had second thoughts about divorcing my JW wife...

by oompa 29 Replies latest jw friends

  • oompa

    Just this week after being separated a little over two months....and funny cause i just got a pm from a newbie about what it is like to leave all...including your wife or husband....anyway, I spent the day with my wife and we talked about it...it is so sad....even though we are very different in natures...i again concluded there is enough in common to be happy and grow old and avoid the very high costs to both of a divorce....EXCEPT we just cant figure out how to have totally separate friends and social lives....that is kinda big and may still be the deal breaker....soooooo frustrating and infuriating..........oompa

    Here was my reply to the newbie pm:

    leaving was terribly hard as my wife is a wonderful and attractive person...my 22 year old son is also a good dub...and my parents are not real old yet and he is a hardcore elder. i had already lost all my lifelong friends and finally decided i could live without my parents if i must. i have been separated a little over two months and have had some second thoughts this week...i think there is enough in common with my wife that we could make it even though we are very different and that was ok as long as the huge thing in our lives..."the truth" was in common...

    now that we do NOT have that in common....i just cant figure out how to go back with her when we would have totally separate social lives and friends....that is not healthy and we have been to two marriage counselors and me two therapists and they all say the marriage is not healthy like this and that it would be nearly impossible to live like that....so i am sad and pissed at WT because there should really be no reason we could not happily grow old together...

  • AllTimeJeff

    Yup. Divorce for me was such a big regret. But, it was the right thing to do, for the reasons you stated.

    2 people have to be on the same page, and willing to work through differences. JW's don't allow any compromise. I didn't want to go through with that kind of life anymore.

    Wish you the best and that you can see your way through. Its not an easy process.

  • lisavegas420

    The time to be happy is NOW.

    Choose happiness now, not what might be in the future. If it wasn't working before, and nothing's really changed...I'm just sayin'

    Be happy NOW.


  • JAFO

    The other problem with such an unhealthy life as that, is that she would (assuming she stays a good dubbie) be unable to have an intimate relationship with anyone ever again, which is both unfair on her and, since you seem to still care for her, would also be difficult for you to cope with, I suspect.

  • chickpea

    if there is a chance to live separately and
    not divorce, explore that option...

    a status of permanent separation is
    pretty much where my h and i are atm....
    there are assests to protect, esp in these
    volatile financial circumstances, so while we
    fully accept that we are NEVER going to live
    together again, we have a great friendship
    that even includes plans for a vacation when
    the youngest one graduates in '11
    (looking at london)

    we love each other enough to call a spade a spade....
    and smart enough not to let hurt feelings get in the way
    of practical financial decisions

  • oompa

    ATJ....thanks friend...good to hear you made it through....god divorce process is stressful as hell...esp at midlife with assets and all...fortunately we good there, so we will both be ok ...plus i feel so sorry for her and her worries about the future...

    Lisavegas...that was very good for me to hear.....again!...thanks

    chickpea....now that seems REALLY out there unless u both are fine with sex with others (of course the jw would not be doing it)....

    JAFO....i hope she will be able to...cause she will for sure have grounds to move on...i am not the celibate type! She will make a GREAT catch for a good JW guy....she never had kids so her only baggage is me, and she still a the body most 18 year old girls wish they had! (dammit)

  • journey-on

    oompa....There is not going to be a perfect solution. It sounds to me like you love your wife and she loves you. Isn't that really all that matters. My hubby and I are as different as can be on the surface and about 80% of the time, we run in different social circles, but at the core where it really really matters, we are totally committed and joined together. And that 20% that we share deeply is worth everything. The rest of the time, we accept each others differences and allow them as long as there is committed faithfulness and loyalty. Barring unforeseen circumstance, we will grow old together. There will be things we laugh about that we shared together and things we will learn new each day about each other.

    I'm betting eventually she is going to begin a very slow fade if you don't push her. I don't know this, but I just have a feeling. Only you can judge yourself according to your own abilities to tolerate the differences and circumstances.

  • Satanus

    Have you tried going on a few dates?


  • aligot ripounsous
    aligot ripounsous


    I've quitted JWs, my wife is still in and we are still together, not even starting to envisage separation, simply because we both think that no religion is worth breaking a family, unless of course one of the partners turns so fanatical that it would make common life unbearable. I don't know all the ins and outs of your situation but is it really so in your houshold ? just saying that, under near normal even though less than ideal conditions, staying with your spouse is possible, and even to be wished (you both said YES once, even in the face of potential adversity), if only to show the WTSers that you are the one, not them, controlling your family life.

  • oompa

    I think i have hurt the marriage so much by being a ragin vocal apostate for three or four years....and no she will likely NEVER wake up....all my efforts have driven her closer and deeper into the org....and us very much apart....her turning me into the elders twice was a nightmare!!......my feelings for her have changed journey on..............i can tell a huge difference and do not think i can get it back........

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