Wow, topic #3 for me. I feel like I have a reputation to live up to. Hopefully there won't be any errors in this one...
So, tonight Mom and I sat down to watch the Wonders of Creation DVD. (I was actually wondering when they will make the switch to Blu-ray. Probably when the technology is slightly outdated, just so they don't appear to be keeping up with the Worldly Joneses...) I didn't get to take notes, like someone else I noticed on the message boards awhile back, but I wanted to offer a random set of thoughts about it, just from what I noticed. It seems I'm sharing my uh, diary, with you folks once more. I suppose I'd be concerned about this window into my mind, but honestly, I'm almost not even that bothered by the thought of being 'caught' by the Thought Police. I'll still be able to monitor things from the outside, to an extent. It's just good to know that I'm not alone in this.
On to the entry:
"SD-7's journal. August 6, 2009. Watchtower in alley this morning, tire tread on ripped pages. This congregation is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The organization is an extended gutter, and the gutter is full of blood fractions, and when the drains finally scab over, all the hypocrites will drown. The accumulated filth of all their checks payable to "Watch Tower, that's two words" will foam up about their waists, and all the pioneers and coordinators of the bodies of elders will look up and shout, "Field service!" And I'll look down and whisper, "No." "
Whoops! Wrong journal! Let's try that again. It was a bad parody anyway...
"We watched the Wonders of Creation video. Society-produced. You know, I never noticed the two different entities--one is "Watchtower" and one is "Watch Tower". A member of Big Brother itself did the introduction and conclusion. I counted at least four times where 'the world' was spoken of in a derogatory way. That seemed a bit excessive, given that the video was supposed to be about the wonders of creation. How does denigrating the rest of mankind bring God glory? Anyway, there was also the usual robot father-son-enjoying-a-hike-in-the-woods-while-looking-like-they-could-almost-put-on-a-tie-and-step-into-the-Kingdom-Hall. They were sure to say, "We're not robots." If that's true, then why is so much of our individuality suppressed?
"They mentioned that "few" can truly appreciate creation--seeming to imply that only Witnesses can truly appreciate it. They showed an image of a world without color, taste, or emotion. While there could be no enjoyment there, one must note that without emotion, enjoyment is irrelevant. (We might add here, "Resistance is futile.") As they displayed scenes of a paradise earth, I caught myself thinking, "Here comes the bribe." Oh, and this earth happens "after Jehovah cleanses the earth." This phrase was mentioned without any apparent regard for its implications. Billions of lives are to be wiped away like so much dirt on the windshield. I can't imagine much smiling going on after carnage like that, whether one can justify it or not.
"Contrasting the vastly unhappy shopper, TV viewer, Net surfer, video gamer, with the father-son hike--a nice touch. A nature hike is apparently an organization-approved activity. So long as it's done after field service. And studying for the next meeting. Or just plain personal study. I was actually surprised to see people playing soccer and golf in the video. I take it those are approved activities, too--as long as the soccer doesn't get too violent.
"The contempt for everything man has accomplished was noteworthy. Man's only use of power is demonstrated in the form of a nuclear mushroom cloud. [I didn't write this in my journal, but I couldn't help being reminded of a 'Family Guy' moment where Evil Monkey becomes a JW and busts out of the closet in a jacket, shirt and tie, holding up a Watchtower with a mushroom cloud on it. Not that I watch 'Family Guy', mind you--I just happened to see that moment. Moving on...] As opposed to the electricity needed to produce this DVD. And the Society's publications, all done via printing press--a human invention. Or maybe all the "earthly belongings" of the Society. It might sound almost cynical to say it, but perhaps they've actually convinced themselves that Jesus built all of their facilities and handed them to the Governing Body.
"But the real catcher--the finale, and I mean apart from the near-immediate "This publication [apparently not a video] is not for sale" message after the main video was over--was the big, golden "WATCHTOWER" logo coming out of heaven. Not until that moment was I truly convinced that we are in a cult. The logo seems to be, dare we say, God's very own glory. I should think they would have chosen a bit more humble way to display the logo. But it actually seems that they want us to see the Watchtower as coming straight out of heaven. If this is not a classic "organization = God" moment, I don't know what is. I wouldn't be surprised if there were some sort of hypnotic suggestion going on behind that logo. It actually frightened me, now that my eyes are open; I used to think it was comical even when I was into it. Well...that's all I can say. I know it's a bit of a scatter-shot analysis, but it's the best I can do since I didn't take notes."
So there you have it. After suffering through the 'Extra Features'--gosh, those were even more boring than the video itself, at least the subtle cult indoctrination was interesting!--it was finally over. Hmm. You know, I actually felt a little sad. Because there are people who will watch this and come away encouraged, with no idea what kinds of hidden messages have been implanted into their heads.
My therapist just told me, "You can't save everyone." I can't save anyone. Not even myself, really. I grasp the reality now, but I can't explain it meaningfully to someone else. I mean, not someone whose mind is closed.
There are those days when I do feel alone. I wish there was a support group in the area I could go to.
But I'm ruining a perfectly good post with self-pity, aren't I? Forgive me. It's just...I'm supposed to be on vacation, but I'm stuck with all these doctor's appointments. Shouldn't have started taking the antidepressants, but I felt desperate after my ex-girlfriend got reinstated and all. Nothing has ever hurt worse than that, those...few weeks, months... For so long I've wished for someone to understand. Never thought I'd be pouring out my heart to total strangers this way.
I'm stronger than this. I just miss the days when life was simple. But to be honest, I'd rather not go back. Passion for knowledge is an irresistible force. I found...that while the 'SD-7-JW' was asking, "Why not?", the 'True SD-7' was asking "Why?" I spent my whole life trying to destroy my true self, and my true self ended up winning the war, after all. I actually consider that to be quite beautiful, in its own way.
Well...if I can find some time for it, I would like for my next post to be solely about '1984' by George Orwell. The book is loaded with WT-appropriate quotes. I guess I can post that without causing copyright troubles, since I did name the fellow. But if something else should come up that's worth talking about, and my early carpal tunnel syndrome allows it, I'll talk about something else. Gee, sorry if you were hoping for more on this post. But this is it. Whoever you are, all you double agents out there, stay strong in the struggle.
Small Along the Watchtower,