how hard is it to move on?...lose everyone?...start new???

by oompa 43 Replies latest jw friends

  • oompa

    dan p........that is really the question..........oompa

  • choosing life
    choosing life

    I thought your wife already knew you believed it was all bullsh*t? Does she still want to stay with you? Do you still love your wife? Do you have minor children that will be affected?

    Leaving the bogus religion is something only you can decide about. It doesn't have to include leaving your wife and kids unless your wife decides that for you. I thought you wrote that she still adored you?

    I'm confused?

  • flipper

    OOMPA- From my conversation with you - I thought you were just reproved in your last episode with the elders. So - what makes you think you NEED to move on ? Is your dad, your wife, or your JW son shunning you? They should be encouraging you if you are just in a reproved state. So you shouldn't be " losing everyone" . True- when we fade and stop going to meetings the JW's are trained to think WE are dangerous association. It's how all cults train their members to believe. I've been faded 6 years now and most of my former witness "friends " don't call or associate with me . Some family members associate with me like my parents and nieces and nephews who aren't " strong " witnesses. I'm working on getting my relationship going with my older daughter again after not talking for a year and a half . So far, so good.

    But OOMPA you will find it will be a mixed bag- some witnesses will associate with you in an inactive state, some will shun you, it goes with the territory. The main thing you need to do is stay close to your adult children, show them your authentic non-cult love just as a father. Avoid JW topics that might lead to fights and needless stressful debates. Just continue showing your wife you love her also - and prove it by your actions. It's cliche- but actions speak louder than words. Stay busy in hobbies you enjoy, and share those hobbies with your wife or children . It will help them see you are still connected to them as a loving father- even IF you don't go to meetings. I wish you the best , just be smart

  • JWdaughter

    It IS hard, that's how they keep people in. Darn hard. (I am trying to cut back on the cussing, but there are stronger words that would be appropriate).

    I only lost some relatives that were hinky and JW friends. My mom, with a few exceptions, has been pretty cool with me, and today she called and wished me happy birthday and told me how glad she was to have me and that she remembers this day with joy. (Which is all a birthday celebration IS, for crying out loud!!!)

    I didn't have nearly as much to lose as you, Oompa. But I wonder how much you are daily losing of your soul by playing the game. Either way, you are going to have to bite the bullet and live (and find joy) in the decision you make. I hope you will. If you give in to despair, then the WT wins. You can stay in for your own reasons and do what you need to or sneak around-whatever-to see your other son, or surruptiously plant doubts in other JWs, but you have to decide to be happy or no matter what you decide about leaving or not, you won't be.

  • beksbks
    How much are you willing to lose?

    IMHO, you could just as easily say how much are you willing to gain?

  • wavvy

    I know there are some people who will treat you like you are Dfd even when you have just faded away, but I think that people who really love you will be (secretly) relieved that they are still allowed to associate with you.

    I have the same situation as you in some ways, oompa, in that my parents are old and I really want to minimize the hurt to them. I don't know if this is the best way to deal with it, but in my case I chose to avoid being Dfd so as not to force them into a difficult position. This means that I can't be clear with them about how I feel about it all. Usually I just refuse to talk to them about it. I make it clear that the decision is mine alone and that I will not be persuaded otherwise but I won't get into discussions about the 'whys'. I've told my parents that I am sorry for the hurt to them, and that I almost wish I could go back just to make them happy, but that if I did it would all be a lie. I've reassured them that if I ever decide to go back (not likely!) they will be the first to know.

    It's a hard one: you've got to be true to yourself, but try not to hurt your loved ones. EIther way it's going to be painful. But, I think if you can find a way out which causes the least offense, you leave yourself in a situation where you may eventually be able to help the one's you love to escape as well.

  • hybridous

    how hard is it to move on?...lose everyone?...start new???

    I think you already know. It's hard.

    Yet, it's easier than the alternative...

    There is something wonderful about living an open and honest life. Now that you know too much, you can't live it within that box. It helped me to know that I wasn't the first one blazing the trail. Others had gone before me and were there to give friendly advice and lend a helping hand.

    They let me know I could make it through. Because they had made it through. And now, you can make it through.

  • Almost_Did_It

    I cannot even begin to compare myself with many of thje posters here, as I was never baptized, or had become a regular participant in meetings, assemblies, and what not... but, that aside, I still have those feelings of being denied friends that I had made over the past two years... the anger, uncertainty, the "what on earth did I do to deserve this," feelings just don't seem to want to go away.

    I know that I was love-bombed." Logically it makes perfect sense that this is what happened. When you sit and logically entertain that fact, it all makes logical sense (I use the words logically and logic alot). But there's no logic whatsoever in the JWs way of thinking. I made about half a dozen friends in my two years of study and attending meetings about 1-2x per month. I considered my study conductor one of my best friends... why wouldn't I? We talked daily, we worked out, we studied... we were friends for two years before study began...

    Having been "almost in" for only two years does not make losing people any easier... I think about it daily, and the only saving grace is that I found out in two short years versus the lifetime that many posters have dealt with or are dealing with...

    They are outright liars... when I tell myself that, I feel better. And, they must lie to themselves, convincing themselves that they are better off without my friendship... it makes no sense... but, every day is a bit better... I think of going to a meeting every now and then to see these people who I thought were important in my life, but then my logic convinces me that it's not the right think to do.

    My JW freinds and especially my study conductor/friend has made their choice and feelings very clear. It saddens me that they have done this to me. Now, the healthiest thing for me to do is drop this. If I continue to think about it, it will only bring me more heartache. If I did go to the Hall and my "friend" responds to me in a positive way, I will be right back where I was. I will never know if his re-acceptance of me was for friendship or personnal advancement for him within the WT ranks.

    I know that I have other friends and family members (that I almost lost) that love me and value our friendships, and I don't want to agonize over this anymore. For my own health and well being, I am letting go and cutting my ties. As far as I am concerned, it there is any loss here, it is his loss and up to him to repair.

    I am trying very hard to look forward to new opportunities and new friends and stick with the ones that have stuck by me.


  • GoddessRachel

    Of course it might be not completely fair for me to say this, but I cannot help but wonder what kind of marriage it is if you have to lie to your wife. I would not consider that a happy marriage.

    I know people have to lie to keep the peace when it comes to JW stuff, but it sounds like, based on some of the other posters, that you have already told your wife how you feel.

    Sure, she will be sad, but I would think the both of you will be much sadder if you continue to live a lie. I would think if it were me, I would want to know how my husband truly feels.

    Unless she is a super crappy wife (sorry to say that but if you do not care about the feelings of your husband then you are a crappy wife).

    In which case why would you want to preserve that relationship?

    I started all over and my current family, my real family, is totally different from my original family. It was the scariest thing I did to put my trust in new people when I was so deeply betrayed by the people who I believed would always be there for me. But the blessings have been tremendous and ongoing. It is so totally worth it, in the end.

    In addition, I have an excellent relationship with my sister, who has also left; a pretty good one with my brother, who is disfellowshipped (I am faded and my sister never got baptized). I have another sister who basically shuns me though time has gone a long way to heal the bad feelings between us, in addition to my apologizing for having hurt her (the key words were "I am sorry I have hurt you," NOT "I am sorry I did something wrong." Because I did not do anything wrong, and we here who know the truth about The Truth know that!). I can call her and she will talk to me. She never calls me. But I am basically accepting of that, except for an occasional bad time or day about it here and there. I just have my cry and move on with the acceptance thing. It is human nature to miss the ones you love, but if you have to be someone you are not simply to get their love than it is simply not worth it, in my opinion.

    My mom and dad hardly call me - we live very far away from each other and I visit them about once a year but they do not visit me. They said they will visit me when I get married (though they will not be at the wedding). I can call them whenever I want though it is better if I do not call more than once a week.

    Waffles, I know how you feel. It has been three years for me and I am finally seeing the light on the other side of the tunnel. You can get to a much better place. The only life worth living is an authentic one!

    Oompa, be strong, be a man. You can do this.


  • LouBelle

    I agree with jamiebowers. Live your damn life. You've got to accept that there is nothing you can do to force your wife to leave or your jw friends to accept you - you know that is how it is - ACCEPT IT for what it is and MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH IT.

    You've been indulging in so much drama and oh woe is me shit now for a good few months. Time to get real Ooomps. Time to stop the drama and shit and live your life man. You are out and you should be damn happy that you made it - I understand you want the rest of your family to join you but they won't unless they see it for themselves. So get to living your life outside the Jdubs.

    really now.....don't you get sick and tired of the drama?

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