Message from John Cleese

by Big Tex 30 Replies latest social humour

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex

    Well I thought it was funny . . . .

    Message from John Cleese
    To the citizens of the United States of America :

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for
    President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
    the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
    all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not

    Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
    without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
    disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
    any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
    are introduced with immediate effect:

    1) You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

    2) Then look up "aluminium" and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
    amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    3) The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and
    'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
    half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.
    A "curb" will rightly be spelled "kerb," -- and no more "Exit" signs; they
    will say "Way Out." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
    to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").

    4) Consistently using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such
    as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
    communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft
    know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
    account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

    5) July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    6) You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
    therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
    you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
    adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
    speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    7) Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
    dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
    carry a vegetable peeler in public.
    All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will immediately
    begin driving on the left side of the street. At the same time, you will go
    metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
    Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of

    9) The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
    gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    10) You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
    not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
    properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
    dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    11) The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
    at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
    and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
    Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound-for-pound the
    greatest sporting Nation on earth, and it can only be due to the beer. They
    are also part of the British Commonwealth -- see what it did for them.
    American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
    can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    12) Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good
    guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
    characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings
    and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
    cheese grater.

    13) You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
    football -- you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
    allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
    does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full kevlar
    body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby now -- the South
    Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

    14) Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
    event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of
    America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
    borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let
    you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    15) You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    16) An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moneys
    due (backdated to 1776).

    17) Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers
    (never with mugs), with high-quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, and with
    strawberries and cream when in season.

    God Save the Queen!

  • Priest73


  • tijkmo

    haha so did i

    Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of

    priceless..and even funnier because we aren't metricated here

    UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
    gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon

    oops this should be a £ sign not a dollar one..(petrol here is over $10 a gallon)

    Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue

    but no worse than listening to any scottish accent by a merrycan (which is almost as bad a s sean connery doing an irish one in the untouchables for which he won an oscar - hollywood eh)

  • jstalin

    Lock and load!

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex

    Someone sent this to me in an email, so it must be true.

  • Sirona



    That is frigg`n Hilarious!.....Are you sure HS didn`t write that?..LOL!!................................Laughing Mutley...OUTLAW

  • Satanus

    Even simpler, they could annex the usa to canada. We could use a few more provinces. 'Course, they would need to change states to provinces. That's about the only change they would need to make. Simple, eh? Oh, and the the other thing, legalize mj. ;)


  • BFD

    Jolly good show!

    Bloody hell that was great!

    (How'd I do?)


  • Priest73

    Was that the "Queen's" english BFD?

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