by Sofia Lose 28 Replies latest jw experiences
Am I alone in this feeling? I wish I could muster the cojones needed to tell my husband "I want a divorce, move away, not be a JW anymore!"
I find myself screaming these same words over and loud inside my mind, several times a day, and yet on the outside my actions could not be more opposed to these inner feelings.
Sometimes I worry that this internal conflict will cause me to go crazy.
Please tell me your experiences just to reassure me that I am not alone in feeling this way.
SL
You are not going crazy - although your thoughts may tell you that you are. You are realizing in a powerful way that you want to (finally) do something about your predicament. This is the very time you need to slow things down and reassure yourself that, as distressed as you feel, there is no urgency to act on your urges. In fact, moving away from the urgency mentality of the Witnesses is key to calmly working out what you may need to do at some stage. I liken it to an "in-the-meantime" phase in which you acknowledge there is likely a helpful solution to your predicament, but not likely in the short term.
Remember, it is easier to express your frustration and hurt, but more difficult to come up with solutions that will help you address that frusftration and hurt over the mid- to longer term. Keep posting here; you will find lots of others know what it is like to be in a predicament such as yours. Best!
I think it is normal for anyone to want to run away from their life at one point or another. It would be abnormal if you didn't feel that way. There is good and bad with everything and in every relationship. The question is: what are you going to do when there is more bad than good?
That is something only you can answer, because only you know your situation 100 percent.
Good luck. I really feel for you.
I can confirm you are not alone. It was at its worst for me when i was an elder and faking it. Once i got out of that it felt much better, like i took a step in the right direction.
I would also point out that wanting a divorce and wanting out of the cult are two seperate issues. perhaps your major concerns arnt exactly what you think they are.....
I was scared to death. I knew I didn't want to be a witness anymore, but my husband was a believer and my kids. I was so scared that if I left, my kids wouldn't be able to talk to me anymore if they got baptized, and my husband would bring them to meetings. I thought we might get a divorce over it. To me they weren't separate issues. It was an extremely frustrating time. I didn't even come to places like this yet, so you are ahead of me there. I just internalized everything and wanted to scream at meetings etc.
thank god, I gradually was able to get my husband to at least feel neutral about the issue. Some other family circumstances helped, with their timing, to distract him. His mind faded away from the witnesses. Now he's completely out of it, and the kids too. Our family is in tact.
Reading your comments makes me calm down and put things in perspective.
My husband is an awesome fellow and in my heart of hearts I feel I do not deserve him and I will probably never find another one like him. However, being the dedicated respected elder he is, it would be miserable for us both if I were to leave the religion. For one, he would lose all his privies, and I tell you he is hook line and sinker in this org; he is part of the Warwick construction big time, assemblies arrangements, one of the heavies if this region. It would hurt me emotionally to know that he lost it all because of me, so I continue to gang in there.
I am getting older, though, and this faking crap is not agreeing with me as of late.
SL
I would also point out that wanting a divorce and wanting out of the cult are two seperate issues. perhaps your major concerns arnt exactly what you think they are.....
_Morpheus is exactly right on this issue. You need to figure out what it is you want/need and go from there. I want out of the cult more than anything, but I could never think of leaving my wife (who is currently hardcore). I want/need her, but I don't want/need the religion. What is it that YOU need/want? From life? From your spouse? Don't confuse getting what you need/want with being selfish.
But back to your original question. Everybody has there faking limits... I myself am doing it right now. Some might call fakers "spineless", "cowards", and things like that. I prefer to think of it as playing it safe and waiting for the right moment; damage control, if you will.
It is very hard sometimes and you can lose your self-identity from time to time. It is weird to not believe a word of the religion, and still be trapped into "giving the full show." And its even harder to question belief in a "god" and be involved in any religion at all.
Some people need to quit cold turkey, and that's fine if that works for them. Others need time to strategize, plan, and organize and exit or a fade. But once the scales fall from your eyes, it will be very hard to fake it whether its for a few days, few months, or a few years.
Don't do anything quickly in the "heat of the moment" without clearly thinking things through. Baby steps are the best way to start, I have found.
Sofia I feel for you!!! You feel like it's high time you started living the way you want to. Life is too short. :(
i hate this religion that divides families like this.
...he might not lose his privileges if you leave the religion and stay with him. I don't think he will. He will however be ashamed of sorts and feel like he has failed as a spiritual head.
Sofia,
Don't let the the craziness of Wally World dictate how you live your life. I understand wanting to support your husband but supporting him because he will lose his "privies" in a cult will only bring you misery and that kind of support always collapses.
I really feel for you!
We are all in a similar situation of sorts, and I find that simply knowing that helps me a great deal.
You are NOT alone. As silly as it sounds, you are united with similar people feeling alone....
The main thing I can share is this:
Keep your dignity in all matters. Be calm and in control, as this will provide you with a greater feeling of self worth, and a leave you in a better position when the time comes for a decisive move.
Also, remind yourself that you are NOT evil, or wrong. You are simply educated and no longer in a mental prison of the witness mindset. This does NOT make you a bad person.
