Do you ever actually tell your family you're not coming back? What do I do? (page 3)

stillAwitness

This all makes so much more sense now! Why risk getting DF'd, or DA'd and really hurt my family when I can simply work to maintain a relationship with them.

However, I do attend meetings from time to time and I do see the risk in this now. While the eldeers don't pester me much when I do go I have noticed that if I happen to attend twice within a month (which happens very rarely. I probably attend a meeting about 4 times a year) they want to talk with me a little longer than usual or ask me more questions about "school" and stuff. But like many people who are probably guilty of this, I do attend an assembly, memorial or meeting on occasion just to make my family happy. But now I see that this is just opening up the floodgates and in the end it does not benefit any of us. But I've always believed attending meetings from time to time can be a good thing (for the family involved). Does anyone else do this?

Hopscotch

stillawitness - my husband and I had been away from meetings for around 3 years when my father and sister and their families started pushing for us to go back. We raised a few issues that we had about JW teachings and the UN thing etc and they didn't like that.

When we told them we were not going back after my dad gave us an ultimatum (can you believe it I was 49 and my husband 56 and my father is giving us ultimatums) my family immediately cut us off. We have not heard from them or seen them since January this year after telling them we're finished being JWs.

By the way we are not df'd or da'd just faded.

So if you do outright say you are never going back you risk losing your family.

All the best

Hopscotch

Open mind

"Where there's life, there's hope!"

I puke when I hear JWs saying this.

I rejoice when I hear JWN members say this.

Yeah, I know, I'm biased.

Thanks for starting this thread. We're slowly figuring out how to tread into the waters of fading.

om

FlyingHighNow

I have made it very clear to my JW family that I am never going back.

The Almighty Homer

Never did say that to any of them and I have a rather large family,

my fade out was gradual and quiet one, no big fanfare, simply stating that I didn't believe to a extent

to continue on and just left it at that.

If I would offer some recommendation I reply with something similar, light and respectful.

Bourne

Your situation sounds very much like my own. My "fade" has been relatively easy, and with some intermittent tension, my family relationships have continued on. Sadly though, the ORG has, of late, seen fit to ramp up the "only associate with those who love Jehovah" ie. those who attend the meetings.

However, if you value your relationship with your mom (and it sounds like you do) , don't kill all (her) hope. Remain true to youself and your position. Just don't give her false hope. Help her to understand that, for NOW, you don't see returning. And give her a legitimate non-spiritual reason, if possible. It's alot better than the "This isn't the true religion and you are being dupted, mom." speech. Just keep letting her know that you love her, live a productive and fruitful life and she will understand that, contrary to what the ORG wants her to think, just because you are'nt at the meetings, you're not out there living a self-destructive, amoral lifestyle. Because really, even non-witness parents don't like THAT.

P.S. Only YOU know your situation. Take all opinions here into account and do what YOU feel you should do to maintain family ties. Later, if they (your mom of other family) choose to create an ultimatum regarding your being at the meetings and then proceed to cool or even sever ties with you, at least you will know it was THEM who did it, and, though sad, you will have peace of mind knowing that you gave them every chance to keep the relationship(s) alive.

Good Luck!

Bourne

Gayle

You sound like a wonderful daughter and in many respects, I think your mom is so proud of you. It sounds like you have much respect and love for your mom. I agree with many here for you to always assure your mom of your love. I recommend the "fade" option. Try not to be dogmatic in response.

You have your serious goals and commitment of school. If you go to meetings rarely, fine, but try to avoid the elders if possible. Show you're upbeat and happy. If your mom pushes for more, in the way of meetings, just inform her in your way, that you're not ready for that or not "there" for that at this time and change the subject like, you need her wonderful recipes for this or that.

So many best wishes to you and your new life!

jwfacts

Welcome back Stilla,

I would not say anything to them. You will not be able to change their belief system, and you just risk damaging the relationship. Even if you mother suspects that you will never become active again it is not the same as if you tell her directly. The less you discuss what you believe and plan for the future the less risk of making things worse.

Sadly, it is unfortunate being raised a JW as it is impossible to totally get away from the negative influence it has over your life.

OnTheWayOut

Oh StillA. I really feel for those that know "the truth" about the religion and still attend meetings.
I am glad you got it down, but I really feel for you if you attend an assembly here and there.

I stand by not rocking the boat, but you are still giving them reason to press on, as you realized.

If it makes them happy, I can see the Memorial attendance. It's an hour or so once a year. I don't do it because I wanted to silently say that I am not still believing the religion enough to even do that, but if it were the only way to keep contact with family, I might. I doubt it, but I might.

mamochan13

OnTheWayOut, I agree with you. I also "really feel for those that know "the truth" about the religion and still attend meetings." It's such a hard place to be. One of my daughters' friends does this. She's actually ended up DFd several times as a result.

it's a situation that varies from family to family. Stilla - sounds like you're family is still willing to be reasonable. So many aren't.

Do you ever actually tell your family you're not coming back? What do I do?

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