Advice in dealing with family

dbm

I am new to this forum & looking for some suggestions from anyone in similar situation. My husband has been df'd for little over a year & i have also stopped attending in the last 6 months. The problem is my entire family including parents, grandparents, brother, sister-in-law, aunts, uncles, etc., are all still in. We have a 10 yr old son & have seen many problems in the last year or two that are keeping us from wanting to continue raising him as a JW. We live in another state from my family, but my son still visits twice a year for extended periods when my parents take him to every meeting, service, studying every day, and so on. He seems very confused right now since he is close with my parents, but realizes we do not have the same feelings anymore. I also have not told my family yet that I have stopped attending & don't plan to continue. Just looking for any advice about talking to kids about leaving & to family who are still JWs.

changeling

He is your son, and you have the right to ask your family, tactfully, to not inculcate their teachings in him. If you go about this with kindness, they will probably see your point and respect your wishes.

I'm sure they love their grandson and want him in their lives. If you work together, this can all be worked out amicably. Of course, I'm assumiong you have a reasonable family...

If they don't follow your wishes, you have the right to keep them from seeing your son, but this is not a desirable outcome as it would hurt the boy.

Keep your cool, but stand your ground. :)

changeling

Welcome to the forum! :)

leavingwt

Welcome!

cantleave

Hi dbm - welcome to the forrum. Personally I would not allow my kids to have an extended stay with my JW relatives, because they will preach, they will attend mettings and they won't let up. My mum had the audacity this year to tell my 9 year old daughter that she should love Jehovah more than her parents. That was while we were there. Talk about screwing with the mind of a minor.

VIII

My sister had to deal with this and my Mom was highly offended that she (our Mom) would not be allowed to take grandson to meetings. She and my sister butted heads over this and it actually caused a huge rift.

So, you will need to decide how much and how strong in the Truth your parents are and how strongly they feel it is for your son to receive Jehovah's food. They will feel it is critical for him to receive Jehovahs food and will tell your son you are nutz, crazy, wrong etc., for not allowing him to go to meetings and out in Field Service. They will also tell your son not to tell you they took him. My mom tried with with my nephew and like I said, it created a 25 year rift.

This is something to really think about. I would simply not let your son stay over. I would try to visit and have them visit. If they will. With your husband DFd, they may not and will feel even more need to snag your son.

You have my full sympathy. Good luck.

changeling

cantleave: your parents sound like the type children need to be protected from at all costs. Let's hope dbm's are more sensible. :)

dbm

My parents are very strong JWs. Dad has been an elder since age 18, mom never worked outside the home & knows nothing else. They are totally wrapped up in everyone & everything having to do with meetings, service, etc., & will give me lots of guilt over my son.

nugget

You have a problem if you don't tell your relatives, that is you will be asking your son to keep a family secret which will be extrememly stressfull for him. This will be even more difficult if he is staying away from home on his own and being subjected to a stringent regime that he no longer follows at home. It will become more difficult as time goes on. If he lets slip that you no longer believe then if there are consequences with your family he may blame himself.

If you can curtail the extended visits whilst you make the adjustments in your life then it will help your son. If not then you need to explain to your parents that you have regretfully decided to leave the congregation. You have given this step serious consideration and have decided that you will leave your son to make his own choices when he is old enough.

You can not prevent your family taking him to meetings, field service and study because they will see him as the way to you. If they are the staunch witnesses you indicate they are then you know that all this will continue whatever you say.

The problem as I see it will be if they know you have fallen away then they may treat you as a disfellowshipped person and not wish to see you at all. They may still wish to remain in contact with your son and therefore he would be with them unaccompanied. He will receive pressure from them to conform to JW ideals and in turn put pressure on you.

I know that there are times in the year when relatives offering extended holidays can be a blessing. I don't know if you work and use this as a childcare option in summer break, if you do it may be better to look at other alternatives. Still visit relatives but do so with your son for shorter periods. State that this year you are trying something different and feel that your son needs variety in his life as he grows older.

Welcome to the forum

nugget

Talking to your son be honest.

Say that for many years you believed what your relatives believed. Point out that just like him you went to meetings with your parents and were brought up a JW. Most people follow the religon of their parents just like you and just like him. Most people don't question their beliefs and are quite happy to stay in the religon they were raised in. But in the Bible people like the Boreans were commended for looking into things for themselves and you want to be like a Borean. Those early Boreans had to have courage to change from the religon they were brought up in to the new way of life they had chosen. As a family you may need to be like this too.

Sometimes people who follow a faith feel passionately that this is the only right way. They are worried if someone chooses something different then they will not make God happy. Because they are concerned they may say or do things that are hurtful. This is because they feel worried about us. We know that their motives are ok but this is not right. We would not want to be like this. We still love our family but they may take some time to adjust to our changes. We need to respect that it will be difficult for them.

Tell your son you are giving him a gift, that is the gift to make his own choices in life. You will love and support him whatever he chooses in life and whether he chooses to follow a particular faith or not. Because of the choices you made He has opportunities ahead of him that are new and exciting and you will be supportive.

Explain that if he stays with his relatives they may tell him things that are hurtfull and take him to meetings. Explain that when he comes home you will spend some time to talk through any concerns. If he has anything from the meetings he would like to discuss you will be happy to talk to him about it.

Finally assure him you still love your Mum and Dad regardless of what they decide to do and hope that in the future they may to choose to be Boreans too.

Hope this helps

Advice in dealing with family

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