Conditional love dilema....need advice

by hubert 16 Replies latest jw friends

  • hubert

    One of my daughters has been dating a guy for about two years now. They are starting to talk about marriage, but ran into a "snag" involving his family from his previous marriage, which may disolve the whole relationship. I won't go into details about that. It's something they have to work out amongst themselves.

    This fellow is so good to my daughter and grandaughter...always there when called with a problem, always very concerned and helpful, would be a great stepdad for my grandaughter, ect.

    This last year especially, I have been spending quite a few times with my daughters boyfriend. We have a lot in common, especially going to "Cruise nights", and we have been going to many of them last year, and occasionally with my daughter, too. So, we are getting pretty close. I am treating him like a "soon to be" son-in-law.

    My j.w. daughter and her husband dropped in last night, to play cards and spend time with us, and although I didn't want to bring up the problem concerning my other (non-jw) daughter and her boyfriend, the subject did come up. My j.w. daughter then tells me that if my other daughter breaks up with her boyfriend, I shouldn't hang out with him this summer, and go to Cruise nights with him. I disagree, and told her that was "Conditional love" ...(planted a little seed here), and said that wouldn't be right. She said my other daughter would be upset if I continued being friends with him. I said that their situation doesn't involve him beating her, or mistreating her, so it shouldn't matter if I continue being his friend. We argued that point for a while, and finally dropped the subject.

    So, I am curious to what you think. Should I continue to maintain a friendship with this guy, or break all contact with him, as my j.w. daughter tells me I should do?

    Thanks for your input on this.


  • Robdar

    Do what you want but I have never maintained a relationship with my son's ex-girlfriends. I have never maintained a relationship with an ex of my siblings either. I think of it as being loyal to my own clan.

  • Finally-Free

    I believe you should be able to continue your friendship with him provided he's comfortable with that. If the JW experience taught me anything, it's that I should not allow anyone to tell me who I may or may not be friends with.


  • flipper

    HUBERT- I think you should tell your JW daughter that whether you keep friendship with your non-witness daughter's boyfriend is between you and him alone. The JW daughter should stop being controlling and mind her own business. She is in a " high control" organization- so that's WHY she wants to control everybody- it's how she's trained in her world.

    That being said- I do think you should take into consideration your non-witness daughters viewpoint if she breaks up with the guy as to what SHE would think if you continued friendship with her ex-boyfriend. If it comes to that. You certainly don't want to alienate your non-witness daughter. Because SHE is the daughter who will be there for you unconditionally as YOU get older- probably NOT the witness daughter. So these are just some things you should consider- in my viewpoint. Good luck, Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • shopaholic

    Wait and see what happens with your daughter and her beau. If it doesn't work out, then ask your daughter how she feels about your hanging out with her ex. She may be totally okay with it. It seems that the situation has nothing to do with your JW daughter.

  • Mary
    Should I continue to maintain a friendship with this guy, or break all contact with him, as my j.w. daughter tells me I should do?

    It all depends on how your ex-jw daughter would view it. It sounds like he's a great guy, so hopefully they won't break up and you won't be faced with this decision. I wouldn't worry about it too much unless they actually break up. If they did, then I would approach your daughter to see how she would feel.

    One of my co-workers recently left her husband, as he has a major drinking problem and she couldn't take it any more. I guess other than that he was an okay guy. Her father lives in the basement apartment of the house she shared with her husband. When Stephanie moved out, her father remained there and even spent the Christmas holidays with his son-in-law and his family, as Stephanie flew out west to spend it with her mother. I guess she's fine with the idea of her dad still being on friendly terms with his son in law which is good.

    There is no wrong or right answer to your question. Each case is different.

  • OnTheWayOut

    I am with Flipper on this one. But further, don't just ask the non-JW daughter if it's okay to keep hanging out. Make sure she knows that if she is the least bit uncomfortable with the situation, she just has to say so and you will stop hanging out.

    The fellow will understand and won't expect you to continue a friendship with the girl uncomfortable.

    If the non-JW daughter really doesn't care about it, then do as you see fit.

  • Outaservice

    My wife's ex-husband and I are best of friends since he left the Organization. Wife has no problem with that either.


  • nugget

    Only you are in full possession of the facts so only you know what is appropriate in this case. I would ask your non JW daughter how she would feel if you continued your friendship.

  • moshe

    I think you shouldn't worry about it , Hubert. If it ever comes to that, the boyfriend might decide he is moving on anyway, so all this speculation could end up being a waste of valuable brain cells- and we can't take a chance on wearing them out too soon can we?

    My mom used to say that for every 10 freight trains that look like they will hit you, 9 derail before they get to you. Most worrying about other's problems is only good for raising your blood pressure.

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