You are asking us for answers to questions that you should be answering yourself. Only you know what you need and only you can give yourself what you need. You do not need our permission to retun to the KH. If you want to return, then go. We wish you well.
Going Back
by rathfear 29 Replies latest jw experiences
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Mum
Hi, rathfear. You sound like you are experiencing insecurity and social anxiety. Your reasons for wanting to return are not good ones. However, if you do return, you could learn your lesson and finally make a clean, permanent break next time around.
Many people who have been victims of violence and all kinds of abuse still care deeply about those who hurt them. It's a strange perversity of human nature, a need to feel needed and useful to someone else. Many former cult members have difficulty making a clean break and have strong feelings of wanting to return; that brainwashing is powerful.
Do what you need to do for yourself. Proceed with caution. Get counseling, emotional support, and question every move you consider.
Regards,
SandraC
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rathfear
Well I had a nervous breakdown a few months ago and said and did some stuff that caused some of my friends to turn on me, leaving me in a very empty lonely spot. In truth I'm not in the best condition to deal with this at the moment. I read crisis of conscience amongst other books years ago and even after that kept pioneering thinking that I could deal with the internal differences I felt. It got to the point where I felt sick during meetings, but I still wanted to belong as outside of the KH I was an outcast thanks mainly to spending my teenage years doing all the theocratic stuff.
Because of some of the stuff that happened recently I have been attending therapy and have alot of issues there as well. In some ways I want to get some of those in, out of the org; wishful thinking I suppose! Couldn't even get my own mother out if I tried, the blinkers that people develop are extremely effective.
I haven't been to any meeting since 18th October 2007, that was a Thursday, I just up and left and that was it. Said nothing to no one, no explanation; so at this point "they" don't really know why I left. After I left I developed somewhat of a social life outside of the org, it has recently been shattered and now I'm left with not much to go on.
On top of that my breakdown was caused by a neurological condition that some people just can't understand. I look "fine" on the outside but inside I'm a mess. I was thinking If I was to go back I would have the same BS to put up with, and in order to be "accepted" I would have to endure an awful lot of nonsense. And because of my current condition which I've been told may never heal I can't handle stress on that level anymore.
As for how much of it I believe, thats an interesting one, I'll go as far to say there might be a god and after that I'm open to anybody proving anything else to me. Stupid mind programming has me kinda messed up in some ways and even the dealing with women is I suppose difficult, that coupled with everything else just makes it all painful.
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OnTheWayOut
My last thoughts on this, then I wish you well.
If you think you caused friends to turn on you, imagine how much moreso you will have to guard what you say around JW's.
You can drive them away even faster than the ones you drove away outside of the JW's.While it is possible to go back in some secret mission to get others out, it is highly ineffective except with the closest of family members. Even there, sooner or later you have to reveal yourself. It is a rough reason to go back. I think you are being dishonest with yourself if you really think that's one of your reasons. Your hinting that you cannot even get your mother out shows that you know it's not a real reason for you.
Besides a few well-meaning calls, how much have the JW's really been trying to be your friend since 18 October 2007?
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rathfear
Right, I ain't going back, but I still feel that I need to "save" my little brothers from the "truth". They're between 9 and 14 and I don't want them to end up in the mire. I feel the key to my family's involvement in the truth is my mother, she's holding all the aces. I'm not sure the best way to go about that. I have mentioned some of my reservations to her, shes not going to go running to the elders anyway. Its the hope of the paradise and such that is what is keeping her there from what I can gather.
Thanks for all the advice, I just needed to hear some things to think about. The religion is bunk and is a destructive cult, now I've decided I have to get my family out of it. The problem is that will create a vacuum and what do I fill it with, wanted to do it years ago but didn't have the strength to try; now I feel that I can, I'm just unsure how to go about it.
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AudeSapere
Just a couple of thoughts...
About your friends that 'turned on you'. You didn't give details and we don't need them but I'm wondering if they actually turned against you or just didn't stand by you as you may have wished they would. Could possibly be that while you having a breakdown, they were scared and didn't know how to respond to you so they pulled away a little? Maybe they spoke their minds about something but still were accepting of you but you were not in condition to appreciate the complete picture?
Or maybe they are immature little selfish jerks.
Maybe they did not understand what was happening and were ill-prepared to handle whatever situation occured.
Many emotional breakdowns are caused by our own unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. Clearly something was unbalanced. Lovingly support yourself as you reflect on the matter and work your way back to sanity. Respectively grant the people that 'turned on you' reprieve for either their inexperience, immaturity or indiscretion. You need to take care of yourself and be responsible for your own life and sanity.
And let others be responsible for theirs.
You wrote: "now I've decided I have to get my family out of it." Since you have quite a load to carry in your own heart and head right now, I'd strongly encourage you to set this goal/project on a back burner for now. You need to nurture and attend to your own needs right now. By making it your aim to get them out, you will be neglecting your own legitamate needs. When you meet with resistance from them, they may also pull away from you, thus intensifying your own troublesome issues.
Why not just let them learn the truth about 'the truth' as it comes to them. Go about your life and keep the communication with family based on reality (not cult matters) and find lots of fun things to do with them like hiking, walking, playing cards, backgammon, chess, etc. All neutral things that have absolutely nothing to do with religion.
First things first. Take care of yourself. You can't give what you don't have. Find a better and more-fulfulling life for yourself. That in and of itself may help your siblings see that they, too, can choose which life they want to live.
Best of luck as you navigate your way to the next phase of your life.
-Aude Sapere (meaning: Dare to Know; Dare to Have Wisdom/Understanding; Dare to Think for Yourself)
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Chalam
Hi rathfear,
I read crisis of conscience amongst other books years ago and even after that kept pioneering thinking that I could deal with the internal differences I felt.
Trust your gut instinct I say :)
It got to the point where I felt sick during meetings, but I still wanted to belong as outside of the KH I was an outcast thanks mainly to spending my teenage years doing all the theocratic stuff.
Is that physically sick? If so, I can't say I am surprised. Either way, check this verse out
Proverbs 26:11 (New International Version)
11 As a dog returns to its vomit,
so a fool repeats his folly.So take the tip, it tells you wisdom is not to return to something that makes you sick.
My own belief is that there is hope but you won't find Him in the kingdom halls John 14:6
All the best,
Stephen
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drew sagan
It seems as if you have compartmentalized the differant aspects of the Watchtower world so that to you there actually is a distinction between the aspects of the organization that are incorrect and function poorly in comparison to other aspects you seem to idealize.
I shared some of the feelings you have during the begninning of my exit from the Watcthower. I think that you basically have not fully recovered from being inside that group. You are letting its unrealistic ideals continue to influence your behavior. Additinally, you are judging all the relationships you have with people now by the standards set by a religion you thought you left!
For a long time after leaving the Watchtower I continued to actually believe in one way or another some of their ideals where actually genuine. Eventually I began to see it differantly. Because the organization takes away so much freedom from it's members I began to realize that all of it's rhetoric was suspect. How can people be truely unified when then will be severly punished if they do not conform? At the end of the day it's forced behavior.
On top of that my breakdown was caused by a neurological condition that some people just can't understand. I look "fine" on the outside but inside I'm a mess. I was thinking If I was to go back I would have the same BS to put up with, and in order to be "accepted" I would have to endure an awful lot of nonsense. And because of my current condition which I've been told may never heal I can't handle stress on that level anymore.
Every once and a while I get to wondering "what if....". What if I had actually done things differantly, could I have possibly made being a JW work? While it may be a possibility you let pass through your mind every once and a while I think the reality of the situation demands that a person think long and hard about what exactly they are getting in to. Your comments suggest that going back is not something you think will benefit you. I do however understand how you would get the feeling that doing something like going back to the meetings could benefit you.
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Colton
The Watchtower is quick to snap off a broken reed and snuff out a smoldering wick.