I have no idea what I want to convey in words here on this site, and have surprised myself by even joining at all. I intended just to read, and get a few pieces of information, and now am a member, and spend many hours looking through posts old and new alike. I am a current JW, born into it, and lets just say I'm in my thirties, female, and a mom of more than your average kids. I hesitate giving too much information, but then I don't really care if I'm DF'd, really. I started engaging in "wrongdoing" lol, have horrible pain and knew that a certain substance would lessen the discomfort (and I was right) and also knew that by deciding to do that, if anyone found out I'd be DF'd, and it just seemed so obsurd. Then I found out a person in my hall was suffering from some residual effects of being molested, and I started to reflect back on the past, my life and others, and I felt like a lightbulb went off in my head. I felt such tremendous guilt for even thinking those things, and was downright terrified to put in EX Jehovah's Witnesses in a seach bar. Of course we are all taught that the only information that's not apostate, or Satanic is from the WT itself. Go to the WT itself and it's rinse and repeat, same ole info. Wait on Jehovah, forgive and don't hold grudges. Don't ask too many questions. I've just had enough.
I've had Committees formed for three separate matters within the last 5 years, and each and every time they blundered the hell out of it, and I was just appalled. Of course they all say that they are just imperfect men, and how Jehovah will fix it, etc....but that's not good enough. How insulting to the Most Powerful Jehovah that he would just have to sit back, hands tied, and unable right now to protect his name, his people. How can they make him out to be so formidable, and so always present, and then in the same breath make him seem like an incapable imbecile that needs imperfect people to exact his rulings and judgements.
I was DF'd once before, and was interrogated as far back as when I was a teen on my "history of sexuality" and sinning against Jehovah. Never mention the fact that possible I was so willing to engage in those things because of molestation in the household? Nah, it's my fault. I should have had better control over myself.
I had a meeting with the BOE and was told that even though there WERE two witnesses to some jackass pervert brother that there was little they could do. They said if I persisted in talking about this instance (there were over 5 instances actually, and a LOT of him leering and generally making us all uncomfortable) that my attitude could result in my being disfellowshipped. I doubt the "brother" was threatened that because before it was all said and done he was given free leeway for at least 7 months before the committee met, he was allowed to cousel US from the bible during one of these meetings...seriously, he was allowed to quote scripture about how Jesus always drew the little children to him, and compared that to touching my child! He eventually skittered away to some unsuspecting congregation before it was a matter of record. Poor them, I consider that to be of my major regrets. I was overwhelmed with lifes responsibilities and so wanted to be the one right in the eyes of Jehovah, I should have fought harder to ensure it, but it was so difficult to downright impossible. I hope he's not harming any little children.
The last instance is too personal, and I feel like I've said too much already.
I had a dream where my husband who is more in the camp of "I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to go back, I can't believe those hypocrites etc, but I don't want to dog the Org or JAH" asked me, in this dream, so what concrete evidence do you have that it's NOT the truth, or the org doesn't have it right...and he pulled the biggie in real life...well WHO IS his people then?
I don't want to sound like a loon and start quoting things from years ago, or information that isn't on the up and up...but I feel like I need to make a defense for myself more than it just feels wrong. Any help?
Daughter of two JWs, sister of JWs, married to a JW, inlaws are all JWs, extended family JWs....I have no one in the world, and about to lose everyone in "the truth". Scared and lost feeling, but also so very calm and peaceful at the same time.