To Fade or Not To Fade... An Opinion.....

by AllTimeJeff 57 Replies latest jw friends

  • The Berean
    The Berean

    To "fade" or not?

    There are many youngster who simply did as they were told to do until they reached a point in life when they were no longer under obligation to "obey their parents. " These never really bought the JW package and were simply serving time in an organization they neither believed in nor felt a part of. For them an official notice of separation is of little value. Whatever most expediently puts "closure" to forced servitude seems best.

    I read many posts from those who have taken official steps to make their break known, yet after many years and thousands of posts the anger apparently still rages on. So did that approach work? Are we spending time and energy kicking a dead horse? I once again say: Until one can take it or leave it without emotion, to some extent the WBTS is still a force in ones mind. Let each find their own exit strategy.

  • cognac

    Well, I chose a fade to help get my husband, family and whoever else I could - out. How am I going to get them out if they can't talk to me? Plus, my husband would have walls up around him and I'd never be able to get him out.


    Well, my husband is mostly mentally free of them. He hasn't gone out in service for over a year. He rarely studies. Maybe about 20 minutes in the past year that I've seen. And he thinks a lot of apostate thoughts but doesn't even realize it.

    I've been able to work through to my family a little bit at a time. I've told them and a lot agree that you should be able to question a lot of things without consequences. I've told them what happened to me with other members who got mad at me for questioning things. I've told them that those who get mad simply lack faith. Because if there faith was strong they wouldn't have an issue answering questions - they would simply answer them. Since they can't, they get mad.

    I won't go into my exact questions yet, but I will bring up thought provoking ideas to them like that. I find that it works better and get's them to think about concepts.

    For example, my sil was getting mad at my brother for not studying much and not going to all the meetings. I mentioned that Jesus stated that peoples loads should be light. If peoples loads were not light, something is wrong. If you are trying to force my brother to do something that he doesn't want to do, then you are bearing down on his load with is unscriptural. Let him just enjoy his relationship with Jehovah rather then put so much pressure on him. She actually listened and agreed!

    These are things I couldn't do if I was out. I feel I can do a lot of good in...

  • cognac

    Plus, for me personally, fading brings me much more closure then d'aing could because I can speak out against things so much.

  • AllTimeJeff

    I have really enjoyed the replies to this, and I hope they keep coming. I don't have time for a detailed reply at the moment, but I will get to that. Thanks!

  • VIII

    I faded before I knew what fading was. I never heard of DAing.

    All I knew was people were DFd for "Conduct Unbecoming a Christian" or they just fell off the radar and were totally ignored. When and if they ever showed up to meetings they were treated like they had been to summer camp. Everyone asked them how they were, where they'd been, etc.

    That was about 30 years ago.

    When I came upon this site I started understanding the various levels of fading and DAing. And the various forms of DFing. Big changes from when I last went into a KH. It simply is not discussed by my family. If it gets discussed, it may have to be addressed and they simply don't want to deal with it. So, ignore it and they talk to me.

    Which is fine with me. I saw them this past weekend. We simply don't talk, in person, about anything regarding the JWs. That is done on e-mail and the telephone.

    On e-mail I can ignore the invites to the Memorial and DCs. On the phone I can say "Thanks, but I'm busy." They know not to press.

    So, for now, I have an unspoken agreement with them to not bash the JWs (to them) and they will not push too hard for me to return.

    Is it perfect? No.

    But, I still have a dysfunctional relationship with them. Which is better than none. I think.

  • daniel-p

    I don't think this decision can ever be broken down into pure logic. There are just too many emotional factors involved, and not only our own emotions, but those of others. If I had to start it all over again, I'd have done a few things differently, but I'm not so sure I wouldn't have followed the same overall progression of a "fade."

    I would have opened up more to my wife earlier on about how I was feeling and the doubts I had.

    I probably wouldn't open up to my parents... I can't trust them entirely anyway.

    All in all, I think I faded very effectively. When I realized I had no more faith in the WTS, I knew I had to step down as a ministerial servant. I used my "being stumbled" as a pretext to do so, telling the elders I couldn't set a good example anymore. They came over and tried to "adjust" my thinking, but I steered the conversation clear of any more serious doubts I had. Then, I just started cutting back on meetings, dropped field service, and avoided elders trying to get in touch to "encourage" me. It's been almost four years now, and I can safely say I've faded completely. I only go to the memorial with my wife, and this is the second year I've now gone without attending a convention or assembly. And yet, I have a relationship with my family (albiet a little constrained), and keep in touch with old friends. Most importantly, I've kept the peace with my wife and not alienated her. That was one of the risky things earlier on... and we went through some pretty hard times with our marriage being fairly rocky. But now I feel we see things eye to eye more than we don't, and we're best friends, better friends surely than when I was "in."

    I've learned to envision the kind of relationships I want to have with my family and friends in the distant future and make choices that will support that vision. I'm not 100% confident that I'll have everything I envision (having my cake and eating it too), but it's important for me to live my life like I have some control over the relationships in it.

  • minimus

    Fading has its benefits but it might not be "ideal". DA'ing gives away any right to contest the action against the congregation. It is a legal tool invented by the Society. They pulled a fast one though...if you fade, they may say you have disassociated yourself, in reality.

    I think each person has to decide what's best for them.

  • AllTimeJeff

    Before I go back to work, I wanted to throw this in for any faders who care to comment: Has there been any toll on you, and especially, your individuality?

    I would be sincerely interested to learn how you may feel about this.... Thanks again!

    And by the way, for all the faders who have commented thus far, my thoughts and feelings are with you. Surely, that could not be an easy decision to make, or an easy life to live.

  • daniel-p

    DA'ing gives away any right to contest the action against the congregation. It is a legal tool invented by the Society.

    It's also a means to immediately alienate yourself from others. For some, it's too big of a shock to cope with.

  • Quirky1

    I'm working on the fade. No meetings since Jan. '08. I would rather they DA me instead, just for closure.

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