The night my dad was disfellowshipped...I gave a talk, blah

by mac n cheese 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • mac n cheese
    mac n cheese

    I am trying to choose non-specific words in order to avoid being outed, but I suppose this story probably isn't that unique.

    I was really close to my dad. He was always the one that made us think. He'd smile when we pointed out any inconsistencies in people's behaviors, or noticed anything that didn't make sense. Actually, my mom did too. The difference was when the things we kids noticed were about JWs and/or any publications. My dad would still smile and coax our reasoning from us, then be proud that we'd thought something through. My mother would go insane with rage. When my father was not around, she really liked beating me with a closed fist.

    Needless to say, my parents had issues with each other. We were informed that my dad was getting disfellowshipped for adultery a few days before our meeting. We were devastated. My mother was righteously indignant, but obviously hurt. They were trying to patch things up. This time would prove to be a tortuous blur in my teenage years.

    So we go to the meeting. They need a substitute speaker at the last minute. My mom grabs my arm, digs into me with her fingers and INSISTS that I take the talk, "to set a good example for Jehovah and the congregation." I'm completely numb, my life is completely in shambles, I could not respond to her. Somewhere, deep inside of me, a small flame begins to flicker - she is completely insane, and I now have proof. She keeps squeezing, hissing, "put your HAND up!"

    I do the talk. Everyone tells me later how brave I am, what a spiritual person I am, and then my mother stands there and takes all the credit. The flame inside me gets bigger - EVERYONE is insane! They all KNEW how much I loved, adored, worshipped my dad. And now, he's just nothing? MY feelings don't matter? I was so young, and I remembered that those fists of hers would now be part of my weekly life since she was now the "head of the family" and apparently just waiting for the opportunity. ONE elder tells me later, "you didn't have to do that." He said it kindly, very concerned. I could barely manage a mumbled "thanks."

    Here I am, just barely hanging on for the spouse to gather courage to leave and sometimes, this experience really hits me hard. An earlier thread on this board brought back this memory and I'm grateful that I now have an outlet, even if no one reads.

    Epilogue - They got divorced. My dad is reinstated, but about as active as me, just more of a believer than I am. He's still wonderful and I'm so glad that I made a point of reaching out to him when I did. I love you, Dad. My mother has moved away. After reading on the internet (I LOVE THE INTERNET!), I've realized that she's a narcissist. I have removed her from my life and it has been so much better as a result. She's still a JW.

    To my therapist - thanks for...just everything.
    To my dad - it amazes me how you manage to avoid being bitter. I'll do my best to follow in your steps.
    To the WT - Your policies made a very difficult time in our family absolute HELL. What should have been a family matter got played out, discussed, re-hashed in public and our remaining JW family was treated like crap.

    To the wonderful people at JWD - thanks for reading, if you got this far.

    Sorry for the long post.

  • SPAZnik



  • Hope4Others

    That would of been a hard thing to do give a talk like that.

    Most importantly is the relationship you have with dad now.

    Take care


  • Sirona

    We are reading and listening.


    Its really great that you can get this stuff out, one way or another.

    Well done on freeing your mind.


  • daniel-p

    Wow. What an experience. So you have an insane and a maniacally controlling mother as well eh? A mother who will take every chance she can get to raise her status in the Hall, and assumes a spiritual authority over everyone else? I got one of them too.

  • Hiddenwindow

    Thanks for the post. It is a good thing you have your dad. Peace.

  • AudeSapere

    We understand. Sorry you've had to endure such emotional torture in the past.


  • berylblue

    I am sorry for your pain, but glad you shared that story with us.

  • momzcrazy

    Thanks for sharing that with us. I am so happy you have your dad back in your life. Mine was just reinstated when he died of an OD. He wouldn't let me go to his wedding to his widow, because he was still DF'd.

    I know how horrible it was to sit thru that announcement that night. For your mom to do that to boost her ego is inexcusable.


  • choosing life
    choosing life

    I am glad you have a good relationship with your father. Does the society even think about the damage their crazy policies inflict on children? You're right, it should have been a family matter and not the hall gossip. Sorry.

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