Status: Compromised. Not much time left.

by sd-7 27 Replies latest jw friends

  • sd-7

    Something terrible happened. I did something to compromise myself and unfortunately my double agent status is over.

    I will soon have to move out on my own and either disassociate or face an invasive witch trial that I honestly would only take part in for the purpose of secretly recording it.

    The woman I loved and lost, I've regained, out of nowhere. Surprisingly, I told her of some of my research and she didn't freak out at all. There are still things I need to tell her that may cause her to leave again. But there's some measure of hope.

    I'm losing my mind--as many of you may be--but I needed to tell you. SD-7 is no more. Soon he'll be an announcement.

    My own mother is already treating me as though I'm DF'd, though she comes into my room to iron her clothes. She's said nothing to me since yesterday morning, and that's totally unlike her. The only thing I got from her was an interrogation and a few slaps in the face (not hard enough to do any damage). Already learning firsthand all about conditional love as taught by the Watchtower Society. On the plus side, didn't make any serious friends on the inside. Just people who liked my talks, elders who wanted to use me for organizational busy work, and folks who mostly ignored me apart from a simple greeting.

    Take care, folks. Might not make it through this, but if I do, I'll see you on the outside.


  • palmtree67

    Been there, done that.

    Good luck. I felt lots of relief after my announcement, hope you do too.

  • bluecanary

    That @#(*$ slapped you? If you're old enough to be kicked out of the house, you're too old for corporal punishment. What the HELL made her think that was ok to do?

  • daniel-p

    What the HELL made her think that was ok to do?

    Probably an overwrought sense of authority by virtue of having a straight line to Jehoober himself. My mom was the exact same way. Self-righteous, never slow to exact any punishment she deemed appropriate.

  • bluecanary

    I'm sorry guys. I'm sorry for everyone who has been through crap like that. I want to hurt people like that.

  • undercover

    Hang in there and keep us posted. We're here to listen if nothing else.

  • out4good3

    Grow a set of balls will you? You do consider yourself an adult don't you?

    You neither have to "disassociate" nor "face an invasive witch-hunt" and I suspect it's long since past that you should've moved out on your own.

    What a crock, you're just as much still under the spell of the WT as your mother in still thinking that they have any control over you or that you owe them an explanation for the decisions you make about your life.

    Get your own place......Get on with your own life......and for goodness sakes.........GET A GRIP!!!!!

  • villabolo

    sd7; What was it exactly that caused your mother to slap you?


  • sd-7

    Crudely stated, out4good, but I get the sense of it. Though I have to argue that courage comes from another part of the anatomy, thank you very much. Only reason I felt a need to do anything was just to get it over with and at least keep the Thought Police from approaching me about it if I show up at a meeting. And I don't think my beloved has seen it for what it really is--yet. I wanted to do it that way for her sake. Forgive me for trying to make a difficult situation slightly less painful. There are those of us who were loyal to the WT for so long that growing up is a much longer process than for those who have grown whatever it is some of us think grants courage. Perhaps a bit of understanding might be in order next time. Otherwise what makes you any better than the WT?

    Villabolo, I didn't wish to mention it here, but it was really just that I stayed out all night--she concluded I was doing something wrong. (Which I was, but let's say I wasn't--would've been dumb of me to take a slap for it.) She approached me while I was in bed and proceeded with the interrogation accompanied by slaps. I didn't say anything out of the way. I didn't say anything, actually.

    Thanks to those who understand.


  • undercover

    Okay, SD...I did a little research and I see that you're 27 years old. If this is not right, feel free to correct me.

    I'm sympathetic to your plight. I'm well aware that many JW youths do not mature as quickly as their "worldly" counterparts. I was in my mid 20s before I left home...with loads of guilt trips thrown my way by my JW mother. I got the silent treatment for about two weeks when I moved out. And I was still an active JW, an MS even.

    Now here comes the hard slap of reality...You're an adult now. Act like one. Get a job, if you don't have one. Get an apartment. Move out and learn how to live out on your own.

    I think your mom is more than just a strict JW mom, she is a controlling mom who refuses to let her son grow up and leave. Nothing you want to do on your own is going to make her happy. The fact that she "makes" a 27 year old man go in service...the fact that she slaps a 27 year old man shows her controlling manner. Being in the JWs just compounds the problem.

    In time she may come around, when she sees that you've become a decent man. But you will not get her approval or support at the outset. If you get DFd you may never get her approval again.

    My blunt advice, for what its worth: Move out, never go back to the hall, never meet with the elders. The only authority they have is what you allow them to have. Start your new life on the right not allowing them any authority over you.

    Your mom is going to have to accept you as an adult who has chosen his path. She doesn't have to like it, she doesn't even have to associate with you. But if you allow her to continue to manipulate you, you're never going to escape her clutches.

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