I feel alone, i'm now longer allowed on the Ministry and Im not having to study for meetings, so I have this massive great hole in my life.
Hi there. I feel you. What being a JW gave me was this idea that my life meant something.... (it still does, work with me here) But hell, I was going to save the world through preaching! Help weak ones as an elder! Disfellowship evil and bad influences in the congregation. I was the good guy! And I had friends with this in common.
The experience was so dynamic that I am often left wondering if its that dynamicism we try to replace, instead of merely filling in that hole with as much "life mortar" as we can, filling in the rest with real life. Our expectations need to be adjusted from "saving the world" to "appreciating and living our life."
There is a positive way to view the void though... Its empty now, but at least you can purposely fill it up with what you choose. Or you can choose to let life fill it up with whatever the wind blows in. But at least you have the opportunity.
Don't be dissuaded from following your heart and your dreams. School? Love? Books? Golf? Whats your cup of tea?
It's the mental agony as well, kind of knowing that friends that you thought would always be there, arent any more. And after two years of indoctrination, I feel that Im displeasing Jehovah or abandoning God.
No. God is likely very happy that you use your mind along with your heart. Why do you think he gave you both?
Have confidence in yourself. You are irreplaceable. There is only one you, and how you view the world is no more or less important then anyone else in the world. You are wrong to feel that god is displeased with you. Did you abandon your parents when you left home and went on your own? Same thing with god. There is a grown up way to view all of this, and I encourage you to do that.
But most of all, just honor your grieving process. You have been depressed. Sometimes, that can hurt our ability to see things as they are. Grief needs to be expressed. There is strength in expressing a low point. And you are stronger then you think....