I want to thank you all for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and trying to make sure I'm doing things right as much as possible. Amongst many different paths of thought that have crossed my mind is that #1 - I want to do what Jehovah wants me to do. And since he is the Happy God, then I must feel happiness in what I'm doing. #2 - Satan's taunt was that we would only serve God/Jehovah as long as things were going easy for us or we got what we wanted, etc. I must admit, that when you do get a few nice blessings, it makes it easier to yield to "commands that aren't burdensome."
I've scrutinized myself over and over to make sure that I'm not wanting to take what the Bible says and twist it around so that it feels to good to me. There may be parts that sting the soul a bit when I realize that I've been doing something wrong and so I can and do make adjustments.
I've come to the conclusion that there is way too much dwelling on when the end will come. The fervor to go preach and warn people is at an all-time high - maybe it's close and maybe it isn't but that isn't the point. People have basic needs and Jehovah programmed some basic things into all humans that you need in order to feel happy. If you forsake those needs and basic desires, I don't care what you do, you will feel unhappy and no amount of worship will bring that happiness back. It's just a basic human recipe of certain things you need in order to feel happy. I gave up pretty much everything for the truth. I gave up an education (though part of me didn't want it anyway since the "end" was so close and I was gonna die anyway), gave up (love) finding a mate because all that is out here is elderly widows and mentally ill teens, and I've given up hobbies for the sake of the truth. Surprise, surprise - I've been miserable, suicidal, and on anti-depressants.
What did I do? I started over. I quit service, I quit the TMS, and I don't even put any money in the box. I'm keeping an open mind, making sure to not to conform the bible's teachings to what I want to hear but what I need to hear. It all starts making sense and here is what I've come up with.
1) There is no amount of preaching work, talks, bible study, prayer, elder visits, etc. that will make you happy. It's the putting into practice in YOUR REGULAR DAY TO DAY NON-WORSHIPING PART OF LIFE that makes you happy. (and then you kind of do worship that way too whether you realize it or not - it's a non-formal sort of way)
2) You've got to go out and live your life as best as you can through Bible standards. If you put these standards into practice, you'll see just how smoothly things go and you start being successful as is possible in this system. (and yes, we are in Satan's system but part of his sharade I think, is to make you think some things are bad when in fact they are really good/necessary. You, trying to be Christian, avoid certain things (love, sustenance, food, clothing, a little spending money, etc.), become miserable, and then you kill yourself, leave your faith, lose your faith, etc. - kind of almost like a spiritual calling-your-bluff) Next thing you know, you're quitting the truth or whatever your religion to have the freedom to do the basic things you need in order to be happy. The reality was though, those things were never wrong in the first place but lots of misinformation, religious zealots, fear-mongering, etc. make you think they were wrong.) If we are to be content with food, shelter, and clothing - then you're gonna need a wife to help make the food, you need a job to pay for the house and clothes, etc.) and believe it or not, having a good paying job doesn't mean you love money and are wicked. If you are dedicated to making tons of money and nothing else, then you're just sad, but in this system - having money helps and of course it's okay to have a lots of money as long as you hate it. ;) (LOVE of money is the root of all sorts of injurious things.)
The end result for me has been the following:
1) I'm enrolling in a 2 week trade school in a few months that will better my income. I'm not doing this because I love money and want a mansion. I'm doing it so I can provide for myself and my wife to be.
2) I'm getting married in about a year to a wonderful lady who sees things the way I do.
3) My fiance and I have recently gotten some property and when I'm out there working on it - listening to the birds, the peace, tranquility, it's then that I start having these deep feelings of love and thankfulness to Jehovah for what he's done for us and just how awesome it is to be alive.
4) At this point, I'm starting to feel like I want to talk to people and share this wonderful life of mine. I don't get caught up in the "I'm a Jehovah's Witness." I'm a fellow human being is all I am. The Bible says Jehovah created things and that no bad comes from him. All the bad comes from Satan.
5) And now I actually feel good when I pray and *GASP* I want to pray. I admit I'm a sinner, thank Jehovah for sending his son down here to give me a chance, apologize for my mistakes and bad habits, and just do the best I can.
6) I'm no longer worried and focused on when the end will come. I'm just simply trying to live a balanced life and focusing on being more loving, more human, and just knowing the Jehovah appreciates my efforts, sees my potential, and knows I'm doing this out of a motivated heart. You just can't simply be giving talks, putting money in a box, and going out preaching if you're doing it just because you're told to and everyone else does it. And if you don't feel motivated to do it, then don't. Just remember, your heart will motivate you to do something, whatever it is, sooner or later.
As I keep working at physical things and my spirituality, I'm getting a nice sense of balance. I analyze information as it's provided and try my best to make sense of it. If I'm wrong on some things, well that's fine because Russell was out chasing pyramids at one point and evidently he was someone acceptible to Jehovah. Heck, even some of the people that were guilty for killing Jesus later repented and were accepted. I don't feel a big desire to be a servant, I don't feel a big need to be giving talks, and I need to be in a pleasant, non-confrontational atmosphere when I talk to people about religion. I'm just a human being, who wants to enjoy a simple life, and try his best to live it by Bible standards. The worst thing anyone could ever do is drive themselves into a depressive, mentally-ill fervor out preaching to people and trying to get them to listen to you (while thinking this is how you get into the new world/paradise - it's nothing you can earn - it's a gift from undeserved kindness.) Do you honestly think they are going to take you seriously and even WANT to serve Jehovah, knowing they will end up like that? Not all of them do but a fair few do. This whole mess on the earth isn't my fault. I know whose fault it is, I know whose fault it isn't, and so I'll just be pro-active, do what I need to do to feel good about myself and my life, and to heck with the rest of them. Between my lady and I, that's the view we take. We view life as us, our families, maybe a friend or 2, and Jesus and Jehovah and that's it. We don't socialize hardly at all because it causes problems, therefore we have nothing to be tempted to gossip about, we don't fancy joining an elite door-to-door club or telephone and letter writing witnessing club, we just enjoy our lives, and let the smiles and contentment in our lives open the door for us to talk to others. And we do. And people listen. In the end, all people will simply answer for their actions.
sign me silent
