I was technically in, but inactive and completely dissillusioned. I knew something was wrong but couldn't come to grips with the controlled feelings and the info I was starting to see on the Internet.
I purposely avoided anything that smacked of "apostacy", still being in the mindset of a JW...but I wanted to see other outside info about the Bible and prophecies. As I searched for non-apostate or non-JW related sites, I kept stumbling on JWD and other sites like Freeminds. I'd click and then leave in a hurry, actually afraid of being on an "apostate" site.
But on every subject I searched on, I kept finding hits to JWD, freeminds and a couple of others. It started to dawn on me that maybe people on these sites had the same questions I did. That's when I started lurking, reading. Boy was it eye opening. Most everything I was learning was already dissected and discussed in depth here. Most of the uneasiness I had about certain teachings and practices were covered in depth at Freeminds.
But still I lurked, just reading. When I finally got up the nerve to post, I was still in a quandry... I knew that there was something wrong with the WT organization but I was having a hard time coming to terms with if the bOrg was purposely misleading us or if they believed it themselves. I'm not sure now, why that was such a dilema for me at the time. I think maybe I could justify their zealousness if I thought maybe they really believed what they were shoveling.
My joining here is closely timed with about the time I quit going to meetings, except for the occaisional Sunday meeting and Sunday assembly. It wasn't even a year before I quit going altogether, except for Memorials.
My first post got a pretty good response, but because I was so unlearned about the real issues with the WT scandals, some of my questions actually prompted a couple of people to call me a troll, but others came to my defense and encouraged me to keep researching and learning.
When I go back and read that first post, I'm little surprised how just naive I was about the whole thing. It really is amazing just how controlled JWs can be. That's why I'm of the opinion that the WT organization is a cult. I was convinced that looking at an apostate site would lead to demon trouble and was scared. I figured that somehow Jehovah would let the elders know. Over time, I realized how my thinking and feelings were controlled by the Society. I was basically at their beck and call for years. Learning that you weren't really using your full mental capabilities and reasoning while in is a little scary and unnerving. The longer I'm out, the more I learn, the more I'm convinced it's a cult.
