The Grieving Process after Leaving the Cult

by cantleave 17 Replies latest jw friends

  • lancelink

    I am currently going thru this.

    My Mother died in Sept. of 2008, and I DA'd myself in October.

    (The lack of love shown in this religion really pushed me over the edge)

    I find myself looking at God in a whole new light, and the teachings I followed for the past 30 years (as a jw) are just crumbling down.

    Yes, there is grieving, friends / relationships / and memories are a hard wall to break thru, but time really is a friend in this.

    Every month I have grown spiritually without the wtbts monkey on my shoulder.

    I'm sorry if I kind of sidetracked the thread, but in all honesty, life does get better, it's just really hard at first when your past religious focus disappears, and you have to "reinvent" yourself.

  • Hittman

    My mom died while I was in the process of escaping. I'd love to see her again.

    I never will. That sucks, but its reality. Sometimes reality sucks.

    My father is still alive. I think I've spoken to him for a total of about 30 minutes in the past thirty years. It sounds cruel to say it, but he might as well be dead.

    Most religions teach we'll be reunited with loved ones sometimes in the future. You don't have to stick with a destructive cult to hang on to that hope.

  • Robdar

    Did anyone after leaving the bOrg grieve retrospectively for lost relatives and friends. If so, how did you deal with it. How can I help my wife through this when it does inevitably happen?

    Yes, I grieved, heavily. But there is nothing wrong with grieving. Grieving can actually help you heal.

    Please don't use this to try and tell that there is life after death because logic tells me there isn't and I don't have the capacity for faith anymore.

    belief in life after death has nothing to do with faith. Since none of us know for sure, why not keep an open mind.?

    I wish you well in your struggles.

  • OnTheWayOut

    Human beings are so complicated. I can't imagine it ever occuring to most people to consider whether or not to try to wake up a deluded person. I cannot recommend that the real truth be withheld from someone because the hope within the lie is so important to them.

    We deserve to know, no matter what depression might set in, no matter what problems it potentially brings, what was done to us and how we were lied to. It's up to each of us what to do with that information. Maybe she'll think about never seeing someone again, but maybe she can do something as a tribute to her loved one instead of pretending that she'll see her really really soon.

    The lie inhibits ambition. No need for college, no need for hopes of any kind in this system, no need to really miss a loved one.
    She may be bottling up some needed grieving. I had a hope of seeing my older brother that died as a kid. I know my mother clings to such a hope. But if I could help wake her up, I would chance it that she could get through her grieving and really have a happier retirement age.

  • BabaYaga

    What you have to realize is that EVERYONE is going to go through the process of grieving after believing something with all their "heart, mind, and soul" and finding out that the promise was a lie.

    Grieving is part of the normal process of "losing (one's) religion".

    Yes, we all have different things to cope with in our realization. How much of it was a lie? How much of my time and life was a waste? Where shall I go from here? What should I THINK, now that I am allowed to think?!

    We find our own paths (as you have seen by the amazing divergence of faiths and beliefs within this little family here on JWN.)

    There has been discussion before about whether it is actually better for some to stay in, could they actually be better off and happier that way? It seems that on very rare occasion, posters concede that it would be better not to have to go through the panic of realization of the TRUTH about the (T)ruth, but it is rare indeed. Usually, only if the person is near death, and would rather not have to endure the stress and depression and confusion.

    For the most part, I think folks here seem to agree: Waking up is worth it. Not easy... but oh, so worth it.

  • Lucky Calamity
    Lucky Calamity

    Because I believe that all grief is retrospective anyway, I doubt that your wife would be wholly lost to the process of re-grieving her lost grandmother.

    I'm not saying she won't, but I doubt it will be as traumatic as you seem to fear. I think it is a good idea to let your wife process and wake up in her own time, and not project too much about how hard this or that will be.

    Things you expect to be problematic might be a cinch, while the issues that did not cross your mind might prove to be the most difficult -- like getting wife to wake up in the first place.

    I hope it all works out for you!

  • LouBelle

    So what if you can't stand girlie tears - women cry - that is how they express their emotions.If she does go through the greiving process again, as her husband that loves her, you will be there even through the tears, be there support her and comfort her, that is what she wants from you.

  • Heaven

    I agree with leavingwt. Just because you leave 'the cult' doesn't mean you have to give up your hopes.

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