But I feel like writing, so I'm just going to share what's been going on in my life and what I've been thinking lately. I plan on writing for a while, so, if you don't want to read something long, pick another thread. :-)
I went back to NH for my winter break and spent some time with my family and friends.
The trip to NH was exhausting but -- in that way life has of being so absurd and challenging at times that one can't help but be blackly amused -- funny. I had just finished three days of studying for and taking final exams, and, since I'm a TA, I had a huge pile of grading to finish that very night because my plane was leaving the next morning at 10 AM. At about four in the morning, I finished my rumpelstiltzkinean grading marathon (I found a few plagiarizers. very satisfying.) and walked to campus down the center of the snowy streets, which were empty of traffic with the exception of the occasional snowplow. I left the papers for the professor for whom I worked and returned to my apartment. I had not yet packed, so I spent the next two or three hours packing my suitcases. Then I called a taxi to take me to the airport. However, at the exact moment the taxi arrived at my place (around 8 AM), I received a call from the airline informing me of the fact that all flights had been canceled due to the snowstorm. The lady on the phone told me that if I could get to Chicago in time for a 1 PM flight I could still make it to NH that day. If not, I'd have to wait two days for the next flight. I REALLY wanted to get to NH on that day because my sister and I were planning on meeting our cousin for the first time the next day in Boston.
Since leaving the "Truth," my sister and I have been trying to connect with our non-Witness relatives. I have been corresponding for a while now with my father's sister. She has been beautifully warm and accepting. In one of her e-mails she mentioned that I have a cousin who just started going to college in Boston. I searched his name on Facebook, and there he was! I sent him a message that said something along the lines of "I think you're my cousin," and I included a few family details. He wrote back and friended me. Now that he could see my Facebook profile, I quickly requested that he keep the fact that I'm gay to himself since I'm not out to my dad. His response was amazing. He said my secret is safe with him. It turns out he's gay too but does not want to come out to his parents until after college because he's heard stories of parents who refuse to continue supporting their children after they come out.
So, returning to the main current of my little narrative, I decided to try to get to Chicago. I called the bus company, and the woman on the phone told me that if I could make it to the bus terminal in 10 minutes I could make the bus to Chicago. My heart sank. I live relatively close to the bus station, but, since I don't own a car, I would have to drag my suitcases through the snow. There was no way I could make it in time. Yet I tried anyway. Hope is a thing with feathers ... that never stops at all. And I was profoundly tired at this point. Upon arriving at the bus station, I again called the airline to find out whether any other flight could get me to NH or Boston. (The bus, of course, had departed long ago.) To make a long and sad story short, I would have to wait the two days. So I waited.
My sister picked me up at the airport in NH, and we immediately started driving to Boston. It was still possible for us to meet our cousin, but this would probably be our only chance. Foolishly, I volunteered to be the navigator. If there is anyone on this planet who is least meant to direct a trip, especially through a city as labyrinthine as Boston, I am he. Hours later (I will not bother narrating our frustrating wanderings.) we succeeded in meeting up with our cousin. We had dinner and told our stories, and then we went to see The Golden Compass, about which I will now digress.
I have rarely seen a movie that captured my impressions (both negative and positive) of a book so perfectly. I must say I adore His Dark Materials; it is a wonderful series. Nonetheless, after I read the first book, I put it down for a few years. I will repeat that: years. I did this for two reasons. The Golden Compass produced in me a paradoxically ambivalent impression. It was both too simple and too provocatively substantial. Compared with the other two books in the series, which travel between many, fully realized worlds populated by diverse and fascinating characters, The Golden Compass is oddly flat. It is the foundation for a breathtaking edifice, but, like all foundations, it is, as I say, distinctly flat. At the same time, the rabid opposition of many authoritarian Christian groups to the movie is understandable. As a Witness, I found Pullman's message to be quite threatening.
Their opposition is grounded, I believe, in an unnecessarily and unfairly literal interpretation of the series. The author is an atheist, but, while his series does not demand an atheistic interpretation, I would first like to address the argument that it's wrong to expose children's minds to atheism.
Do children have the right to hear stories set in universes in which “God” is opposed? Do children have the right to hear stories by Jews in which the claims of Christ are denied? Do children have the right to hear stories by Buddhists, for whom “God” is irrelevant? Do children have the right to hear stories that contain pagan deities? Censorship of such stories implies, in my opinion, three assumptions. (1) Theism (and especially a certain form of it--one's preferred sect of Christianity) is true. (2) Children do not have the proper mental defenses to oppose the claims of an author. Thus, they should not be exposed to other belief systems until their childhood is over and they have been thoroughly indoctrinated by their parents. (3) Truth cannot stand up to scrutiny, analysis, and comparison. The first claim is a matter of faith, not knowledge. The second is partially true; children should be shielded from dangerous thoughts until they are old enough to analyze them with rational detachment. (Many religions should be included, in my humble opinion, in the category of “dangerous thoughts.”) However, by the time a person could read _His Dark Materials_ with comprehension, his rational faculties _should_ be strong enough to defend him against obvious error. I say "should" because there are obviously a vast herd of people, many of whom are not children, who are easily manipulated and deceived by sophistry. The third notion is obviously false. Comparison and analysis, if exercised with unceasing determination, will only make the real nature of things clearer. The faith that gives out when tried by this fire and cut by this subtle, analytic knife will fall away and leave behind something better than before; the faith that abides after this process will have gathered to itself more wisdom and strength than before. If one has strong faith in one’s faith, he should not fear other belief systems.
“I may remain a child. I need not leave the womb.” The idea is seductive. A part of being human is the compulsion to be humiliated, to bow down before the King, the Lover, or the God, to submit to the Authority. Children are hardwired to accept authority, and only gradually do they learn to know their own mind, to cherish freewill, to trust their own judgment, to listen to the still, quiet voice of their inviolable conscience. This very human need for humiliation can be filled by religion, by romance, by government, and even by the idolization of popular figures. There is a certain Jewish story of the childhood of our race. In this story, which finds much of its historical origin in some Yahwistic priests’ opposition to the worship of Yahweh’s consort, we learn that mankind Fell when a woman chose to become too divine. Already possessing life without end, she sought knowledge, and the price of knowledge was suffering and death. Gnosis, freedom, and life have always required sacrifice. Like most stories about childhood, this one is about growing up.
Philip Pullman did not feel oppressed by the Anglican Church, which he states provided him with a sense of security as a child; rather, he is opposed to religious fundamentalism. Again, his opposition to authoritarian religion permeates his series. But his atheism does not. “God” may be variously defined. If defined as the Demiurge, the Creator, Pullman’s series is silent about the matter. In a material universe that already existed and was permeated by sentient particles (Dust), a being emerged from the Dust. This being, Jehovah, told those who subsequently coalesced out of the Dust that he created them. This lie (that he is God, the Creator), his power as the first angel, and another powerful lie (the Christian myth of the Fall, the sacrifice of Christ, and the necessity of the Church and her Magisterium -- her, if I may use the Witness term, Faithful Slave) are used by him to dominate and infantilize all living things and to oppose Dust and all that she is associated with. If one’s tradition affirms God to be immanent in creation, God may be identified with Dust. This pantheistic interpretation would be just as heretical to the Christians, but, as heresies go, perhaps they would find it less repugnant than atheism. Certainly, Pullman objects to the Christian doctrine which would make the Creator the entirely Other—completely separate from his creation and, since the Fall and due to his holy nature, offended by it.
The series is not about the existence or non-existence of God. Concerning the “God” who dies (he’s not killed by the children, by the way, and the fact of his death belies the claims that Pullman’s is an atheistic story because death presupposes existence.), I think Blake’s words are apt:
To the Accuser Who is the God of This World
Truly My Satan thou art but a Dunce
And dost not know the Garment from the Man
Every Harlot was a Virgin once
Nor canst thou ever change Kate into Nan
Tho thou art Worshipd by the Names Divine
Of Jesus & Jehovah: thou art still
The Son of Morn in weary Nights decline
The lost Travellers Dream under the Hill
The God who perishes is a feeble, insane being served by monsters. He bears the name of something worthy of worship, but he is nothing of the kind. Pullman’s series is designed to promote the positive values that he cherishes (innocence and experience, femininity, freedom of the will, soul, and conscience of humanity, truth and wisdom), and it affirms that growing up, though it involves pain and loss, is worth every terrible sacrifice. Who, then, should fear these books?
*Those who scorn this world, looking upon it as dead matter. The doctrine of this world’s creation _ex nihilo_ asserts that, while the world was created “good,” it is an artifact. Being separate from God, being essentially different from the spiritual, the world is subject to the lordship of mankind, who is made in God’s image. Pullman is opposed to this dualistic doctrine. He reminds us that we are of this world. If we persist in ignoring the inextricable union between consciousness and matter, if we persist in using technology to cut apart the delicate bonds of nature (e.g., Asrael’s blade that severs soul from body, the subtle knife that, in cutting the barrier between the worlds, releases horrific spectors, the bomb that made an abyss of non-existence in the world of death), we will doom ourselves. “Matter loves Dust.” But if we whose consciousness consists of Dust do not learn to love matter and instead persist in hating or ignoring it, we will be the authors of our own destruction.
*The ascetics, the haters of life. While Pullman draws on Gnostic notions, his myth departs from the Gnostic cosmology in a significant way. In _His Dark Materials_, Yahweh, whatever his claims may be, did not really create the material world. As I stated above, there is no dualistic incompatibility between spirit and matter. Dust, consciousness, is, in some positive sense, material. This runs contrary to a major theme of the Orthodox and, to an even greater degree, the Catholic and Protestant Christian traditions. Though not many Christians took up the knife like Origen to make themselves eunuchs, the Christian distrust and even fear of sexuality and the body in general is an obvious fact of history and finds an interesting parallel in Pullman's notion of intercision. Children whose union with their daemon (soul) has been severed are kept free of sin because they no longer exercise an independent will and never become sexual beings. Similarly, the tragic love of Baruch and Balthamos represents Pullman's criticism of the Church's homophobia.
*Those who so value innocence and childish submission to authority that they want to infantilize people (themselves and others) and keep them ignorant. It is a curious fact that, in the Old Testament, wisdom evolves (or, in my opinion, breaks down) into piety. Wisdom is replaced by submission to the Law and fear of the Lord. Proverbs becomes Ecclesiasticus. I understand the motivation behind this development. When the chaos of my childhood was replaced by the structure of the Organization, when the uncertainty and confusion were replaced by a detailed account of exactly what I should be and do and think, I was inexpressibly relieved. In fact, one of the major reasons why I enjoy _His Dark Materials_ is because I can relate to Will and Lyra's condition. They are forced to grow up quickly and take on very adult responsibilities without much personal experience to guide them. Even before Will meets up with Lyra, he has to take care of his disabled mother without the aid of his father. I embraced being a Jehovah's Witness because it let me be a child. I left because it would not let me grow up. It is interesting that Islam, the religion of submission, emphasizes the notion of destiny and Jehovah's Witnesses, who are consumed by the notion of God's authority or sovereignty, are obsessed with prophecy. Prophecy can only be proclaimed in a universe with a destiny; when Lyra, in accord with her destiny, brings destiny to an end, the alethiometer falls silent. It no longer tells her what to do or what will be. I suspect it retains only the power to reveal the truth of what is, as a universe consisting of adult, self-realizing individuals unfolds. Childhood is nice but nebulous. For this reason, the daemons of children fluctuate and are unattractive to specters.
The preservation of the valuable things mentioned above requires sacrifice. This represents an interesting paradox. The Church which Pullman opposes also demands sacrifice. She humiliates people, crushes their free will, keeps them ignorant, and then, when they are thoroughly humble, thoroughly aware of their low, sinful nature, she tells her children, the slaves of God, that their only hope is to sacrifice themselves to the things that are greater than they are, namely, God and his Church. Pullman realizes that those who, though they sacrifice their very lives, don’t value their lives and the elements of life (i.e. knowledge, free will, sensuality, sexuality, etc.), offer something (their life) which they have made valueless. Pan and Lyra (and Lyra and Will) undergo the sacrifice of separation for the very opposite reason. They cherish their life, and their compassion for their friends and for living things in general is an outgrowth of their love. For the Mrs. Coulter and Lord Azrael plunge into the abyss with Metatron because they love their daughter. Lyra Belacqua, like a fertility goddess, descends into an underworld. (As a side point, I'd like to observe that Pullman's conception of the underworld draws heavily on the Greek model. He describes the underworld as a bleak place for the same reason the Greeks did. He loves life. Those who idealize death deprive the present reality of significance and meaning; those who cherish this world seldom spend effort imagining otherworldly heavens and paradises.) This sacrifice in conjunction with her name (Bel_acqua_) and character remind me of that passage in the _Tao Te Ching_ which reads:
There is nothing more yielding than water,
yet when acting on the solid and strong,
its gentleness and fluidity
have no equal in any thing.
The weak can overcome the strong,
and the supple overcome the hard.
Although this is known far and wide,
few put it into practice in their lives.
Although seemingly paradoxical,
the person who takes upon himself,
the people's humiliation,
is fit to rule;
and he is fit to lead,
who takes the country's disasters upon himself.
Lyra's descent into hell, like Orpheus' (who bore a lyre), symbolizes for all of us the hard price of knowledge and love. We must all pay the price for what we believe in. Alastair Reid once wrote an interesting poem entitled "Curiosity" which goes as follows:
may have killed the cat; more likely
the cat was just unlucky, or else curious
to see what death was like, having no cause
to go on licking paws, or fathering
litter on litter of kittens, predictably.
Nevertheless, to be curious
is dangerous enough. To distrust
what is always said, what seems
to ask odd questions, interfere in dreams,
leave home, smell rats, have hunches
do not endear cats to those doggy circles
where well-smelt baskets, suitable wives, good lunches
are the order of things, and where prevails
much wagging of incurious heads and tails.
Face it. Curiosity
will not cause us to die--
only lack of it will.
Never to want to see
the other side of the hill
or that improbable country
where living is an idyll
(although a probable hell)
would kill us all.
Only the curious have, if they live, a tale
worth telling at all.
Dogs say cats love too much, are irresponsible,
are changeable, marry too many wives,
desert their children, chill all dinner tables
with tales of their nine lives.
Well, they are lucky. Let them be
nine-lived and contradictory,
curious enough to change, prepared to pay
the cat price, which is to die
and die again and again,
each time with no less pain.
A cat minority of one
is all that can be counted on
to tell the truth. And what cats have to tell
on each return from hell
is this: that dying is what the living do,
that dying is what the loving do,
and that dead dogs are those who do not know
that dying is what, to live, each has to do.
The price we must pay for doing what we think is right.... This reminds me of some other things that happened during my vacation in NH.
Most of my time there was very pleasant. Onesong got a cabin in the White Mountains, and my sister and I went up there and spent Christmas with all our friends who left the Organization with us. After we got back, I spent a lot of time with my mom and grandparents. My sister and I had a few other fun nights with Onesong & Co., but, in general, I tried to give my mom and grandparents as much of my time as I could. They were very loving even though they know I'm not doing any JW stuff anymore. However, I did have two strange encounters with Witnesses while I was there, one of whom is a family member and the other of whom is the mother of a close childhood friend. I'll tell the story of the sister (i.e., my friend's mom) first.
She called me one evening and said something along these lines:
My faith is in tatters. My relationship with Jehovah doesn't feel real anymore. I've laid out all my Bible's in a room, and I'm just going to start from scratch. Can you come over and talk to me?...
She had other things to say as well, but I think that's enough to give an idea of what the conversation was like. It was snowing heavily, so I could not drive over that evening. And then I had to go on the trip to the White Mountains, but, when I got back, I went over to her house. However, by this time she had completely transformed! Now she just kept talking about how much she liked the rules of the Organization and the way they don't tolerate people living together without being married (I pointed out that living together essentially is what was meant by "marriage" in ancient times), abortion (I pointed out that the Bible has nothing explicitly to say about abortion even though it was practiced in ancient times), and homosexuality (I pointed out that all the things the Bible has to say about homosexual acts are rooted in historical contexts that have no relevance to the modern situation). There was more, but it was unremittingly judgmental and wearisome.
Now let me tell you about my aunt. She and my uncle avoided me the whole time I was there. I tried to drive over to their house because I want to always behave lovingly toward them, and, as I was leaving my grandparents' house to visit my aunt and uncle, my grandma hugged me and started crying. She said: "I love you so much. I'm afraid when you go over there your aunt and uncle will have some harsh words for you.... Could you ever love Jehovah again?"
"Oh, grandma. I love you too, but I don't want to get into this. I don't want to say anything I'll regret, and I don't want to debate with you about religion. We all have to do what we feel is right."
My grandpa walked into the room at that moment and said in his stern, Swedish way: "And you'll have to suffer the consequences."
"Yes, grandpa. We're all adults; we all experience the consequences of our actions."
So I went to my aunt and uncle's house, but, it turned out that no one was home. I left a message and went back to my grandparents'. My aunt continued avoiding me until a few days before I returned to IL.
She entered my grandparents' house. I said hi to her, and she replied in an angry voice, "Hi. Can I speak to you privately in the basement?" I went downstairs with her, and she immediately asked me, "Is it true that you are still speaking to Onesong even though he's disfellowshipped?"
"Yes."
"Then I have to be loyal to Jehovah. I love you, but I can never speak to you again."
"We all have to do what we feel is right. I love you too." I hugged her. Then I went to my room and cried for a little bit. After my aunt did that, things were very tense with my JW grandparents and mom. I'm glad to be back in IL.
OK. I've vented enough.
I wish you all a good day,
Veradico
hi there! it's been a while since I've written a meaningful post
by veradico 21 Replies latest jw friends
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veradico
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ferret
That's not a post. Its a book...lol
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AWAKE&WATCHING
(((((((((((((((((((((((Veradico)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Stay here with us and get in out of the cold.
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Abandoned
I love the Tao quote. Welcome back!
edit: because my spelling is attroshusss!
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veradico
Thanks, guys! Sorry again for writing such a long post. When I get started, I tend to have trouble stopping.
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wanderlustguy
Great post, great quote.
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mavie
You handled the situation with grace. Thank you for sharing.
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bythesea
So good to have you back on the forum! You express yourself so well, I always enjoy your contributions and thought processes! Glad to hear things are going mostly well in your world....and that you are managing to keep some family relationships and finding new ones! Hope we hear from you more often! I don't post here often, but you are one of the few I've talked privately with and have appreciated the thesis paper you sent me....take care.
bythesea
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onesong
Holy Crap V !!!!
That took me longer to read than the time you actually spent back here.
Gettin' ready to play some poker with the boys--they've been kicking my butt.
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veradico
Mavie, I only wish I could have handled it with more grace. Near the end of my stay my grandma kept pressing me to explain what I disagree with about the religion. If I had the strength of will, I would have remained silent. But then she said, "Can't you just do it [i.e., go to the meetings and stop talking to Onesong and my other disfellowshipped friends] for your mother? You made a vow. You were baptized."
I replied, "That's a lot to ask. I think disfellowshipping is wrong. I made a vow [by the way, I was a boy when I got baptized. I had no idea what I was doing. there's a reason children can't sign legally binding contracts.] to serve Jehovah and Jesus, and I don't think a God of love or Jesus would agree with shunning people. Samaritans were apostate Jews; their form of Judaism was viewed as heretical by the Jews. Nonetheless, Jesus spoke to the Samaritan woman."
This response, like most religious discussions with my family, made me feel false and inauthentic. I don't really think a personal God exists, but my response tacitly affirmed his existence. Also, merely allowing the subject to continue increased the tension in our house.
Bythesea, thank you for your kind words. I hope things are going well in your life. I'll try to post more often. But, when school's in session, I tend to just lurk.