she's just a friend

daytona27

I was married a long time, divorced and alone for the last couple of years. I consider myself content. I've come to terms with being alone and the prospect that I may not be with someone for a good while. Then I get an email from the most beautiful girl at work. She's cool, I've known her for years, but never hung out with her. She says "you're a cool guy, I'm a cool girl, we ought to hang out." I know her sister better than I know her. So we start doing some things here and there. I let her know that I'm not looking for anything, so she doesn't have to worry about me hitting on her, or making suggestive remarks. Every other guy does that because she's a 10. They try to just hook up with her, so she's pretty defensive. I actually respect her and just want to be her friend. I usually am not even interested in very attractive girls just because they seem the same, just kind of shallow. She's somewhat aloof, so we aren't in constant communication. For the past few weeks weve gone out to lunch once a week and we've been out together at least one day over the weekend. Last Saturday, we spent all day together, starting with a nice lunch, then shopping, then went to a couple of shows. It was the best weekend I could ever remember having....ever. I recently got an offer to relocate to another state for work. When we were taking a break from shopping, she said "I'm really going to miss you." I know she's been hurt pretty bad in the past, and according to her sister, it "messed her up". She protects herself pretty well and is careful not to get involved. What I wasn't expecting is that getting to know this incredibly beautiful girl is that she's down to earth, extremely intelligent, very humble and not in need of a man in her life. I value her as a friend and despite my cold hearted efforts to not get my heart involved...I think it has. I now am in the state of caring for someone that I know isn't ready for a relationship and specifically said that all her guy friends end up falling for her and it gets weird. I didn't want that to be me, but...seems like it is. But, I can't let her know how I feel because I don't want it to damage our friendship. Friendship is the best part of any relationship. It's not like I even want it to go any further for any specific reason. I just want to spend time with her. I'm all of a sudden not as content alone as I was just a week ago. But I have to be. I have to keep my distance. I have to just be a friend. When we hang out this weekend, which we probably will, my heart will want to, but the other side of me just wants to let it die because it most likely won't go anywhere. So now I'm in the dubious position of being able to hang out with someone before I leave for work in a month or so, yet I almost don't want to just so I won't care for her. But my time with her is the best I've had ever...with any girl. It just sucks. I can't stand what the heart does to a person. It's so much easier to not feel anything for anyone.

Satanus

I bet, she feels cool being w you cuz you seem not to need anything from her. I would guess that, as soon as you start needing her, as she put it, it will get wierd for her. Like the beatles song goes, you got to hide your love (ok, involvement) away.

S

daytona27

Satanus, you are definitely right. I'd completely avoid her as opposed to coming across as needy. I'm pretty guarded myself. Not many people make it in. She hit me up several times wanting to hang out, so we have. I'm not the one asking her to do things all the time. Last weekend, she asked me what my plans were. I have the feeling that she only feels "safe" if she's not being pressured. So, I just let her come out of her shell so to speak and we've become pretty good friends. Ever since her bad breakup 4 years ago, she lives with her sister and her bf and spends a lot of time by herself. In a way, I'm glad that she feels comfortable enough with me to want to spend time with me..she does not do that with too many...or any other people that I know of. So, I'm glad she trusts me. I would never want to betray that trust or appear to. I just can't help but care about her. What I'm wondering though is if the guys in the past have been attracted to her based on looks, or on her personality. Eh, one way or the other, I'll be gone within a month and won't be able to see her anymore anyway.

serendipity

(( daytona )) I've been in a similar situation a few times, and kept the friendship because I enjoyed the company of the guys so much, even though it was bittersweet (putting it mildly). Perhaps focus on the positive here - maybe you're helping her come out of her shell, maybe you've learned more about qualities you find attractive in a woman, maybe you've learned more about yourself.

Sparkplug

she's just a friend

always works good on a tombstone. Famous last words....

AWAKE&WATCHING

Wrong IMHO.

If you feel it, you have to let her know. You want to risk finding out years from now that she felt the same and neither of you spoke up?

Look at it this way: Speak up - you may lose a friend.

Don't speak up and you may lose what could be the love of your life.

Which one are you willing to risk?

If I ever feel the way you describe again - I'm taking that chance and speaking up.

dawg

Yea, and maybe you should spank that ass! I mean it too, how the hell do yo know she's not feeling what you're feeling? And to make matters worse, if it doesn't work the way you wanted it to, then you're moving anyway, you'll be long gone and in a few you'll get something else on your mind..

Ever think you may be missing the best damn thing you ever could hope for? Take the gal to a nice restaraunt, order the best wine and dinner; make sure its a dance place so when a slow song comes on you can gaze in her eyes-if she recipicates, then give her a kiss that will be one for the ages...one she'll remember till she 95 and has alzheimers... what the hell's wrong with you dude, she probably wants the same thing you want... now give it to her!

daytona27

Thanks for the replies, all of that has been on my mind. I'll give a little more detail. She has a "wild" side that only comes out when she's drinking. I think she likes to drink just to feel relaxed but doesn't do it all the time, and knows she needs to be with someone she trusts. We went out a few weeks ago and at the end of the evening, wound up in a hot tub. She was topless, we were both in our underwear only. We had a nice time...but nothing physical. I wasn't even interested in that. I don't even have the desire to be intimate...ok, maybe just a bit, but it's been a year since I've been with a woman. It's not really on my mind. Although I believe she's open to it. I think it would be easier to be physical with her than it would be to be emotionally involved with her from her perspective. She's not loose, I think that that is what other guys focus on, so maybe that's what she goes with? I have no idea. But my point is that I respect her more for who she is...that's what I'm interested in, not the physical side. But you're right, I need to say something. I will. I'm debating saying something to or asking her sister for some information about how I should approach it. Her sister and I have been closer friends, and we've talked briefly about her sister and I going out. They live in the same house, but the one I'm seeing doesn't say anything to her sister, she's pretty private. I'm more interested in finding out maybe how I should approach letting her know how I feel without messing things up. It's sad though. I spent over 14 years married to a dominant, bossy woman that was miserable most of the time, and mostly just plain mean. This girl, we go to lunch and clothes shopping one day and manage to have a better time than anything that happened with my wife and I over 14 years...so incredibly sad, but it gives me hope that it's possible to have a truly enjoyable friendship with someone based on mutual respect. I was beginning to wonder if it was something I'd see again.

dawg

Man, WTF? She was topless in a hottub with you and you didn't do anything casue you aren't interested? Then scratch what I said above... Lets get straight to the point... are you gay? Do you not want a lady that makes you happy as a friend and yet you want to bang her? YOu say she's a 10 so you must be attracted to her, I mean if your'e not gay right? You like her company, you think she's attractive and yet you did nothing?... I'm not saying this to be an ass, but you need to seek help from a pro.... If you're ex made you feel that you don't want to be with a lady like this and you aren't gay then you need to seek professional help becasue something else must be up your backside that you aren't telling us...and probably shouldn't... you need a pro.

daytona27

Dawg, I hear where you're coming from. Standard guy talk, yeah, it applies. But I've never been that person. I've been told I'm good looking, but I just don't view women like that. I believe it's because I was married a long time, and I learned that the best part of any relationship is the simple things and definitely not sex. I could care less about getting off. It's not like she gave me overt signals that she wanted to go that direction. If everyone just wants sex from a girl that is very pretty, do you think it would make sense to go the same route? I don't honestly think that's the way to get to know someone. We're not even dating, just hanging out. No, I'm definitely not gay, and I have no problem getting girls. I have to turn them away, because as crazy as it sounds, I don't want to be used for sex anymore than the "typical" girl might not want to be. I've been in relationships where all they cared about was the unit, and it's just not what I want. Maybe it's just weird that I have so much respect for her as a person that I prefer friendship over intimacy....which could really screw things up. All my guy friends are saying the same thing as you Dawg, I just don't think that's the answer.

she's just a friend

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