That time of year again... Mum and Memorial

MisfitMeL

Here we go again..

I never mention anything about the meetings or study articles or associating with other JWs in emails to my mum so I think she suspects that I am not attending my local kingdom hall (which is true). So the line in her most recent email isn't suprising - I hope you'll be attending the memorial on the 22nd of this month.

The thought of what I could reply is giving me a dangerous itch! I'm definitely not attending (I know she will ask things like 'how many were in attendance' etc to catch me out). I think I will probably say 'Yes I am' and then change the subject like I usually do, but sometimes I get the urge to say No and all hell will break loose!! I hate fading, but I don't really have a choice. There's so much I would like to say to her... it would all tumble out if I let it, but I know I should take it slow and play my cards right and hopefully she might start thinking and doubting too..

I just don't know how to go about it... or what I could say withouth arousing suspicion

I went to the memorial last year because I felt guilty about lying to mum.... I tried to arrive as late as possible so I didn't have to chat to anyone. Unfortunately, if you're an unfamiliar face, you are quite a target! Immediately a 'sister' tried to 'befriend' me and be really nice to me... asked me where I came from, what I did etc etc. I started to realise that she assumed I was an 'interested person' and I felt this awful feeling sweep over me...

before I could say anything, the service began. She was being very helpful and lent her songbook to me. After the service, I tried to leave immediately, but I had to hand over the songbook. As I did, she asked me what made me to attend the memorial, who referred me etc. I mentioned I'm baptised and decided to attend since I haven't in a while.... and all expression and warmth just vanished from her face. She just went 'Oh.' and quickly went to find her hubby, who I think is an Elder. I was trying to make a getaway LOL when he showed up and tried to casually ask me which congregation I was from etc. etc. He seemed pleasant enough, but I found the entire experience embarrassing and something didn't feel right.

I'm not a very observant or astute person but sometimes I can 'feel' things and I felt the lady's 'niceness' was contrived and fake in some ways and she 'cooled' off when I wasn't really a newbie. It made me feel a little sad and hurt and mostly annoyed and angry coz I felt cheap.

And I've decided I'm never going again, no matter how guilty I feel!

Sorry for the rant, I could vent to my bf but he'd just look at me blankly coz I know he won't really 'get' it... bless his socks! lol

Maddie

Hi Misfit - This is a big problem for many of us every year when the Memorial comes around. Some on JWD make plans to be away when it comes around for that reason so perhaps you could do that as an easy way out. I wish you well.

Maddie

Princess Daisy Boo

Hi there... I know how you feel misfit - Even though my mum knows that I dont attend meetings, she still invites me to the memorial every year and I dread it every year. I have to wonder whether she will mention it this year after the big talk we had last week!

chickpea

submarines mess with their mindset.... the JWs who surface once a year.... brings out the snooty in 'em

last year was my last memorial.... i had arranged to be out of the country! i arrived with my deluxe study edition bible and big @ss songbook and hardly had anyone speak to me at all! i guess it is a crap shoot as to whether you get love bombed or not? the anonymity was delightful and the same old droning message from the platform went a long way to advance for the me the realization that there was nothing left to keep me as an adherent

whatever you end up doing or not doing.... good luck on this journey.... hopefully your mother can adapt her sensibilities to your life decisions

Tired of the Hypocrisy

I had not attended in a couple of years. Last year was the first time my wife did not attend...EVER. She is very sick. I ended up going last year because my Father in Law needed a lift as his Pioneer abusive wife was taking several sisters and studies in her BUS. I wore jeans a bolo tie and a cowboy hat. I sat there and endured the funny looks.

This year my father in Law needs a lift again and I am going to take him but not go in. WAIT, he told my wife (his daughter) that he knows how sick she is but that he would like to see her attend. So now she is all fired up and wanting to go. Ugh.....I don't know how much more of this manipulation I can stand! I love my Father in Law. He has been very good to me. And when my Dad died, he became like a father to me. My wife loves him and hates to disappoint him. I may just drop them off at the door like usual then say I could not find a seat! LOL

It is hard on many of us, because we are either afraid of being shunned or like me, afraid to hurt my family. Fading is one thing I would like to not do. I would prefer to just take off like a yanked bandage....But I love my family as I am sure you do. We are here for you to listen, so feel free........

OnTheWayOut

I face a similar dilema.

I have had the big Memorial discussion with my wife and she knows.
My mother is another story. I have decided in my fade, not to be volunteering
information to my mother. It's just a different strategy. I discuss beliefs and
stuff (as I have posted here) but generally, I don't tell Mom what I am doing or
not doing for Jehovah and his underlords in the WTS. I only answer questions
that she asks. (The Fader Don't Ask-Don't Tell program)

While I have said in the past that I didn't attend the DC and I stepped aside as
an elder (and told her why), I have not told my mother that I no longer attend
ANY meetings. If she asks, I would tell her. She never asked. My wife is free
to volunteer information to my mother, but she doesn't.

The end result is that I have not discussed the Memorial at all with my mother.
It will come up afterward, and I will have to answer her inquiry. "No, I didn't attend."
I plan on simply saying, "I am not anointed, I am not commanded to participate.
Anyone who doesn't believe they are the anointed of Jehovah's Witnesses can
OBSERVE the Memorial if they desire to do so, but they won't get stoned for
not observing."

That will open a big can of worms, but I just mentally prepare myself for it.
Part of having a fade and acheiving peace is revealing your intentions and feelings
in a controlled way. That's what I am doing.

Finally-Free

You could always tell your mom you're going to the Easter vigil mass in your local Catholic church.

If you choose to attend the memorial, don't let any JWs question you. If any ask which congregation you're in, just say that you don't make it a practice to give personal information to complete strangers.

You are not under any obligation to anyone.

W

OnTheWayOut

I wore jeans a bolo tie and a cowboy hat. I sat there and endured the funny looks.

I love that. If I caved in and went, that's how I am going.

WTWizard

One thing you can do to quell the guilt is to hold the Memorial privately at home. Or, you could wonder why people do not partake--hence the Reject Jesus Fest.

And, there is nothing to feel guilty about missing a fight to get in the parking lot and then in the Kingdumb Hell, a boring 45 minute talk, passing a plate of stale crackers and a glass of spoiled grape juice, and then listening to the real guilt talks about getting back into going to all the boasting sessions. You are better off if you can just skip it.

MisfitMeL

Thanks guys. I've decided I won't be attending this time. No one's going to come knocking on my door so I don't have to worry too much. I'll still email my mum and tell her that I'm going though, and hope that she doesn't ask any further!!!

On a better note, my copies of Crisis of Conscience and In search of Christian Freedom have just arrived

I never realised the second book was so thick! It's going to take a while to get through that LOL

That time of year again... Mum and Memorial

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