Been thinking about things...

by Strider Arekksu 13 Replies latest jw friends

Strider Arekksu


Hey, I've been having some real issues lately. I don't know if it's about this religion, the people in it, maybe its just life in general, I'm kind of just lost you know? I'm not particularly in a position to really to disregard this religion are anything and I guess I don't see real reason I why I should based on my circumstances.
It's just me, it's not like I lost family going into the religion, or would lose any going out. I'm alone (which is also a problem I'm having). My grandma is what got me interested in checking the religion out, she was dedicated, but she was not "brainwashed" like people like to say, which is what made me respect her and the things she advised and told me. She did not have high education but she was VERY wise. She's gone now, and I thought that I would try to get into the religion to really understand what it was she felt.
When I first started going towards the end of high school I went to a friend’s congregation so I could be with people my age and people I knew. When I got there, since I was so young and knowledgeable of the “truth”, (based on personal study and questions with my grandma) I got supported real fast among the older people. I HATE reading answers word for word and I always expressed how I really felt during comments and what not, it seemed that everyone loved it when I commented. I kind of find it strange that people here and other places complain that they only accept cookie cutter answers from the paragraphs, from my experience; it's not like that at all. Anyway, even though I was always a little nervous, answering questions and making comments was never a problem for me.
It seemed that my friend was having problems with cliques and what not, he claimed that all of his childhood friends there started ignoring him and not talking to him and only meeting him half way in convos, especially a particular girl he grew up with. I never really understood this though. I admit that there were indeed some problems with the young people there and they did treat him bad (I've witnessed it), and they were indeed cliquish, but I never had a problem with it. I was invited to some things but not EVERYTHING, and I didn't really care if I was. I'm anti-social to a fault and am more comfortable with the friends I grew up with in school, so I was never bothered by this. My friend explained to me that the person studying with him would get on him for hanging out with non-believers (we hung out with the same ones). I never got hounded for hanging out with my friends who were not in the truth. I felt obligated to stand by my friend’s side even though I was not in the predicament he was in.
Even though I was not suffering, I saw the problem for what it was. A lot of the elders though didn't, one of them even cried when he found out what was going on. Some knew and didn't care, some didn't know how to deal with it. I know some people reading this would problem think badly of the religion itself, as much as I wanted to get mad at the religion, I looked beyond that and saw the whole picture. We would get many different letters from bethel and stuff about the problems we were having with cliques and people not opening up, so at least in my mind, the watch tower guys were doing their jobs or at least attempting to, not covering it up or making excuses for it. I can't really blame the religion if the elders don't follow through with making sure these issues are not only addressed but settled. I felt that it was similar to blaming Jesus for allowing a man to journey with him who would latter betray him and cause trouble for the whole group. I felt that I couldn't blame Jehovah for the incompetence and imperfection of men. I was expecting perfection from the organization and that is a flaw that I just recently found within myself. To be fair, Jehovah does not expect perfection from me, so I guess I shouldn't expect perfection from an organization God uses (or so they claim he does)? It was difficult to know this fact, but if I ever had a big problem with it, I was obviously free to move to another congregation. Some congregations are better spirited than others and usually have a very different ethnic majority, but that's a whole deeper issue I'm not going to touch in here.
As of late, I have been trying to get through college and get a BFA in Graphic Design sense I am in love with art and music. I also have had problems with my circle of friends, and my family schedule has been thrown off of whack since my dad changed jobs. I haven't been getting out in the ministry and I haven't really been commenting because I'm so flustered and disorganized in my life. Despite this I have yet to be pressured by anyone in the congregation, never looked down on me for going t o college, they still talk to me, they still invite me to stuff and I never come, even though I say I'll try. The younger ones will come see me while I'm working (especially the girl my friend had an issue with, she makes sure she comes to see me if she is nearby). All in all they have treated me very well and I did nothing but shit on their kindness because of my own screwed up predicaments. I feel so bad that sometimes i want to cry, but I can't. I haven't cried in like years. I feel alone, but I think that's because it's my own fault. I was trying to go to college so I could get a good job and move on my own and provide for my future family and not go insane in the process.
I haven't made a lot of progress since baptism. I usually don't have any of the general common doubts or anything. Some of the mind shakers such as the blood transfusion issue in stuff don't really bother me, but that's mainly because I just don't want someone else blood in me, it's cheap medical procedure and sometimes can cause problems for patients, when I found out they didn't agree with it, I didn't really care honestly, but that's just me I guess. Strangely, I'm a bit of a cynic. What bothers me most is just the fact that it's just the same thing, and I feel like they are preaching about a day that is never coming (but may very well need to). It gets annoying, because even outside of this religion people play games and clown out and I get annoyed with it too. I was talking to a sister my age about relationship issues I had in the past and how I felt that women were crazy, she said that religious women were the craziest of all. To be honest... from the girls I dealt with outside of the religion, it would be pretty damn hard to compete with them even with religious craze thrown in. Studying history, people and governments especially in the western hemisphere have done pretty screwed up things that really need something like divine justice to straighten the matter out. While I don't believe that only witnesses would survive the apocalypse, I've honestly never read or heard it expressed that way to begin with (at least in this period of the society).
There was once a time where I made a very selfish prayer. It was my junior year in high school and I went to the homecoming dance. There was a girl that I had a crush on and I just wanted a moment where I could dance with her. I was never very good with girls at that age, and I just wanted to slow dance with her and that would have made me happy, I could have immediately left after that. In the back of my mind I felt that I would never get an answer to such a selfish prayer, boy was I wrong. Towards the end of the dance, a slow dance song came on, and everyone found a partner to dance with except her. She wondered around the area with a sad look on her face, like something out of a cheesy movie. I was right there...frozen... I won't lie, I was nervous, but I was mostly stupefied. Stupefied that God actually answered my prayers, to this quality. I couldn't believe it. But by the time I regained my senses someone else came in and offered to dance with her. I was upset. I went home and cried, because I felt that God was so kind to answer a selfish prayer, but I spit on it like a fool.
Ever since that night I have never prayed for anything for myself, honestly. Not without the doubt that it wouldn't be answered at least. I felt that he would think that I would just waste it again. I've done things own my own and never asked God for help, and while at first I had no problems with it, now I feel that I'm going nowhere fast. I'm lost honestly and I don't know what to really do, I just know who to trust anymore. And it’s hard to trust anyone these days; everyone seems to have an agenda.
I guess my distrust also goes towards the society, even though I personally have no reason to really distrust them on a major scale, some people do for one reason or another. But I don't know, if the society is trying to accomplish something other than what they claim, all I can really see them doing is controlling and brainwashing a bunch of people I guess. But in the end that doesn't really accomplish anything. "Hey I have a whole bunch of people who believe everything I say to a fault, let's not take over the world or anything, let's just become social outcasts of society!" Yeah that sounds like a perfectly sane goal to me... I'm really not sure what to do, maybe I should retrace me steps... regroup my thoughts so to sepak.
mrsjones5

You sound like a normal guy to me. Not selfish, just normal.
Keep on thinking. I have a feeling that it's leading you out and you may be a tad bit scared. That's OK.
Josie
BabaYaga

Hello and welcome, Strider!
I agree with Jonesie, you don't sound selfish at all. Don't beat yourself up! You certainly sound compassionate, perceptive, and wise in your post. You sound like a wonderful friend to have, and that is a beautiful thing.
Congrats on your college classes! You will learn great things and meet interesting people there. Broadening your mind is always a good thing... more knowledge just reinforces that which is truly absolute (and you will find that absolutes become very rare.)
I'm glad you are here.
Love,
Baba.
Strider Arekksu

Thank you guys, I feel a tad better after letting that out and getting back some responses. Although I haven't been paying too much attention at meeting lately (mostly due to fatigue), I do know that a lot of people have different opinions in the religion and a lot of them are freely expressed. I've heard people on the stage talk about not using the term "wordly" and also read somethings in the litatrature that discussed and stress not judging people for certain dicsicions they make based on their conscions. Looks like things are getting a little more loose in terms of rules and stuff.
poppers

Welcome to the board. So you didn't take advantage of your "answered prayer". Have you considered the possibility that the girl was simply free to dance without an intervention by God to make it so? It's called coincidence - that sort of thing happens all the time. You are not a puppet on anyone's string, so make your way through life on your terms.
Heaven

Welcome to the Forum, Strider! You might find Stephen Covey's books ("7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and "First Things First") helpful. Sometimes we need to stand back and take a look at our lives to determine what it is we truly want out of life. The Universal Law of Attraction is also something that you may wish to research if you are not familiar with it. Basically, it is the following... Positiveness Begets Positive Results and Negativism Begets Negative Results. What we focus on expands, so we need to focus on positive things and what we truly want out of life.
None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. To accept people for who they are, flaws and all, takes patience and tolerance. Don't worry so much about peoples' agendas. Go with what works for you. If you don't like someone, then you don't have to associate with them. It's your choice. Try not to take things too personally. This is something I've had to work on. That, and, not to judge people so harshly as I was raised to do. I do tell people when I don't like things they have done. I believe sometimes people don't realize things at times. But I am working on communicating this in a positive and non-judgmental way now.
I am glad to see you are going through school for something you love to do! This is excellent. If you are so inclined, there is a Thread going on the Forum about sharing your artwork at http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/friends/177060/1/Show-us-your-art.
yknot

Well it sounds like you are in a seeking mode.....
Beyond that you sound like a nice and normal fellow!
I think we will be very interesting what type of perspective you will bring to the board!
I noticed you brought up blood, and while I can understand your personal viewpoint I was wondering how you feel and think about the WTS stance on a person's personal conscience matter causing them to be autoDA when it colides with current WTS policy?
Spike Tassel

• To Strider Arekksu (Post 1): Welcome, Strider. I've made some of the same mistakes as you, so maybe some of what I say might work for you too. First, I can tell you that when I need to write something down and then copy it into JWN, I now make sure it's in a .txt file, so that I don't get the gobbledy-gook at the start of my posts, like I did when I did my first post, just like you did with your first one. That way, you'll feel like taking your time again, like you did here.
• It's good that you had such a WISE grandma. It sounds like she knew what is really important: keeping calm, listening to what other people have on their mind, and being there for them with love, kindly telling what's on her mind as to what the Good Book says. You've been like that yourself, and you felt good when you commented freely at the meetings in your own words. That's evident here, in front of us total strangers, so I think you can do it again, if you can let Jehovah help all your priorities get together in the same way. Being a little nervous, but speaking out just the same because you know it's right and needs to be said: that's called humble courage. That's excellent.
• There's lots and lots more you talked about, but it's important not to think too much about yourself, that's like what happened to Job: he needed Elihu and Jehovah to speak up and ask him about the rain and the stars and the hippo and stuff like that. It got him thinking about Jehovah and the world Job could learn about, and the awesome things that Jehovah can do. Just as Jehovah helped Job and especially once Job prayed for his false comforters, so he'll help you. James 4:7-10 is good advice for all of us, even if it gets very emotional sometimes, like verse 9 there talks about. Being "anti-social" can be a good thing, as long as we each keep away from things that interfere with our relationship with Jehovah.
• I remember hearing, every once in a while, a particular thing at the meetings that you might have heard a few times yourself. It goes like this:- Which meeting is the most important?, the next one.
• I wish you well as you move on in your spiritual journey to the rest of what Jehovah has to offer you. — Spike Tassel.
Chalam

Hi and welcome aboard!
Hey, God loves to answer our prayers and give us good things :)
Matthew 7:11 (New International Version)

11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
I think you need to get to know the way, the truth and the life
John 14:6 (New International Version)

6 Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
All the best,
Stephen
Strider Arekksu

"I was wondering how you feel and think about the WTS stance on a person's personal conscience matter causing them to be autoDA when it colides with current WTS policy?"
Oh, I've noticed people tell this scenario a lot. I'm actually a little confused about it though. I haven't read tons of watchtowers and I can't remember a lot of the stuff in the things that I actually have read. I do find it strange that people are treated like that though and then eventually disfollowshipped? Doesn't make sense to me, but then again I don't know these people and I don't know the whole story. I honestly do believe the elders and members of congregations would treat people like this though. If people misapply and mistreat their brothers and sisters I can't really blame the litarature cause it never says to assume and judge people based on their descisions (as far as I have read). In the end it just makes them all hypocrites, and I can't stand hypocrisy a thing they claim they do not do, which makes it worse.
Again I've never seen the WTS get involved with this stuff, it's usally just the elders and sometimes only goes to the CO. The only time I've seen WTS get involved with stuff personally is when people in congregations were clearly acting poorly and it was effecting more than just one person. My only beef with the WTS is the 1975 fiasco and the organ transplant stuff. I think that alot of stuff that goes on in the organization the WTS doesn't hear about because the people who do this stuff know that they'd be knee deep in crap I guess.

Been thinking about things...

Matthew 7:11 (New International Version)

John 14:6 (New International Version)

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