Where do you draw the line???

by cognac 17 Replies latest jw friends

  • OnTheWayOut
    I go back and forth on this.

    Welcome to the club. My wife wants to know why I am so changed.
    I want to scream that I know she is in a mind-control cult, and I don't
    know how to get her to realize it. This depresses me. Instead, I keep
    it to myself so that she doesn't withdraw from me, turn me in to the
    elders, and get my mother to stop speaking to me.

    I try to look at fading this way- I hang on as long as I can, ready to
    embrace family. I can always abandon the fade if it gets to be too much.
    But there would be no turning back. So I move toward as much
    freedom as I can. You need to get out of meetings and on to real
    learning and real enjoyment of the weekends. You don't have to
    announce your discoveries, but you have to let them know you are

  • LouBelle

    cognac - best bet: look at your two options: 1. Stay in / fade but then you pretty much have to keep your views to yourself (and personally I know this is extremely difficult) 2. Make a stand and face the consequinces - however you can also make sure they don't disfellowship / disassociate yourself . You state very clearly in your letter as to why (simply because by doing that they would be causing a fraction in your family / plus they will be discriminating against you)


    you could do point no. 1 and faaaaaade to the point that you are not considered a witness because then doing the whole letter thing works a lot more in your favor (takes time though)

    Go to www.robin-losingthefaith.blogspot.com to see a former witnesses letter to the elders - I was truly amazed.

  • Tired of the Hypocrisy
    Tired of the Hypocrisy

    Hi Cognac,

    Listen....I am in your position. My wife has family that are in. Many of them are in til death. Others are honest people who see teh bs the wts pushes on them but are for some reason or another not able to act. I love my wife and her family, and would not be happy if I did not have their love. That is just basic humanity. My mom, and sibs are inactive as am I. I am getting some success with my bro as far as sharing my pov.

    Take baby steps til you know what you are getting into. Pick the ground you will fight on too.

  • jgnat
    you also want your family to love you?

    I think I have the answer to this one. I'm in the middle of Covey's 7 habits of Highly Effective People right now. And he makes the excellent point that if you are motivated by anything other than personal integrity, you are flawed.

    What is wrong with wanting your family to love you? If you sacrifice your core values to do it. Your family may like you, but they won't have respect. You won't love yourself either.

    So I think if you decide to live in a way that preserves your self-respect (whether you decide to stay or leave) the rest will fall in to place. Think about the lovable people in your life. Isn't what makes them special is that they first stand tall, loving themselves? Paradoxically, others are naturally attracted to that dynamism. Even if they don't always agree.

    On the other hand, you must have friends who try too hard to make sure that everyone loves them, to the expense of their own personhood. They are so sad, because they sacrifice the most beautiful parts of themselves for that elusive acceptance.

    So the short answer, accept yourself first.

    Perhaps if you take a "back away" approach with your family, making it clear you have serious doubts but you don't want to "stumble" them by revealing all if they are not ready to hear it. You could maintain a "don't ask don't tell" sort of relationship. Then the ball is in their court, when they are ready to listen.

  • real one
    real one

    If you are still a christian and want to continue to grow and walk with the Lord, what is more important to you? They (jw) have taught you many things I am sure but once you realize they are also liars why continue to mingle with them?, spiritually anyway...maybe some will remain your friends..i know of one that still speaks to me, my cousin.

    Matthew 7:21-23 Not everyone who calls me their Lord will get into the kingdom of heaven. Only the ones who obey my Father in heaven will get in. On the day of judgement many will call me their Lord. They will say, "We preached in your name, and in your name we forced out demons and worked many miracles." But I will tell them, I will have nothing to do with you! Get out of my sight, you evil people!"

  • R.Crusoe

    I listened to so many talk of accepting youself and loving yourself and being independent! It leaves you alone and independent and unhappy!

    The people saying it dont have a clue otherwise they would explain it like it meant something instead of keep making you feel there is something you arent getting!

    A good teacher will help you know yourself rather than telling you to accept something only they know the definition of.

    And they are rarer than we realise!

  • WTWizard

    There are three possibilities. One is to fade. That takes time, and you are at risk of the hounders trying to coerce you into becoming active again, or accepting "privileges" you are relinquishing. Plus, you have to watch your back lest they find something to disfellowship you for. This will allow you access to family, but they might still decide to shun you or "mark" you as disorderly.

    The second option is to continue going through the motions. It is the hardest option, since you will still have to go out in field circus and attend the boasting sessions. It is most likely to preserve family, but you will be living a lie and may be part responsible for bringing someone into the cult if you do real field circus. And there is a chance of getting busted for something anyway, which would force you to make the decision when you are not prepared for it.

    The third is to do it yourself. You control the timing. You will be finished with the cult once for all time. This means writing the disassociation letter or getting disfellowshipped on purpose. However, that is also most likely to cut off all ties with family and make it more difficult to extricate them from being witlesses in the future. You will no longer be coerced into going to boasting sessions, and will bear no further responsibility toward those that are dragged into the cult.

    That is one thing that makes this cult so dangerous. People cannot leave without making some horrible decisions. And, I guarantee that if you wait too long, it will be made for you by Brother Hounder. You alone will have to decide whether it is worth losing your family to be free from promoting a lie or having to worry about Brother Hounder, and if you wish to stay active nominally or do the fade. One can only hope that the cult will soon be ruined so that the decision will be made for you in your favor.

  • jaguarbass

    You want life to be black and white. Thats the way we were taught as JW's that life was black and white.

    It's not, Life is gray.

    You got to pay the cost to be the boss, You got to fight for your right to party.

    Do you want to pay those cost? Are they worht it.

    Maybe you cant have things full tilt left or full tilt right.

    If you fade long enough you might become invisable.

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