How Do I Discover Myself And Build My Self-Esteem After Realizing The Truth About 'the truth'?

by african GB Member 19 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  HintOfLime

  To original poster:

  I'd suggest doing a lot of personal research. After having a lot of weird dreams (stuck in kingdom halls with no doors out, that sort of thing.. lol), I spent about 5 years of indpendent research into the bible, other religions, and science/evolution. Durring this time, my attendance at meetings was simply 'enough' to keep people off my back, until I quit going entirely. I was fortunate in that my wife at the time and another good friend also had serious disagreement with the watchtower.

  While it's still painful that my family rarely talks to me, I have nothing but confidence in my decision. When former friends or family do critize my decision and try to 'demonize' me, I am quite able to defend my position.

  I remember the last time I was dragged into taking my mom to meeting because "nobody else could" (and my parents no-doubt thought it'd be good for me). Frankly, it was weird watching from what had become the "outside". I didn't even dress up. People were singing the same old songs in a monotone, raising their hands to repeat what was just read.. even the prayers struck me as weird.

  - Lime
• 

  moshe

  Thank your lucky stars you aren't asking how you can rebuild your life after learning the truth about Bernie Madoff and the loss of all your savings.

  Just stop worrying about spiritual stuff for awhile and get busy with living life again. Good luck.
• 

  Mrs. Fiorini

  Welcome Lime.

  I've often wondered what it would be like going back to the KH now that I know it's a cult.
• 

  Heaven

  AGBM... thank you for asking this question. I suggest you start with creating your Personal Mission Statement. There is plenty of info on the Internet so just Google 'Personal Mission Statement'. The statement should be simple and to the point but outline things like your values and what you wish to accomplish in life.

  Here is one to give you an example:

  Gandhi’s Personal Mission Statement

  'Let the first act of every morning be to make the following resolve for the day:
  I shall not fear anyone on earth.
  I shall fear only God.
  I shall not bear ill toward anyone.
  I shall not submit to injustice from anyone.
  I shall conquer untruth by truth.
  And in resisting untruth, I shall put up with all suffering'
  * Mahatma Gandhi.

  Gandhi's mission statement clearly highlights his beliefs and who he was as an individual. It had a specified time frame and undoubtedly states actions that he was willing to take to change the course of his life and the lives of others.

  Gandhi's personal statement addressed three of the most important points required to write a career or personal mission statement.

  • Purpose
  • Values
  • Actions

  Gandhi's mission statement not only changed his life and the lives of everybody that met him, it propelled him into the history books.

  To the Moderators: I haven't been here long but I get a sense that what is required here are some Mentors for people like AGBM. If we truly wish to help people free themselves, I think a Mentoring Program is in order. We have formal and informal programs at work. For example, the informal program is put into practice when a new person joins the company or moves to a new department. An experienced 'Buddy' is assigned to help show the person the ropes, explain how things are done, train the person in their job, and help them get the resources they need to succeed.

  Comments? ...... Heaven
• 

  Mrs. Fiorini

  Heaven,

  Very interesting idea. I would love to see it explored more. And I'm happy to participate.

  Mrs. F
• 

  Nathan Natas

  Self-esteen is built by accomplishing goals and positive self-talk.

  A person wishing to change can read:

  The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

  and

  What to Say When you Talk To Yourself by Shad Helmstetter.

  You have years of negative programming, Dub memes and negative engrams to overcome, but you can do it.
• 

  yknot

  The WTS doesn't own exclusive property rights to Jehovah....... they just claim they do.

  So if you are still a Xian, you turn to Jesus. Jesus according to the Bible is the only way to God (Jehovah).

  If you are in a period of internal influx away from Xianity, you focus on you and what makes you balanced.

  I still go, I fake or slack 100% of my service hours, make comments (I mean come-on it is just recitation of a sentence or two!) but don't have the pressure to 'reach-out' due to my double XX chromosomes.

  The WTS got lost in its own storyline a long time ago (Read the FM and other books from the Rutherford-Knorr era).

  If you want spiritual truth, seek it....if you want someone to hold your hand and tell you which direction to take then you need a swift kick in the rear for laziness and to sit down with CoC and ISoCF asap!

  Beyond that do things that build confidence like maintaining a health lifestyle and increasing education. Volunteer your time, make new friends, travel, go on a date (if you are not already attached) and start experiencing life beyond the burdenous yoke of the WTS routine.

  Come to the forums and discuss matters, explore your inner self and new found curiosities.

  Believe it or not most 'postates' are far more encouraging then R&F brainwashed.

  Seek balance and mental health.
• 

  rebel8

  Re-examine all your beliefs about yourself and the world around you. Not an easy task, but that's how to fix your negative self-talk. Most of the assumptions we lived with were conveyed by brainwashers.
• 

  jgnat

  There's lots of great ideas here.

  • showering naked
  • a personal mission statement
  • positive self-talk
  • re-examination of your beliefs

  The books mentioned sound good, too. Might I also suggest The Resilient Self: How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise Above Adversity by Steven J. Wolin and Sybil Wolin.

  As the wife of an active JW member, I can give some tips on retaining your individuality and sense of self when attending meetings. The book mentions seven strengths survivors may cultivate in different ways.

  • Insight
  • Independence
  • Relationships
  • Initiative
  • Creativity
  • Humor
  • Morality

  How does this apply to the exiting JW or someone like me, the partner of a JW?

  • Insight - early on I studied the watchtower articles for signs of manipulative language. I also search out signs of manipulative body language and behavior at the hall. I found lots of examples. I asked myself how this was deceptive and steeled myself to respond to it. One of the most bothersome behaviors (for me) is the false intimacy that pioneer ladies try to foist on me. I am petted on the shoulder from behind (I am sure with a silent prayer attached). I am asked probing questions about my career and religious beliefs. They break personal privacy and space boundaries all the time. Such behavior might work on the lonely and vulnerable, but I just find it invasive and creepy. I now counteract this behavior by remaining standing until the meeting starts, and by responding to questions with questions.
  • Independence - I am big on this one. Early on I negotiated with my hubby that it's my choice when I go and when I don't. I am not obliged to attend just because it will make him look better at the hall. I do attend the Memorials because of the great pleasure it gives my husband. I exert my independence also by bringing along a blank notebook and my own bible. He has nervously begged me to no longer bring along puzzles, which I have complied with. This past memorial I wrote copious notes on all the human behavior in the hall. How many babies cried and were shushed. Who saved excessive seats. How many times the flower arrangement was adjusted on the table.
  • Relationships - cultivate new ones. Stop and talk to the neighbours. Find an excuse to help an elderly householder nearby. Look for ovetures for friendships amongst the "worldly", and respond to them. Having a network of genuine friends helps make the final break that much easier.
  • Initiative - JW's are very passive. They are given direction every week on what to think and do. You have an opportunity to take the initiative on what the rest of your life will look like. Pick a subject you are interested in and take a book out from the library. Start a hobby. Open up a personal bank account that your family doesn't know about. That small account can represent independence and freedom. If your family is signalling that they need a break from the meetings, give them permission to do so. Suggest alternative activities and when they are wracked with guilt, assure them that Jehovah will forgive them. Let yourself be a symbol of freedom from within. Delicately of course.
  • Creativity and Humor - again, that blank notebook comes in handy. I've written entire project plans at the conventions, cartoons, presentations, and so on. Hubby asked me for something positive to say about this year's memorial that he could feed back to the brothers and sisters. I said, "It was exactly like last year's." That did not satisfy him. He said, "That's what you tell me (he acknowleges my ascerbic wit but knows very well it will go over like a lead balloon at the hall), what else can you say?" I told him, "The flower arrangement was very nice." See? I won't give them what they want to hear. What I do say says volumes though, don't you think? With humor, I turn the pompous ceremony on it's ear.
  • Morality - You can see this exiting process as an opportunity to recognize and value your own sense of morality. Instead of judging people on their meeting attendance, study, and field service, ask yourself what is of true value? From the injustices witnessed at the hall, what are you learning about what is truly good?
• 

  Witness 007

  Lots of booze!!