My daughter was 9. She had always been my little "hypocrisy meter." Kids are like that. They haven't been around the block a million times and learned to suppress their God-given intuition or their feelings. They don't know "Go along to get along," which has ruined the world. Her developing little psyche (which I had trained as truth = what dad says) went on red alert when I walked out because it violated everything she had heard to date. How to deal with it?
1. Guilt is a killer. If you are "the truth" to them...and you feel guilty about leaving, they will sense the hypocrisy. Remember, YOU are the truth to them. Be sure, be honest, be forthright...and the truth of dad (or mom) will continue to be their truth and confusion will be minimized and confidence will soar. Overcoming obstacles together builds family strength.
2. Same as #1, but it bears repeating.
God bless!
carlos
How did your young children cope when you left?
by boyzone 20 Replies latest jw friends
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Carlos_Helms
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changeling
By all means see the school counselors. they may offer some helpful suggestions.
changeling
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BabaYaga
Every once in a while, I see a thread that makes me shake my head in sadness. This is one.
I think you should let him get counseling, it might help, and I don't think it could hurt. Counseling is great for all of us adults who have the confusion and devastation of discovering that all of our known "(T)ruths" were lies, I'm sure for a child young enough to ponder these things it could be that much more confusing and life-shaking.
You have done the right thing, we already know that. And he WILL get better... but counseling to help him work through it sounds like a danged fine plan.
All the best,
Baba. -
BLISSISIGNORANCE
Hi Boyzone...........haven't met you before, welcome. I'm an oldie on this forum, just haven't been regular here of late. I don't know your circumstances so forgive me if my response is uninformed, I'll just tell you about my kids. We (me, husband, 3 kids and my parents)left the organization late 2002 after seeing a tv show about the number of jw kids sexually abused and how the wts dealt with this matter. For us it was easy to leave as my kid had been abused by a jw and i got disfellowshipped as a way to keep me quiet...........long story, on my post/topic history if you're interested. Leaving was probably the easiest thing my kids did. The one that was sexually abused suffered more emotional upset when I was df'ed and trying to get reinstated (and i did 1 yr later). I guess there was a sense of guilt by the kid, that i went through everything because of the abuse. There was a lot of support from school, teachers, counsellors, friends and this forum. Eventually I got reinstated but left (inactive now) after a year. My kids are fine with leaving. I guess because I always maintained association with some non-jw friends we were able to move into another phase easily. We now celebrate xmas, b/days, mother's/father's day etc. We are non-religious now, and the best thing for me is knowing all my kids can come to me and not be afraid to tell me anything. This doesn't mean they can do whatever they want and i'll think it's fine, no matter what. I will always, however, love them no matter what. They have relationships, go to parties, watch movies and listen to music that still makes my hair curl......LOL...........they do things that most people do. I believe they are decent people deserving respect and love no matter what. Life is about learning and making mistakes........my kids know that, i tell them and accept who they are. The most important thing i found was that for my kids to feel confident and secure about leaving the wts, i had to be all those things. Open, honest communication is a must. Don't be afraid, your kid will be ok, just give it time. Cheers, Bliss (-;
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New light for you
Hello!
I first want to say i LOVED yknot's idea... of pulling those women into the councelors office for causing undue stress to your child! let them be exposed for the bit@ches they are! , now, i know that they're just doing "what they're told" but they're adults, and as you are suffering consequences, SO SHOULD THEY! love it.
My daughter is 8 as well. we are JUST NOW leaving. planning her b-day next month. I have to say, i'm shocked at how indocterinated she is. I feel so bad for her, i told her "mommy and daddy made a mistake. but now there is lots of fun things out there that we can try as a family, and see if we like!". I still see her ask consistently, maybe 2x a week "why aren't we going to the meeting? why was it ok to go to (the boy across the streets) birthday party?" and "thats where the kingdom hall, well, that we used to go to is". I know she's confused, and not being able to see the kids she grew up with ever again... well, that's just .... there's no way to discribe the ignorance, and no way to explain it to her. I'm just trying to fill the void, and make friends for her as fast as I can- within reason. We were at all the meetings, in service a few times a week, consistant, so it's a big break for her, and we didn't ease into it. I couldn't keep going once i found out the REAL truth.
I'll be curious to see the posts to your dilemma, i know there's got to be a bunch of us in that problem... at least we're de-programming them early on, and they might enjoy a normal life after this!!!
Wish you the best.... NewLight
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boyzone
HI All
Thank you all so much for your sound advice and support, I really appreciate it!! I was worried that counsellors might not know how to handle a situation like this. I'm sure they're used to helping children who go through divorce or bereavement but shunning and JW false religious teachings are pretty specialist areas. But I guess I will try and explain what they're dealing with as best I can.
Meanwhile I'll take your advice and be confident about leaving, (I am, but perhaps I need to show it more) then my son will see that its alright. He's an astute sensitive lad and will pick up the vibes pretty quickly.
you know, sometimes I really HATE this religion and everything about it. I can put up with all sorts of crap but when it affects my kids.......
will let u know what happens.
thanks
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WTWizard
Better to come clean about your parenting mistakes. You were misled and truly believed that Jehovah would kill the children for celebrating holidays and birthdays. Now you have the right to use independent sources to research these things, and read Luke 2:10-14 independently of a washtowel or asleep magazine. I recommend doing that.
And you could explain that the Washtowel Slaveholdery lied when they said there were only two birthdays in the Bible. Job's children had "special days" (I wonder if that term was altered in the New World Translation to make it look like they were not birthdays), and Jesus' birthday was celebrated by angels. These scriptures will help reassure the children that they are not sinning by celebrating. And, if they feel guilty about not doing field circus, remember Ephesians 2:8 and 9 where it tells us that salvation is by grace and not works. Hopefully that will ease the stress a bit.
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sweetstuff
For mine it was a relief, no more horrid meetings and service, they were 4 and 2 at the time. It made me cry to hear my oldest at 5 on her first real halloween outing say "Why didn't you let me do this all the years of my life, its so fun?", yup, those were her words! I made an effort to help my kids develop non-witness kid friends. I would invite the oldest girl's schoolmates over for a playdate or sleepover. The younger one had playdates with the neighbour's daughter. I did what I could to help them make friends in a time when they lost the only friends they had known, I think that helped alot. They developed these friendships and slowly forgot about the ones left behind, being so young, it wasn't hard.
When we did run into people from our hall out and about, my oldest (wise beyond her years) was disgusted that they would avoid us and said to me that she didn't believe any God would want people to be so mean. She quickly saw how fake they were, even at that tender age. So, I would suggest you reason with your son on what kind of people those women who are shunning him really are. For instance...simple questions like, See how they ignore you? Would you ever ignore a friend because they said they liked a different toy, tv show or hobby? Of course he will probably answer a resounding no. Then say..that is what friendship is, you love and care for your friends, even when you don't agree. These people are not true friends, right?
Kids can be reasoned with on a level alot of adults don't give them credit for. As for "Jehovah" going to "get him". I faced that one too. First thing I did was tell my daughter how sorry I was for teaching her that, admitting Mommy was so wrong, adults aren't always right! Then I told her that I taught her what I was taught by my parents without really stopping to check if it was true and when I did, I realized it was a lie and because I love her so much I couldn't keep teaching her a lie. That no God wants to hurt us or punish us for not being a certain way. Then I simply told her, would mommy ever hurt you because you didn't do something I liked? She said "No way!", I said, "well neither would god, and I am so sorry for ever making you feel that he would, I was wrong". That seemed to settle the issue for my oldest anyway, not sure if it will help in your case, but hope it does.
Good luck! The best way to forget the past and the hurt is to build for our children a life full of love, friends and endless possibilities. With time, he'll forget what upset him so much now. Mine certainly have.
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jaguarbass
I would say my one son was very happy. I left when he was 9.
He was able then to play sports.
What child in their right mind would want to go to the kingdumb hall.
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lrkr
This is an important thread, I think.
My son is 9 and we have been doing the fade since his 8th birthday. Its amazing what he says when he realizes that there are no longer any boundaries on belief. He continually says things like- "maybe there isn't a God. There isn't really any proof." Anyone who says "Children naturally believe in God" have never spoken with children in an honest and open manner. (Ok - that was a pretty broad generalization- I expect some flaming for that) Children have a natural logic that simply can't accept much of what is taught in the Bible (especially the OT).
He has made comments like "We really dont do our religion anymore." To which I say-"No, we don't. Sometimes its important to rethink what you've always believed to be true."
To me, its important that he know that there may not be any fixed, unquestionable religious truths and that life is a journey of discovery. I'm trying to balance that with giving him a set of moral boundaries (stealing, hurting others, hurting yourself is wrong) but I find that children do have a bit of a natural compass when it comes to basic moral issues. (They just have no natural moral compass regarding stories of brutality in the OT, senseless doctrines like blood, and other artificially imposed religious "morality")