I never, ever thought I would ever be posting on a board such as this but here I am. I've been reading the boards for several months and despite my initial conscience twinges, I couldn't help but follow a logical thought process on many issues that were causing me grief. Over this past week, due to the things I've read on here, I've had a MASSIVE cloud lift from me and I'm starting to feel joy and love in my heart that I've *NEVER* felt before. I thought by reading these boards I was at risk of becoming 'apostate' and all the hooplah you're led to believe. I've actually found the *EXACT* opposite to be true. I feel more love for Jehovah than I ever have before and actually feel human!!! Let me elaborate...
I was born a Witness back in the early 70s. Growing up a dub sucked. All the meetings, the repetition, the boredom, and the big killer for me was service. To this day, I still want to vomit when I go out . Mom used to send us out in service with the friends if we misbehaved so we tried hard to be good so we could stay home and watch cartoons. ;) I pretty much went inactive in the late 90s, quit going to meetings, and had the best time of my life but after 6 years, I was starting to tire of a pointless existance. I never drank, never smoked, and never had sex and that was after "running with the world" for 6 years. I hung out with pot smokers, fornicators, and you-name-its and I never felt like I had to do what those people did. I was just enjoying my freedom (sound familiar?) I don't want to tell specifically what I did those 6 years but it involved fixing up old classic vehicles and touring the United States. I camped out about every 2 weeks, took a big old roadtrip from the Midwest to California and back, and just had a wonderful time. But if I didn't keep busy, the fear of Armageddon would creep in and I basically ran from that thought ever since the early 80s. Those illustrations of Armageddon should *NOT* be shown to young kids. It really messed me up. When I was in the 4th grade, I remember sitting at the KH and listening to a talk, and sudden fear hit me that I couldn't ride into the new world on my parents shirt-tails. I was seized with fear and madness. I soon had fears on a windy day because I thought the wind was the start of Armageddon and I would fake sick in school at recess so I could go into the nurse's office away from the outdoors. I started getting ulcers and severe heartburn in the 5th grade and finally one day I just told myself that Armageddon wouldn't come until later and so I could just quit thinking about it. Looking back, it is horrid to think that an elementary student was stricken with this kind of fear. I used to count down the years from 1914 and keeping in mind the 70 to 80 years generation thing. Quite honestly, I didn't think I'd live to be the 38 years old I am now.
And this was my life.
Running away from Armageddon, trying to rationalize away my fears, and doing everything in my power to try not to think about it. I remember as a young lad in school, there was a poor little boy who lived across the alley from my Grandma. Even at that young age with my Armageddon fears, I remember asking my mom (while I cried) if Jehovah would kill that little boy at Armageddon. She said, "Probably if he doesn't accept the truth." I just cried, and cried, and cried for that little boy. Alex is his name and he's married today and has a couple of kids. He runs a lawn care business and to this day, even though he's a grown man, I still treat him with kindness because of how I felt back then. He is a customer of mine and of course he doesn't know this story but when I see him, this is the memory I get.
When the understanding of generation changed in 1995, it was a huge relief for me but I still felt unsettled inside. I was a very bitter and angry person. I could always win an argument and people would leave me alone. I never lost an argument. I swore, told dirty jokes, and went as far I could allow myself to go and still that damn fear of Armageddon that I had as a child would not leave. Well then in the middle of my life, September of 2001 one hit and my entire world fell apart. I felt that Armageddon had started because I was always looking behind my back for a trigger. I laid in bed and trembled fearing I was going to die. I've dealt with PTSD symptoms for years afterwards. I followed world events closely and really my entire life was consumed with the Armageddon fear. I never married, never dated because in all seriousness, who would want someone like me who didn't celebrate holidays, didn't drink, didn't smoke, and all kinds of self-set rules about things? It would have sucked to live with a guy like me. But I fell apart and had a nervous breakdown. I lost my supervisory position where I work and they gave it to a guy fresh out of prison on a Meth charge. I had to take off a month from work and thus started my 8 year ride of depression, suicidal thoughts, and the lowest self-esteem and lack of self-worth anyone could ever possibly imagine. I planned my suicide, daydreamed about jumping off of buildings, and I even went shopping for a gun at Walmart but I couldn't buy one because I was too cheap and frugal. The pain was horrid and I prayed for relief, tried to force myself into Bible reading and all it did was make it worse. I wanted to die. As a matter of fact, as recently as last fall, I was able to get a handgun permit because I have a squeaky clean record. I went shopping for a handgun but they cost even more. Throughout all of this, the previous year and a half, I actually found a sister online and was seeing her. She knew of my problems and still stuck by my side - bless her heart. Anyway, I've been on celexa, paxil, and a third med I can't even remember. Things were so bad, I'd get panic attacks at the Kingdom Hall. I still have my bottle of lorazepam (sedative) that I would have to take before I went to the meetings. I've been to counselors and a psychiatrist and nobody could help me. All of this because of the fear of Armageddon and how the truth was presented to me growing up. So as you can see, I've really been run through the mill and it is because of my religion that caused it.
As the meds wore off, all these feelings came bubbling out and I wrote a big old letter to a local elder who is a really nice warm fella. For the first time in my life, I really let loose and gave him hell. I swore, cussed, told him what I thought of the idiotic friends here, what I thought of the whole shebang, and what I thought of the truth. I also told him how the truth was such a negative impact on my life and how I only got baptized and went in service out of fear and not out of love. After I told him the whole thing he paused and simply said, "Take time off, think things over, and see how you feel."
And that was that and that's exactly what I've been doing.
So here we are in 2009. No Armageddon yet, a lot of the elderly ones are dying off, I've lost my first relative who was an elder, and I'm poised to get married to the same sister referenced above. And I'm feeling calmer and more loving than ever before and here is why.
I'm really thrilled and glad to know the "dirt" on the Witnesses. The facts about Russell and his pyramid infatuation was an eye-opener. The stories about how organ transplants were viewed as cannibalism. My own reservations about Acts 15:28, 29 and how the "and" clause was used regarding blood and things sacrificed to idols. I can understand how pouring blood out on the ground shows respect to Jehovah for the lost life of an animal but when it comes to human life, it is life itself is more sacred than any organ or part of a body. It's your motive behind what you do that determines just how Christian you are. I realize there are those on these forums that hate Jehovah, are athiest, who are jaded, hate the Witnesses, etc and I totally understand how you come up with those conclusions...I really do. I feel for the fella who lost one of his parents 2 weeks before the understanding was changed about organ transplants. But you know what? The common thread I see in all these cases is that when you blindly follow what the GB or any man says, you only set yourself up for failure and resentment. And if you blindly follow anyone, this is what will happen. It's only been this past week of reading these boards that I *finally* understand my place in life. I understand just how precious free will is. I understand that I can read the Bible, do the research not just with dub pubs, but with other sources to make sure I come up with the closest thing to truth because let's face it, nobody on this earth today knows absolute truth - you can try to get close though. I understand that it is *MY* resposibility to analyze, discern, and to come to conclusions on Biblical truth to the absolute best of my ability. If Jehovah used imperfect men to write the Bible and he is using imperfect men on the GB then one of 3 conditions has to exist. Either the Bible has errors because the spirit directed GB has made errors (I wish when 'new light' comes forward - they wouldn't say "new understanding." I wished they simply apologize for the error and say they made a mistake. Maybe they do but I don't care because I've taken responsibility for my life and I'll answer for my errors when the time comes.) or the Bible is infallible and the GB is not spirit directed, or the whole thing is a smoke and mirrors sham. (I must say that I can't discredit the entire Bible - there is too much stuff in that is real to make me think otherwise.)
I personally don't believe the Witnesses are a cult but there is a lot of crap going on in the organization that in effect, makes it a cult or a hair-width away from one. Jehovah's instructions are the only thing that isn't infallible and so if he's willing to accept the worship from those who make the most stupidist mistakes, dumbest moves, and mindless decisions (many dubs) then I find him to more than fair on issues. I think the 'truth' is really the closest thing to the truth on this earth, however I am disturbed with the devotion people have to the GB. If the GB make errors (which they have proven they do), then it behooves you to at least look at what they have to say, and then DECIDE FOR YOURSELF what would be the best move. To forbid people to look at apostate sites or have a look around is wrong. You only create questions in the minds of people. People should be encouraged to examine their beliefs and proceed accordingly and if some leave the truth because of it, then it's their decision. As individuals, they will answer for their decision - they just better have a clean and clear motive for what they did and are ready to explain their actions to God when that time comes. If you hate the Bible and are looking for that excuse, you'll find it. My motive for investigation is that I suspected something was wrong and I didn't feel right inside. I will listen to what others (even the GB) has to say but in the end, I will decide for myself what I will believe...making sure to invoke a form of checks-and-balances so that I feel I'm following what Jehovah wants and not what some group of men living isolated from the real world want. I'm devoted to Jehovah and not to men...period. I find that with this mindset, my depression has melted away, I feel freer than ever before, I don't fear Armageddon anymore, I feel loving, feel human, and feel so much better. My future wife agrees with me on all of this and I finally understand the role of religion in my life. I respect all of you who are athiests or choose to go some other path. I won't always agree with it, but I respect your decision because it's really not my place to judge you.
Another thought I've had is that we are physical beings and are meant to be interacted with according to our physical senses. Right now, our appreciation for the spiritual realm is based on imagination. We have to read about it, think about it, contemplate it, etc. That's why it is so hard to be a Christian and that's exactly what the devil's charge is...that man would only serve God/Jehovah as long as things went his way and things went well...physical manifestations of Jehovah's presence if you will. So the way I figure it, as part of the ethical agreement between Satan and Jehovah, Jehovah just has taken a step back and said, "There ya go - have at it." And of course to have people still trying to do what Jehovah wants (and Jehovah knowing we would fail at it anyway and sent Jesus down here to cover for us) just gets Satan pissed because people are doing it based off of reading a book and nothing else. Satan has all the physical stuff to use to his full advantage and yet people still choose ways of life that work out better for them based upon nothing more than their knowledge of what else is out there, namely the Bible and what it teaches. But it sucks that people like us who are deep thinkers, have to suffer the brunt of a bunch of blithering, Bible thumping idiots, who can't think for themselves. Most Witnesses I've met are that way.
It feels good to get this stuff of my chest and share it with those who understand. I'm glad that others see the door-to-door regimen as a man-made created task that really is a straining at the gnat and gulping the came. If you have a natural love for something, you will want to talk about it, and not have to be forced and fear-mongered into it. Understanding that Jehovah is an organized God, it would stand to reason that he would want to have some kind of organization on this earth. If not, then why would there be criteria for those fit to serve (which the large majority of elders are NOT fit to serve - they just kiss ass and get their position and once again...what is their motive?) Why would congregations be mentioned in the Bible if that wasn't a fitting way to worship? Really then, what good does it do to fear monger people into service and meeting attendance when what you should be concentrating on is developing love and and kindness so that people want to be there, want to be with each other, want to be friends with those who believe like they do? That's how it used to be. Dubs miss the entire point of Armageddon. Instead of concentrating on dates, false prophecies, and concentrating so much on "the end is so close," they need to stress how to live, love, forgive, show mercy, show kindness and not use field circus, positions in the congregation, and meeting attendance as a criteria/basis to judge your spirituality and subsequently whether you qualify to be associated with or not. I ran for 6 years with people of questionable background and I never did what they did. I actually resisted it because I didn't want to live like them but still enjoyed visiting them for what knowledge they had of old cars and so forth. Anyway, Jehovah's war is with the governments, nations, and those who know of his ways and yet blatantly disregard them to his face. I strongly suspect we will see spirit beings materalize after Armageddon. As humans, we really need to be interacted with physically by representatives from the spirit realm for all this Bible talk to really have an effect on people. If people still blatantly go against it and murder, cheat, steal and just do bad things, then yeah - they need punishment by whatever means God sees fit. Of course this is all based on my belief that Jehovah is real. For those of you who don't, then my post won't make any sense anyway. :)
So thanks to all of those of you who are considered apostates, those who are considered on the fringe, those who have been stumbled, jaded, DF'd, DA'd, or whatever. Knowing what you've gone through has made me think more, contemplate more, and helped me to see that my devotion is not to an organization (which should only exist as a helper and guide - nothing more) but rather, to Jehovah (via Jesus at this time). Now I feel free to finally go out and get that education that was forbidden to me in the late 80s and early 90s. I feel free to do things in my life - both of a religious and non-religious nature - because in so doing, I will start to cultivate a deep-seated sense of thanks and appreciation for Jehovah who created us in the first place. That's what life is all about.
sign me silent