I have got a huge grudge against Jehovah and his "organization". I feel like it has ruined my life and any chance of a relationship with God..(if there is one.) My immediate family has disowned me along with everyone I was comfortable with my whole life. I get so angry when the elders try to stop by my house to see if my life is bad enough to start coming back to the KingdomHall. I cant stand it. I have abandonment issues now and cant seem to stay in a relationship. I have tried to talk to others about my feelings, but I never feel people understand. I do not want sympathy I want to be happy for once in my life. I had guilt when I was in, and now that I have left I feel lost and alone. Worst of all, becz of what I was taught, I have no fear of death and do not regret any of my stupid actions. What's the point? Im going to be destroyed anyway right? My family life would have been a lot better if the JWs would have never stopped by so many years ago. My Mom used to say we were so lucky that they became JW when I was born, cuz we might be smokers or something. I dont know about all you out there, but I would rather smoke 6 packs a day then deal with the pain that this religion has caused. Please if anyone understands my feelings please give me suggestions for handling my anger.
How do you release the grudge?
I think many of us can identify with the angry. It is natural and normal and part of the grieving process. Are you in a position where you can see a counsellor?
As months and years go by, it WILL get a bit easier. Please hang in there.
How long have you been out? Your wounds seem to be fresh.
to some degree, we all feel the pain of what we have experienced in wt world. some greater than others. each person here has a story to tell. this is a good place to share. put your pain out there when you are ready. someone on this board will see it, and will have lived the same thing. i thought my journey was unique to the wt world. it was not, and i have received many who have and are going through what i am. it really helps. sit back, buckle your seat belt, and hold on. it will be bumpy. but as you take the ride, there are many here who are riding with you.
The comments are so correct... yes we can relate, and yes... it does get better and better and better, so hang in there!
A few thoughts... anger is just a normal and natural stage of loss, and is a stepping stone in your healing process. It is known as part of the "Stages of Grief" that one experiences through any loss, large or small (as in losing someone in death or losing a wallet.)
Read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model
- Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death. [ 1 ]
- Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy. [ 1 ]
- Bargaining — "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the person is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..." [ 1 ]
- Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. [ 1 ]
- Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle. [ 1 ]
(end of quoted material.)
There are many things that can be really beneficial for healing the anger (for although it is just a natural process, if it goes on too long, it will affect your health and well-being.) Some find strength in counseling and self-help pubications, some do personal rituals, some just allow the time to heal them. Regardless, know this: There are WONDERFUL PEOPLE in the world, who are full of love and understanding. There is a lot for you to discover. Look forward to it.
Love and strength to you,
- Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
T-i-me is on our side. Yes it is.
Things will get better in time if you build a social support ystem. This is a good place to start. Please check your pm's by clicking on the envelope in the upper right hand corner.
Things will get better in time if you build a social support system. This is a good place to start. Please check your pm's by clicking on the envelope in the upper right hand corner.
Anger, separation anxiety, with the people of the organization that has tormented you into feeling guilty for your emotions. Something that always bothered me when I was a witness was that our creator made us to feel deeply. Yet the witnesses made us feel so guilty for feeling strongly about anything that wasn't about them. They would tell us how we should distrust our hearts (feelings & intuition) because it is out to deceive us according to the bible. So why did God create man and woman with an ability to feel so Keenly if it was wrong to do so????? They could hinge an entire talk on how our hearts were out to ruin us and make us doubt the organization or the leadership. It was all such baloney and we all know it now. It was always about control to keep us in-line and if we so much as doubted the baloney they fed us, we were being deceived by our own hearts. Of course there was nothing wrong with the organization, it was perfect and we dared not ever question their authority over us. The organization used our own natural emotions to make us believe, and fear them.
I was so angry when I left because I had lost my son because of the blood policy (what I believed then). I was wanting revenge and believe me I thought of all kinds of nasty things to get even with various ones who were proud of my son Dak's death for refusing blood. That lasted for a while then I thought; why am I wasting all this energy on this dumb, ignorant bunch of people including family members. I decided to heck with them all and decided I was done with them. My parents were dead and my siblings weren't witnesses. I had a nephew I never saw and his family who were witnesses. I did have two sons still in the witnesses when I left and I made up my mind I would let them decide whether they wanted to remain JW's. They were 18 and 13 then, when my youngest son visited we didn't talk about JW stuff but I let him know I would take him to meetings if he wanted to go. He never did want to go and gradually both my sons choose to leave without any pressure from me to educate them. I had left their JW dad when I left the religion and I moved away and started a new life. It is the best thing I ever did for myself and it's been 8 years and I can say looking over the past 8 years I've been free of the anger and fear JW held me with since making that decision. Ignorance and fear control's followers in the Jehovah's Witness and they choose to be ignorant and fearful. Family or not they are people and people are easily manipulated with fear tactics, even governments use it to stir up people.
I later came to realize my son did refuse blood transfusions because we raised him believing it was wrong. But he might have died anyway because the auto accident injured him so badly. Yes it was our fault that Dak refused blood because that is what we believed but we made the choice to be in the JW's without really investigating it. Stupidity is bliss they say. Our stupidity was our own fault and I awoke and got the heck out, my ex-husband continues in his stupidity.