had second thoughts about divorcing my JW wife...

by oompa 29 Replies latest jw friends

  • Balsam


    Sorry to hear your going through this. When I left my husband, I left the JW's, lost all my JW friends and had to cling to my worldly friends for support till I got on my feet I was fortunate I had Howard my current husband to get me through the grief of losing everying including my 15 year old son due to an auto accident.

    I've seen witness leave gradually, and ones like me just cut all ties and go. I can't say which was best because everyone is different. For Me it was the best way to go and I've never regreted doing it as I did. Was it painful, oh yah very, but the alternative would have been like slow torture. The love and feeling I had for my JW husband was dead, so it was easier. I knew there was no way I could be out of the JW's and him and I remain together with him very active in it. There wasn't enough in common to support the differences. I know this is a tough time we all know how tough it is. People who say divorce are easy are full of it, getting to the point of divorce is the one of the hardest things life ever gives you. The up side is when you connect to someone who is not an active JW's, life is so much better and easier.

  • nugget

    This is between you and your wife whether you want to be together.

    It shouldn't be entirely 2 seperate social groups after all I don't imagine any of your friends would practice shunning and I am sure your conversations are not limited to apostacy. By being with your wife you are limiting JW contact and really it is whether she feels she can live with that.

    Focus on what you can do together. There is no harm in trying and seeing if it works espeacially if you both still love each other.

  • OnTheWayOut

    Oompa, my kindred spirit.

    My wife will likely never wake up, but I have hope. The important thing is that we have a relationship outside of the WTS. When we travel, it's just her and me, with the occasional trip to the KH for her. When we go to a museum or a restaurant, it's just her and me. At home, it's just her and me. We do have some separate social life issues, but how much of my life is the social aspect? How much of it is yours?

    It isn't the perfect answer, but our love is stronger than the problems. You have reasons to stay with your wife- financial, love, lonliness, sex, etc. She has reasons to stay with you, many are the same, but also the reason that she would be less "marked" in the congregation as the divorcee of Oompa with little prospects of remarrying (no matter how hot she is). Even if she has good prospects, she sees not trying to stay with you as a personal failure to "Jehovah" or views lonliness ahead and an inability to ever get that close to a man.

    Whatever you both feel and think, there are plenty of reasons to consider staying together. Weigh it out. If there is enough happiness in staying, then stay.

    Just yesterday, I told my wife that I might get angry about something stupid every now and again because I am really wanting to discuss the 800 pound gorilla in the room, but she doesn't allow it. Instead, I vent about insignificant things like her forgetting to lock the door or getting me a small coffee when I asked for a large one. She understood my point, accepted my reasons, still refused to talk about the 800 pound gorilla. I can live with that as long as I can speak my mind otherwise.

    I walk a thinner line than you, trying to keep a relationship with my mother. You don't have to TRY to keep up such pretenses anymore, so you might could be yourself in front of your wife and work it out somehow. I "exchange gifts" with family at Xmas and tell my wife it's not Xmas to me, just exchanging gifts with loved ones at a time they chose- true, but still a pretense. You can say what you want about it. Similar with voting, birthdays, buying lottery tickets, whatever.

    Live a good life, damn it. LIVE. If it can include the wife, seriously consider it. If you are going to be miserable, you will find out and be able to still change course later.

  • BabaYaga

    OntheWay, that was a beautiful post.

    Oomps, I love you and I wish you and your wife the best, whatever that might be. It is not an easy road, but at this point you really just have to decide what you would regret the least.


  • Robdar

    It isn't easy to love another person who doesn't believe like you, but I believe it is a worthy endeavor. 22 years must mean something. Did you love your wife before you left the witnesses? Do you love her still? I believe your correct answer lies within your own heart and not on a discussion board.

  • thetrueone

    Sad to hear of this stressful situation between your wife and yourself.

    Unfortunately when it comes to the WT organization, what is wrong for your relationship

    with your wife and yourself is justifiably right for the organization.

    This is why so many married JWS couples divorce when there is division with religious ideologies.

    The best way to approach the situation is to separate yourself from this relationship completely

    in a adult and responsible manner, which would be beneficial toward both you and your ex-partner.

    In that way you can both find your path to happiness, although in separate and different directions.

    All the best

  • thetrueone

    Psst ... by the way Oompa there are many woman out there that are of good respectable character with bodies that a 18 yr.old

    wished they had. Some are actually atheists.

    Go search young man for there are many fish in the sea

  • Farkel


    If your feelings are that strong, I say hang in there and do your best to make it work out. If it doesn't, well you won't have lost anything you would have lost anyway. If it does work out, then you both will be happy.

    You already have years and years invested in your marriage. Do everything you can not to lose that investment if you think it is possible.


  • thetrueone

    Its a hard decision to handle which ever way you look at it, weigh carefully the pro and cons but do so,

    with intension befitting both of yourselves with honesty and good will.

  • moshe

    Sorry, oompa for your grief, but after a divorce your ex-wife will quickly get tired of dancing to the elders tune. She will be especially upset when they give her the 3rd degree over her outside social life- unless she never plans on doing anything outside the KH. That was my ex-wife's experience- she doted on all the help and attention she got from everyone while she was getting rid of her apostate husband (me). A couple years later she was sick of the elders snooping into her social life. She soon quit going to the KH so she could date worldly men and go to C&W bars with a worldly girlfriend. Do you think that 15 years after she left the KH she would tell me that I was "right" all along? I'm still waiting for her mea culpa.

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