My friend needs advice re: wife who wants to leave JWs but won't celebrate

by truthseeker 15 Replies latest jw friends

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  truthseeker

  I have a friend who has started the slow fade. Recently, his wife talked about leaving, but she is still hung up on worldly holidays.

  This is what he says...

  One of the concerns my wife has about leaving "the truth" is that she wants our children to grow up with wholesome examples and association with their peers.

  My wife knows JWs aren't the only religion to teach their kids to behave morally, but what about the holidays? She don't think she will ever feel comfortable with Christmas, Halloween etc.

  If she makes friends with non-JWs, how can she explain that she doesn't celebrate those things when she has nothing to back it up with? She can't tell them it's because "I'm a Witness."

  She is concerned that our children will be confused and they are going to feel left out of worldly celebrations.

  Thanks.
• 

  journey-on

  If she's still hung up on the holidays, then she is not totally ready. It sounds like a little thing, but the first time

  you celebrate Christmas after leaving the borg, it is a traumatic thing. You have all kinds of conflicting emotions,

  but all I can say, is it gets easier and less conflicting and you finally realize how silly the whole thing was not to

  celebrate the birth of Christ.

  But, you have all these trigger scriptures the Society uses bombarding your mind in order to make you feel guilty.

  But, once she is past the guilt and is able to reason through the stupidity of the whole thing, it will get easier and

  actually begin to feel right even from a Biblical sense.

  Hey, if you take the first step, you might as well walk the distance. You will not be consumed with fire, nor will

  you be destroyed at Armageddon for giving gifts and decorating a tree in honor of Christ Jesus.
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  blondie

  I know quite a few never been jws that don't celebrate the holidays. No interest, not religious, etc. The question is would she go over for dinner on a holiday to accept someone's hospitality who does celebrate. I noticed that on the streets around here on Christmas, maybe one in ten even had lights up.
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  lesterd

  She may feel thats if she is leaving one lie, she will have trouble adjusting to another. It what we all have been taught to see and compromise on those ingrained issueses takes time. Be patient, all change happenes on an individual bases.
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  GoingGoingGone

  I'd look up every holiday, along with the JW reason for not celebrating it, and start from there. Find out why other religions have no problem with celebrating Christmas and Easter and other holidays, despite their alleged "roots." The WT tends to put a huge slant on the information it presents. There is a larger picture, and if your wife can see it and it makes sense to her, maybe celebrating holidays will no longer be such an issue.

  GGG
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  jgnat

  Parents set the tone for the family, and the children will follow. Even if the children cry and whine about some of the family's prohibitions and constraints, deep down the child is secure in those limits. It helps define who they are and who their family is. One of my prohibitions was "no guns". So my six year old son cheerfully made an "L" out of lego and went around the hollering "bang bang".

  So she can sit down with her family and decide what activities are in or out. If she is not comfortable about birthdays, how about a "special day"? What could they do on a "special day"? Invite some friends to a movie? Have a special dinner at home? I see also it is a local tradition amongst the Witnesses here to go skiing through the Christmas season.

  Done with some planning, they can build a little family they can enjoy.

  As for the rest of the "world", they are more accommodating than she can imagine. At work I've learned to accommodate Muslim, Hindu, Vegetarian, and a wealth of medical restrictions. We still manage to gather to celebrate at least once a year.

  Book recommendation:

  How To Develop A Family Mission Statement

  Author: Stephen R Covey, Stephen R. Covey
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  potentialJWconvertswife

  Like Blondie said, there are many others outside the organization that don't celebrate certain holidays. Especially Halloween- The more fundamentalist types steer clear of that one for sure. The other Holidays are more difficult. I think GGG is on to something, investigating each one sounds like a good place to start. I find the witness arguments against Christmas completely unconvincing as a Christian. So what if that's not the original date that Jesus was born?! The fact is that the holiday is a celebration of the birth of our Lord and Saviour! For a little while most folks are more decent to everyone else than they normally would be, and greetings all around for peace on earth, goodwill toward men. Now what could be more right?! Silly to get twisted over the "pagan origins"- no one (or at least very few) uses it for that type of celebration these days. Plus, who knows for sure when Jesus was born? The argument that Herrod wouldn't call for the census at that time because it would be too cold to travel also doesn't cut it. The man was paranoid, and just trying to get to the Messiah. He didn't give a care how cold it was- he wasn't traveling! Hmmm- I have gone on about this haven't I? Guess I've put some thought into it...
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  DoomVoyager

  Witlesses feel left out at christmas time. They speak with such hatred and disgust of anyone who celebrates christmas. It's obviously a case of organizational sour grapes.
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  DoomVoyager
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  OnTheWayOut

  I think I have a good understanding of this wife. The religion might be wrong, but she feels that
  the holidays are wrong, also. I tend to agree with her, but there is no point (in my opinion) of
  being fanatical about avoiding holidays.

  The husband can talk with the wife about each and every holiday celebration and decide what
  to allow the kids to do, what to avoid doing, when to avoid it altogether or allow compromise.
  
  Start with the biggies: Christmas and birthdays. He might try to say that decorating the home
  might be more than they want to do, but they can celebrate the desire for world peace and good
  thoughts that people share at that time of year. They can recognize that people who are not
  Christians share that desire and exchange gifts at that time of year. They can participate at
  whatever level they decide upon, perhaps not being strict about saving the gifts for Christmas
  morning, and telling the kids not to worry that other kids celebrate more heavily than they do.

  Birthdays- there's nothing wrong with having a special day. People usually make it their birthday.
  Gifts are fine, special meals and desert are fine. If the spouse cannot handle the pagan cake
  and candles, well, let it go for a few years.

  Halloween- I tend to agree with the fact that it is a rough holiday. Perhaps the kids can try to
  be taught what the history of that holiday is and explain that they don't celebrate it. But they could
  decide not to be ridiculous and avoid school parties or holiday assignments.

  They can look at each and every holiday and celebration and take it on it's own merit. After years,
  they might relook at their views.

  Just my thoughts- I don't plan to celebrate, but I don't plan to avoid holidays. Adults tend to minimize
  what stress avoiding holidays causes to children, so they don't want to just dismiss everything.