Did your big toe get baptized? Did they re-dunk you?

by Open mind 20 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • Open mind
    Open mind

    I have consoled myself over the last couple years in the knowledge that I only studied with one person who ever got baptized and that person has long-since quit the JWs. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks:

    Holy Crap! I have personally baptized hundreds of JWs over the years!

    Oh well, if not me, there were plenty of other attention seekers who would have jumped at the chance. I think I was often picked for the baptism pool mainly because I was married with kids and not particularly hot looking in a wet T-shirt.

    I digress. On to the topic.

    A few years ago at a DC I was "privileged" to do some serial dunking of newbie cult members. The guy in charge made a BIG DEAL during the pre-game show in the locker room about making sure that the "Baptismal Candidate" (tm) was COMPLETELY submerged. That presumably is one of the reasons we always have pairs of guys working together doing the dunking. One guy is "the watcher" and the other guy is "the dunker" and you switch off every few dunkings. Also, more importantly IMO, the watcher can help lift someone up if the dunking goes awry.

    I'll never forget this one woman who reached the top of the stairs, ready for dunking, and MAN did she look unhappy. Her facial expression looked like a cat who had already been through the spin cycle with an extra rinse. She was 1.) extremely obese and probably feeling somewhat self-conscious about that and 2.) deathly afraid of the water. But, she knew there was no way to avoid certain destruction at Armageddon if she didn't come on down the stairs and get it over with.

    Now at this particular dunking ceremony, there was enough room for two teams of dunkers. The other team had one guy on it who made Barney Fife (Don Knotts) seem laid back by comparison. How he ever got picked for dunking duty I'll never know. It was his first, and I'm pretty sure his last, time to be used in the baptismal pool. It was my turn to "watch" and my partner, Brother Seriously Buffed, was going to have the pleasure of baptizing the reluctant hydrophobic feline. I'll spare you some of the drama of getting her ready for the baptism, but here's a couple tidbits. Her family was screaming very obnoxiously from the "spectator section" like she had just scored the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl. She was borderline hyperventilating. Bro. Buffed would shoot me the occasional "I'll be glad when it's over" look. After what felt like an eternity of awkwardness and/or terror for all of us, Ms. Hydrophobia was finally ready to take the plunge for her Creator. She sank beneath the surface.....

    .....except for her thrashing feet. They must have kicked in and out of the water at least 4 or 5 times.

    And Barney Fife is all over it. Mind you, he's not even on our team, but the thrashing caught his eye and he's got a Divine Mandate that must be carried out. "Her foot came out!! Her foot came out!! You've got to do it again!!"

    All three of us, Ms. Hydrophobia, Bro. Seriously Buffed and myself, simultaneously turn on Barney Fife with a look that screamed "Are You Freakin' Kidding Me?!?!" Unfortunately, since speaking in a low voice was not in Barney's individual skill set, the screaming family picked up on the invalid nature of the dunking and they joined voice with Barney in demanding a do-over.

    Another minute or two of cajoling, encouraging and psyching Ms. Hydrophobia up ensued. Bro. Buffed actually says a short prayer with her. We're finally ready to go again. Now, I don't know if the Holy Spirit had anything to do with this or if it was just good timing, but when Bro. Buffed dropped her below the water for the second try, Barney Fife was preoccupied with his own partner's dunking. All the while, Ms. Hydrophobia had one big toe that apparently just didn't want to join the cult. That toe stayed out of the water the whole time. I saw it and so did a somewhat patriarchal looking gentleman in the family section. I looked at him. He looked at me. And now Bro. Buffed is looking at me like I'm the line judge or something.

    My ruling? Close enough. Next!


    1. Did any of your body parts not quite make it all the way beneath the water?

    2. Did they make you go under again?

    3. Any other weird baptism stories you'd like to share?


  • BabaYaga

    Oh, good heavens, you have me laughing!

    I remember the scuttlebut about a "re-dunking" at an assembly when I was a child. I was fascinated and confused. Could it really make that much difference? Was Jehovah really that particular and petty?

    As I understand it, the baptismal candidate had already changed back into their clothes... and when the validity was contested, they had to get back into their wet swimsuit and go get dunked again. Who knows... it was a long, long time ago and I was completely baffled by it all.

  • Farkel

    :Was Jehovah really that particular and petty?

    Self-answering question!


  • minimus

    i was re dipped.

  • OnTheWayOut
    I think I was often picked for the baptism pool mainly because I was married with kids and not particularly hot looking in a wet T-shirt.
    It was my turn to "watch" and my partner, Brother Seriously Buffed, was ....

    Photos please.

    I wonder if I could make such a claim and call my dunking invalidated, therefore making me JC-proof as simply an unbaptized inactive publisher?

    Good story. Barney should have minded his own business. Can you imagine him in the pool if you guys tried to weasle out of this?


  • Open mind
    Open mind

    Baba Yaga:

    Wow! That's pretty hard core to drag someone out of the locker room.


    Jehovah, the particularly petty God of the Hebrews. You should see what he's like when he's off his meds!


    Red dots are extra-bouyant. And way too optimistic for that religion.


    Yeah, there was a fair amount of subliminal sex messages sprinkled here and there.

    As for becoming "unbaptized", hmmm. I doubt your local BOE would go for it. And that's what mainly counts.

    And that Barney Fife vid was hilarious! I think some JWs get the idea that "perfect justice" can be had within the Org and so it nurtures the Barney Fifes. For a little while at least. Until they see how the game is really played.



    That is a Frigg`in hillarious story!

    Maybe just hold them under till thier legs stop wiggling..

    They are Baptized and Dead..

    No chance for them to be DF`d or DA`d..

    You`ve got a Baptizim..


    Hope for a Resurrection in One Shot!..


  • darkl1ght3r

    HAHA! Great story! Well told...

    Yeah, I can so see that happening... Maybe her big toe is gonna rot and fall off when she gets to the new system. They're so into their "rules" that some lose sight of the fact that it's supposed to be a SYMBOL. There's nothing "magical" happening (even in the JW view) during a baptism. It's going through the ACT that counts. As if they need a NFL referee on the sideline to call "FOUL - Invalid Baptism. Incomplete Dunkage. 10-yard penalty. 2nd Down."

    It reminds me of the time when we had a Bethelite speaker giving our memorial talk, and a few in the congregation made a huge fuss over the fact that he didn't PHYSICALLY touch the sacred plate-o-christ and the Jesus juice. "No you actually have to TOUCH the plate for it to be valid." LOL Can you people HEAR yourselves?!?!?

    And that reminds me of how STUPID the "servers" looked each year when they would finish passing the "embelems", bring them to the front, sit down while one brother offered the "embelem" to the speaker, then the speaker would come down and "serve" the "servers" and then return to the stage. OMG, I hated rehersing that crap. Even when I was a believer I was thinking, "You old dudes are making this WAY more complicated than it needs to be."

    Yeah, JWs mock the Catholics for their complicated "rituals" but they seem to be jealous that the GB doesn't give them any of their own.

  • jwfacts

    There was a white sister in Parramatta congregation that had afro hair. Water ran off her hair like water off a duck's back. She was baptised and stepped out of the pool, but then was called back because her scalp did not look wet. They dunked her again, held her under and then rubbed water into her head. She felt humiliated and pissed at what seemed like a total over-reaction.

  • dissed

    OM - you tell good story, enjoyed it very much.

    Little known JW Baptismal fact: The reason why they are so insistant of full-body water covering, is that it's believed if not fully covered, they will someday leave the JW's to apostasy.

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