The elders looked at one another asking "do you have his letter?", the other said "No, I gave it to you!". It was obvious to me that my case was of little importance to them. My letter of reinstatement had been lost, kinda like my faith in them was. This was my second letter, the first was declined because I guess 6 months of being a good boy wasnt long enough. This was my second time being disfellowshipped, and my final meeting with a committee of any type, as I promised myself that I would never go to the elders again for anything. My first time being disfellowshipped was back in 92'. My father was dying and from his death bed he called the PO (presiding overseer) to ask if there was any way my reinstatement could happen before he died. The PO told him that one of the elders on the committee was on vacation and that such matters had to be handled on "Jehovahs timetable". My father died at home and only my brother had the kindness to tell me that I had every right to be present. A month later I was reinstated due to the brother returning from his vacation.
As a child, I remember in kindergarten my classmates gave me a birthday party and they made me a paper hat to wear. I was so proud! When I got home, my mom was not proud. I was instructed to trash my paper crown. All thru elementary school I sat while my fellow students stood up for the pledge. Many times my teacher would say "stand up boy! dont you have respect! stand up!". When I got into high school, it was then "okay" to stand out of respect, as long as you didnt put your hand over your heart. As all of you know, even coloring a turkey at thanksgiving was a major sin as kids. Looking back at my childhood its funny how big these trivial things seemed at the time. I was afraid of being disobedient for fear of being destroyed at armaggedon. Werent we all? I was a very shy child. I didnt speak up for myself very much. I often felt guilty over not using "every opportunity to give a witness" at school. The society sets the bar so high that no one can actually reach it, keeping all of its followers in constant motion, constantly asking themselves "am I doing all I can?". My first committee meeting was when I was 14. Me and a witness friend got caught trying to steal beer by swapping out bud cans into a coke carton, pretty smart right! The elders were shocked and showed their disappointment, yet little did I know that they couldnt touch me because I hadnt been babtized yet. Looking back I realize that the way it was handled was probably the best of my experiences with committee meetings. There was no public humiliation, no shunning, only stern counsel, the law punished me, not the elders. Again, that was only because I wasnt babtized.
In my late teens I moved out from home to live in the big city. I moved in with a single brother who when quickly realizing that I hadnt yet been babtized, locked me down as his bible study. I had soon made friends at the hall and met a girl I liked a lot. This was enough incentive to take the plunge. I was babtized in 87', and married in 89'. Thus my second committee meeting. It seems that our loose conduct needed to be delt with of course our conscience made us go to the elders. We were privately reprooved. I remember the odd questions being asked such as "was there a mutual masturbating?" Still not sure what that was all about but I would learn later that these committee meetings did not have the individuals interest's at heart.
In 1990 we moved to a southern state and I soon began working with a staunch southern babtist. We had many discussions but for the first time in my life, my faith was being challenged and it was stuff I had never heard before. For instance he used the word "grace" and I had no idea what he was talking about. To me, that was the language of christendom, babylon the great. He often saw me reading a watchtower and would say to me "read your bible." I couldnt even process that information, I was reading the bible! Or so I thought. I mean how could you possibly read just the bible without a guide right? Thats all the watchtower was, just a guide. It took me years to realize that I viewed the watchtower as more than just a bible aid. It might as well had been the bible itself because of how much faith I put in its words. He told me to look at certain older publications and that the society had often changed position on many doctrines such as the "worship of Jesus" and such. So I did and I was surprised at what I found. I asked an elder about an older publication that said that we "worship Jesus" and he said it was "relative" worship. That was good enough for me! I couldnt possibly imagine that this religion wasnt the truth. Looking back, I realized that that man challenging my beliefs was not the real challenge at all. I hated him for the things he said about the "truth". I later pondered why I felt this way about another human being? Was it just me? Or was I groomed to think this way about people of other faiths?
1995 was a turning point. That year at the summer convention it was stated in a "questions from readers" type part that the generation of 1914 wasnt a literal generatoin. I couldnt beleive my ears! The way it was presented was as if the old understanding never existed! I instantly felt inner conflict. This new understanding was to be accepted immediately by all members. I was amazed at the way it was just sort of snuck in there, a later watchtower article would further explain this "new light". But the damage had been done. I realized that my faith in the organization was just that, faith in an earthly, man made organization. Not faith in God.
As the years went by, I slowly became more of an independant thinker and sharpened my critical thinking skills. Then in 97' I hit a brick wall, divorce came upon me without warning. It was the worst time of my life. My wife left me, and was promptly disfellowshipped. Long story short, her psychiatrist changed her meds and she went haywire. The disfellowshipping was swift and the congregation resumed its pursuit of "kingdom interests" as if nothing happened. I felt so alone. I soon began to party a lot folks! For the next several years, I was in and out of many committee meetings, privately reproved, publicly reproved and disfellowshipped in 05'. I had become an alcoholic and was disfellowshipped. I was told to perhaps go to AA meetings. I wondered why the elders couldnt help me. Why wasnt there an AA at the kingdom hall? Why would I, a lost sheep have to go out into "satans world" to get the help I needed to stop drinking? This brings me to the beginning of this story. I did go to AA and found good people there. I got sober. I wrote my letter of reinstatement which was rejected. I decided to switch congregations. This was not easy, going to a new hall as a disfellowshipped person and telling an elder my situation, but I felt it was the only way that I would be reinstated sooner. The elders at the other hall were so incompetent it was remarkable. 6 months later I wrote my secong letter and of course, weeks went by before they even acknowledged that they read it. To my surprise, the elders at the other hall wanted to meet with me. But I knew they had to reinstate me because of the good recommendation they recieved from my new hall. At this point, it was all about just getting reinstated so I could talk to my family again, I promised myself this was the last time I would have any dealings with the elders. At this committee meeting, they asked me if I was disfellowshipped 3 months ago, I couldnt believe that! I reminded them that it was a year ago. Thats when they asked one another who had the letter! It was lost. They had no choice but to reinstate.
Two weeks later some of my family came to the hall to hear the announcement. They failed to make the announcement after the ministry school, so of course my heart was about to explode when I got up and tapped an elder on the shoulder and said "I need to talk to you." I asked him why the announcement hadnt been made and he said he didnt know. He said that since I was already reinstated, I could technically talk to everyone after the meeting. I told him how awkward that would be! So finally, after the last song and just before the final prayer, it was announced.
My experiences told here only scratch the surface. I have since stopped attending all meetings and I havent been in service since 04'. Im beginning to realize that it desnt matter if I am now disfellowshipped because of my defiance. I would consider it a badge of honor. My family doesnt want much to do with me anyhow because I dont go in service and I choose to volunteer in my community.
I still believe in God and his son Jesus. I try to love thy neighbor and avoid being judgmental, but Jehovah's Witnesses put the "mental" in judgemental dont they!
I have read both of Ray Franz's books and just couldnt put them down! My life is in transition right now, I dont have any friends but at the age of 39 Ive gone back to school to learn a trade and am making friends there. And now I have friends here. I know this journey is long and hard, but Ive learned to live in the moment, to live in today. Thank you all for reading and listening. I wish you peace and happiness.