Very confused-help please

by hatchetsup 45 Replies latest jw friends

  • hatchetsup

    Just found this board late last night and can't stop reading, it's fascinating.

    Let me give you a quick background of myself. I was born a jw, never baptized, was labeled bad association when I was 12 due to having all worldy friends and smoking, lol. I was very confused how being that young I could be labelled as that but i was. When I was 13 I moved from Drumheller, Alberta to Windsor, Ontario to live with my worldly father and never went to another meeting.

    There were always things i still believed about the truth, i dont believe in heaven or hell, things like that, its all very confusing.

    3 weeks ago i had a life changing event, my grandmother in drumheller passed away. i made it out in time to see her in the hospital the day before she passed. she was a witness, my mother and sister are both still in the truth. we were in her hospital room late the night before she passed, my mom, sister, aunt and uncle. when we were going to leave i asked if i could have a moment alone with her, i just wanted time by myself to tell her how much i loved her and will miss her. my sister asked for the same and thanked me after for asking for alone time with her. my sister said she was happy since she believed things that my aunt and uncle dont believe, eg. seeing her again in paradise on earth. a few days later we spread my grandmas ashes at my granpas gravesite, his gravestone reads until resurrection.

    im 32 and have not found any type of religion in my life since leaving the truth because i dont really believe anything, but these events with my grandma opened up a lot of questions for me. what if it is the truth? what if my family will be in paradise and i wont? i find it very scary when i think about it.

    so i started researching the internet and came upon the wt website and signed up for a bible study. not like im gonna jump back in but wanted to ask some questions now that im more mature than 12, lol. problem is noone has contacted me, so im sitting here thinking if it is the truth, why would they not come talk to me? why wouldnt jehovah direct a brother to com and speak with me?

    my bday was on wednesday and i got the book im perfect youre doomed and read it cover to cover in one day. since then i have found all these apostate websites that i never knew existed and how many people are in these situations. for example i had never heard of ray franz and his books but will be going to chapters tomorrow to get them.

    i dont even know what im asking for on this forum, maybe support, maybe advice, should i go through with a bible study to get some answers?? im a 32 year old guy with a bunch of tattoos, smokes, likes horror movies and my favourite band is the insane clown posse, lol, and i used ot be a jw. does this mean im going to die in armageddon if there is one???

    any response would be appreciated


  • Quirky1

    Welcome to the board!!

    I have one question; if you do not believe and after all this time why are you inquiring now?

    Keep reading and posting, and you might want to check out the "Best of" section here.

    You will find much support.


  • rockmehardplace

    1. Sorry about your Grandmother. Loss of family is very tough and I am glad you had time privately.

    2. As for how the request for a bible study works. You submit online and it takes a few weeks to go from HQ to the local congregation for where you live. Someone will show up I am sure of that.

    3. As you have probably read, some of us are out by decision. Some of us are in and want out by our own decision. Some of us are stuck by our own decision. Some of us are just not sure what is going on, again by our own decision. You are 32 and a grown adult. What ever decision you make, let it be an informed decision not based solely on emotion. It is tough to lose someone and like all of us that have lost someone, we want more time with them. Read, compare, talk to others. Remember, studying from one book about the bible is not going to give you all the information you need to make a decision.

    4. Sorry that you like Insane Clown Posse. Not because they are "bad" as in "bad", but "bad" as in horrible to the ears.

  • Ultimate Reality
    Ultimate Reality

    Another very good and comprehensive source is As one who was born-in, baptized, and served in various capacities, I have found it both accurate and beneficial.

  • chicken little
    chicken little

    Hej Hatchetsup,

    Welcome to the board. Sorry about your grandmother, it is hard to say least you got that chance.

    To come back to your asking for help. I want to tell you about my brother. He is 48 and been a biker since he was 16, covered in tattoos, loves heavy rock and has lots of lovely girlfriends (2 kids as well). He is a lovely guy, heart of gold and would do anything for anyone.

    We were brought up as Jws but my parents left the "truth" when he was 12, I stayed in for various reasons (fear, group acceptance, low self worth, hatred of my parents....many other reasons).

    When my brother left her had his wild life and the topic of the witnesses we sidestepped to remain good friends. When I left after over 30 years of being a witness he was shocked to his core. He never believed I would stop, I was so IN... Well the conversations we had from that point on were very revealing. He still suffered from nightmares of armaggedon from the pictures in the old books. This is after 36 years!

    My view now is that we were young and impressionable, we were taught that it truly was going to happen. We keep it deep inside of us the same as all the other lasting deep impressions in life are there. In times of stress or extreme difficulties many of the old insecurities pop up. The mind reverts quickly to the deepest memory and up it comes....I was in therapy for a while to understand just how it works. It means we subconsciously go back to those old "truths" to find meaning in our life crisis now. I went through this with recalling child abuse some years ago...the memories just pushed their way up even though I had blocked them.

    So dont be too suprised by what is happening. Just do not make the mistake of believing what your memory is telling you. If you want to investigate the witnesses you can do it without a bible study with them, this board will help you. You may feel your life choices have been wrong, but there again they were your least you had that chance. Those staying with the witnesses give up all life choices and go into remote control.

    Life is wonderful if you keep in mind that there are always the unknown things that can alter it from one day to the next.

    After 45 years as a witness I can say I truly started living 2 years ago when I stopped and put it all behind me.

    I wish you all the best in your quest.

    Chicken little

  • hatchetsup

    Hey quirky

    i think im confused since my grandma passed and dont know better, if that makes sense, ive never been to another church because of what i was told when i was young. i just have questions about death and what comes after, and what is going to happen. what if jw's are right and there is a paradise and i miss out on it. seems stupid to ask these questions after 19 years, i know, lol

  • isaacaustin

    Welcome to the board. We all have our own unque experiences in the org. You will be able to get a vaired wealth of info and experience here from people who have served in avarious capacities. Life and the world around us is nothing that the org has drilled into not only you, but each of us at one time. PM me if you like. Feel free to ask me anything.

  • Quirky1

    I think you will find many on here who no longer believe in religion, a supreme being or another life. But, there are many here that still do have some spirituality in them.

    I am pretty agnostic at this time and believe that this life is all you have and you should enjoy it and make the best of it for yourself and others.

  • FlyingHighNow

    You are not going to die at the big A.

    i dont even know what im asking for on this forum, maybe support, maybe advice, should i go through with a bible study to get some answers?? im a 32 year old guy with a bunch of tattoos, smokes, likes horror movies and my favourite band is the insane clown posse, lol, and i used ot be a jw. does this mean im going to die in armageddon if there is one???

    You sound just beautiful in your independence. Don't change for them. If you change, do it because it's something YOU decide you need to do.

  • hatchetsup

    can i first say thank you to all who have responded, i cant believe how many ex jw's are out there. i feel better already. not trying to sound like a dork, but it feels good to finally say something about my past, ive always kept it bottled up, it feels like such a release to finally get it off my shoulders. i cant believe how much stuff is kept buried until something brings it up.

    im already late for work, cant wait to get home at 1030 and research this site some more!!

Share this