Well I thought it was funny . . . .
Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America :
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not
fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1) You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
2) Then look up "aluminium" and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
3) The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.
A "curb" will rightly be spelled "kerb," -- and no more "Exit" signs; they
will say "Way Out." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
4) Consistently using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
5) July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
6) You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
7) Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will immediately
begin driving on the left side of the street. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
9) The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10) You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11) The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound-for-pound the
greatest sporting Nation on earth, and it can only be due to the beer. They
are also part of the British Commonwealth -- see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12) Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings
and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
cheese grater.
13) You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football -- you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby now -- the South
Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14) Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let
you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15) You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16) An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moneys
due (backdated to 1776).
17) Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers
(never with mugs), with high-quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, and with
strawberries and cream when in season.
God Save the Queen!
...OUTLAW