My father just beat my brother-

by ashitaka 108 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  lauralisa

  Hi Ashi,

  You are unfortunately just forced to be in one of those damned if you do- damned if you don't kind of situations. Adults can make choices as to whether they wish to maintain relationships with people who are criminally deranged, no matter how close the familial tie. (They might not be aware that they have choices, but that's another subject...

  It's a different situation altogether when minor children are involved. There is a "co-conspirator" implication for one who is aware of child abuse and who does not try and intervene. It seems like you are thick in the muck of this irreconcilable type of situation right now. Whatever move you make or don't make, you are going to have to experience a loss or failure of some type. No matter what you do, it will have negative repercussions... now, or later... or both....

  My heart breaks for you and others in your situation. This thread just flipped me out last night and I apologize profusely to anyone (mommy, thinking of you here.. ] who was offended by my crude manners. I have lost two siblings (only two I had) to suicide, and I attribute their excruciating difficulties as adults to the abuse we endured as children.. so so similar to what you describe. If I could go back and change anything..... I'd do it.... I'd kidnap them against their will and live in a freakin cardboard box if necessary, just so they could still be alive to try and recover and have a chance to experience "real" life. I miss them every day. I miss them every single day. Every single day of my life I wonder what if....... Everyday I wish I could go back in time and do something, anything, anything. Anything.

  I hope you are safe, and well, ashi, and am glad to read you may have some comfort here.

  love, lauralisa

  If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off
• 

  Derrick

  You should seek an immediate medical exam for your younger brother. Suppose he is suffering from internal injuries from getting thrown down the stairs? It could lead to later complications that result in his disability or even death. Who knows what other injuries the boy could have sustained out of your sight from similar or greater abuse? Remember that often homeowner's insurance will cover these types of injuries, if you're concerned about lack of medical insurance.

  Seems to me anyone who throws their son down a flight of stairs is mentally ill and a danger to themself and others. Have the boy examined by trained medical experts. It might get your father into serious trouble, but save the boy if he is internally injured, perhaps suffering from ruptured internal organs that may require surgery?

  It horrifies me to think of a child that age, still in their developmental stages, suffering internal injuries that could heal improperly leading to serious complications, disabilities, even sudden death years later. I have known some to turn the matter over the the local body of elders, but IMO you should consider informing the secular authorities (i.e., Social Services) to effect a tangible resolution that will protect your younger brother from future abuse. Just expressing my concerns!

  Derrick

  To see a World in a Grain of Sand
  And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
  Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
  And Eternity in an hour.

  -- William Blake (Auguries of Innocence)
• 

  ashitaka

  My brother says he feels fine, that he has only a bruise. The stairs he was thrown down are thickly carpeted, and he told me he braced himself from falling too hard. He said he didn't hit his head; he said he 'just tumbled'. He said he was half chased, half thrown.

  I have no right to tell him to do something that he doesn't want to do. I'm his brother, not a parent. If he says he's alright, I have to believe it. I WILL document the bruises, and have him sign the photo, saying when and where these injuries were done to him.

  Perhaps this will be the impetus he needs to get help. But, considering the possible consequences for him (see mommy's post), I will let HIM be the judge when enough is enough. I can't force him to do anything.

  My hands are tied.

  ashi
• 

  Naeblis

  I can't agree with you. It's not so simple to leave it in his hands. His mindset can't be normal and what's "fine" to him is not "fine" to people that aren't being knocked around. Right now he's probably thinking if he forgets about it it probably won't happen again, or he'll be more careful next time. What if there isn't chance next time to help him? Sometimes doing the right thing for other people means losing those people. He may be mad at you but he'll be safe. And that's more important. Good luck Ash.
• 

  Andee

  Ashi,

  First off, I am so sorry you have to carry such a heavy burden as this. The pressure, and worry, you feel right now, must be tremendous.

  I know you are trying to do your best under the circumstances.

  No, you don't have a LEGAL right to make your brother do what he doesn't want to do. However, he is ONLY 14. He is still a child and not old enough to judge what is in his best interests. Yes, there is a small chance, taken your Father's past history, that violence won't happen again. Well, YOU seem to know his history well. What do you think will eventually happen? Most likely it will happen again, and perhaps with more serious consequences.

  I know that you don't want to make anyone mad at you. Your Mom and your Brother. What is more important? Your brother's physical safety and maybe his anger at you, or leaving him be with what might happen to him in the future. I just think you should think about that.

  5 years from now, I just hope you don't have any regrets about what action you didn't take.

  I remember when I became an adult, and I realized that many of my Mother's family members knew what a tyrant my Dad was and that he abused my Mom and us kids. I oftened wondered why they did NOTHING but turn the other way and pretend ignorance. I will always remember their inaction.

  I'm sure your brother knows you care about him very much. At least he has that.

  Just because it may be difficult to remove him from the situation, doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

  Are you informed as to what the laws are in your state? Here in cali, an arrest does NOT have to be made in order to remove a kid from a violent home. There only has to be a suspicion of abuse. A child can be removed for 72 hours. Then, there is a court hearing as to whether or not the child will be returned or removed for an indefinite period of time. Make yourself an expert on your states laws in this area.

  Anyway, my thoughts are with you and your brother.

  Andee
• 

  LoneWolf

  Heck, ashitaka, just post your father's name and telephone number here on the board. We'll take care of him for you.

  LoneWolf
• 

  waiting

  Hi Ashi,

  It would seem that your family has made their agreement to remain silent - and keep the abuse "within these 4 walls." It's pretty common, they're working as a unit. My family did the same. The unit is more important than the individual, except for the abuser - he's all important.

  I would guess that your father's mistake was in letting your wife know about the abuse, which brought you into the picture. Now, it appears that you'll both go along with it, for the "good of the family." Perhaps you feel that it has to be that way. It's your family, not ours. Such a young age to have to deal with this filth.

  Before it happens next time, please check out the state laws, talk to social workers, etc. They'll most likely help explain what can be done, but then shrug - because until someone does something, they can't do much.

  Take care.

  waiting
• 

  teejay

  All,

  I subscribe to a site that sends me a quote everyday. Here's what I got at 2:57am today...

  Here's the Quotation for Friday, November 30, 2001

  Dwell upon the brightest parts in every prospect... and strive to
  be pleased with the present circumstances.

  -- Abraham Tucker

  I don't know about you, but it makes me kinda sick when I think about the quote in the context of Ashi's brother. Thought I'd pass it along anwhow. Have a good day, y'all.

  tj
• 

  ashitaka

  I don't think my brother sees it brightly, just in his own version of sad reality. He has been told he can come live with my wife and I at any time-hell we did it with my brother in law last year, I can help my blood brother out this year.

  But, he wants to stay at home. He doesn't want any upheavel. I think he's also afraid for my mother's and sister's future. My father won't pay for my sister's wedding, and my mother is a strong woman, but how much can she take?

  I believe that's his reasoning.

  My father, on the other hand, will probably wont even be talked to for a week. Then the next week, he'll be an asshole again. He's more physically threatening, now, rather than actually violent, than when I was a child-back then it was real, physical violence. I think this was just the beginning of troubles, and that now I have to keep an ear out, and a watchful eye. The next time it happens, I'm going to hog tie the Sonofabitch and toss him on the front lawn for the cops to pick. Then I'll call every friend he ever had. Then I'll call his work. Then I'll call the neighbors. That's legal, and humiliating at the same time.

  Technically, I still don't know about this. My mother and sister made my wife swear she wouldn't tell me-they still don't know I am privy to all of the details.

  I will take my brother out of the house for the weekend, give him something positive to do. We have him over often, so this won't seem out of the ordinary to my father.

  Personally, I am cordial to my father, but only in a very loose way. I don't even shake his hand-I hate being near him. But, never afraid of him. My brother may not be afraid of him, just afraid of change-any kind of change.

  My brother is a gifted mind-he never studies, yet he remains a strait A student. His is more mature for his age than any other 14-15 year old I have known. I trust him to make a decsion on this.

  If I go against his wishes, he would be so angry that he may say that I did it, just to punish me for going against his wishes. Do you guys see my dilemma? I have no other recourse....well, except for taking Lonewolf up on his offer. (BTW, thanks for it).

  ashi
• 

  ashitaka

  Some good news. My brother agreed to turn him in next time it happens. I managed to get him to stay the weekend, and my brother is pissed, still.

  I'm glad. It's going to work out and he's going to be OK.

  ashi