troof'.........if you really believe that your feelings are going to cause you to be destroyed by God.......than why aren't you putting full faith in that God and searching out ways to release you from these 'feelings' via therapy for the sexual abuse with a counselor that believes homosexuality is a variant behavior associated with the abuse or getting yourself tested for genetic or chemical imbalances. .....Should you find yourselve 'stumbled' with another man.....ask forgiveness and try celibacy (Afterall being unmarried in JW tradition requires abstinence)

.................. I am really curious what other truths you believe exist within the 'troof'........................

I am glad you have joined....it was very brave of you to share such deep things too.......

Wishing you nothing but health, happiness and balance!

My Stuggling Life Story

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