Thanks Nonjwspouse...this emotion is just catching me by surprise. I haven't turned in field service time in nearly 10 years...I haven't been regularly associated with a congregation in about that same amount of time. Due to an extremely dysfunctional marriage, that I attempted to get help from the elders for...to no avail...I just ended up drifting away. I finally made the decision 4 years ago that I didn't want to go back...every time we tried, my life just got worse and worse, not necessarily due to the congregation or WTS, but due to my crazy ex's extremes, and I just couldn't take it anymore. Until recently, I never really looked any deeper into things...but now that I am stuck at home most of the time due to an illness that I am recovering from, I have the time to delve into things I haven't in the past...Over the past year, I have really been taking my life back, but due to my JW indoctrination, have been conflicted and had to make decisions based on what I wanted...and with great feelings of guilt and dread, went against JW teachings/beliefs...then I happened across this website and it has been a lifesaver for me. I am starting to "wake up" to who I really am...completely throwing off the JW personality...and now I am happy again. I didn't realize how much of my personality was lost...and am really disappointed in how my life has turned out due to my decision to become a JW. I also didn't really know how tightly my eyes were closed to the hypocrisy of the WTS. If I had been confronted about the child abuse issues...I would have vehemently denied them. Same with NGO issue among others...I always felt uncomfortable with how superior (not sure if that's the right word) JW's make themselves to others...while claiming to be the most humble of people.
I currently don't have any close contact with any JW...I was the only one in my family, and only my ex's aunt is in. She is the only one that is currently privy to my current lifestyle and as a result she has shunned me...although I am not DF'd or DA'd. But that's ok...it's better that way...it keeps my ex that much further from my life...but honestly, she's one of the most hypocritical JW that I know.
There are so many good people stuck in the organization...so blinded and brainwashed...and I feel so helpless to do anything about it. I know the best thing for me to do is to life my life HAPPY and FREE! It's a little late for me to start doing some of the things I dreamed of 30 years ago when this infection entered my life...but not all of them! And the best revenge I can get is by living well!