by student1 20 Replies latest jw experiences
This is where the JW teachings come back to bite the parents on the ass. We were raised to believe that family bonds are irrelevant. Our REAL family is the people who happen to agree with us.
Maybe being away from your family is the right thing for you. But be sure that it's not just an extension of the above false teaching.
Your counselor is right,you don't have to see people you don't want to...I just told my aunt,who's a lush,that i didn't ever want to see her again as long as she comes to visit when she's been drinking and smoking(which is most of the time). I told her that's the best part about being an adult..is the ability to say NO! and mean it..and NO ONE can make you do anything otherwise.
You don't have a "duty" to subject yourself to an uncomfortable situation,i look at it like this: If people want to be around me,they know what i like,and what i don't....they know what i tolerate,and what i don't..therefore,if they want me to be present,then they will ensure that i'm not discomforted in any way when i'm present...it's a mutual thing,i won't discomfort them with my"stuff" and they won't discomfort me with theirs
You have to also learn how to "tactfully excuse yourself" from uncomfortable situations,don't get mad,just let people know where your boundaries are..over time they will learn,they just need training most of the time. You have to understand,as well as your folks,that sometimes people have to go separate ways,it's not that you don't love them anymore,or vice versa..it just means that you have another direction,that you've decided is best for you..not what they happen to think is best for you. One thing's for sure...If you try to please everyone,in the end,you will be the only unhappy person around..everyone else will be content because they'll have what they want.
My mother was shocked when i told her what i believed,or rather didn't belive anymore..she tried "witnessing" to me,at which point of reversed her argument,and inverted it..the very same technique i used to use in field service..i concluded the conversation by telling her i didn't want to hear of anymore "hall talk" and she wouldn't hear anymore"blasphemy" as long as i didn't,we still talk,but she understands where i'm at on that,so there's no problem.
I'm still her son..the same as i've always been,the only difference is...i think COMPLETELY for myself now..it's that simple
There are always irreconcilable differences, and personality clashes along with total dysfunction that make communication impossible to try to establish or restore. I have a brother for example who's a frustrated lawyer. My mother always said he was going to be the doctor or lawyer of the family. He didn't quite make it. Ask one question and he'll talk for 10 minutes and say nothing, all the while trying to impress his listener with his knowledge of the unabridged dictionary. I think there's a lot of jw's like that who spew out the wt. Haven't tried to communicate with him in three years and see no point in trying. Because if I did, I'd feel like saying 5 minutes into one of his monologues, "Um....Excuse me for interrupting, but I'm going to set down the phone now, and when you're through talking would you please hang up."
My mother (my only living parent) is CofE/ raised Catholic but believes in Tarrot /that she is semi-psychic. I went into JW aged 20 and though faded (26) stayed married and JWsubdued till 40. I divorced and still had this 'thou shallt honour thy mother' mentality which enabled me to again try and connect with her for the umpteenth time. However this did not sit well with siblings for reasons of their own. Since I had been a JW I must be in some way weird or have illogical psychology. I sensed it constantly. I was just honestly trying to be as uncomplicated as is possible. JWs complicate life enough. But so do other religio/spiritism/socio psychologies. And so my mother said she felt like the prodigal son was returning to what he had known. I can assure you I was not. It is impossible for me to be what others want me to be. I would not wish it of others. It is why it is so ironical so many think to impose the same on me. It is why I cannot bond with my family! I am very sadly better placed to live life without them and their imposing ideology. Maybe you feel the same?
student
It is not wrong to take time out to think about things. The WTS would have you guilt yourself into submission.
You said that you have low self-esteem. Perhaps you should work on this first. Have you completed an education? Maybe get back into the swing of things. Using your brain and making a good grade can work wonders at making you feel accomplishment. Also, volunteering and doing things for others can make you feel as though you are a contributing member of society.
When you feel better about yourself, and mentally stronger, why not contact the family again. You will be better able to announce to them that you do not wish to be "led back" into the WTS, and maybe you can reach middle ground with the family. Once you've made this clear, and have more confidence, hopefully they will see that you are serious, and you can have a relationship that is family but not constantly arguments and bickering or dreading when they bring up the WTS thinking.
Speaking as a mother, and as one that has lost one parent and will soon lose another, don't look back with sadness at the relationship you could have had. Just give it some time........
Thank you for your comments, In answer to Quandrys question I have recently completed a degree in psychology and am now very happily training to be a college teacher of psychology..
this change of carreer for me has boosted my esteem and teaching is very rewarding even if it is one of the hardest things i have done (besides doing a very dramatic departure from jws and losing a whole world of friends!!.. despite the hardship the rewards are many in leaving as I am sure you all know!!)
xxx
Well, then, good for you!!! You have every right to be extremely proud. You have worked hard to gain what you have.
Take a deep breath. You are going to be a great teacher because you have experienced many pschological blows and seen how an organization, ostensibly of love, can manipulate and hold out hopes that the new system is sooooo close that are similar to the Pavlov's dog experiments!!!
You just need time....a bit of time.......
Hi Student 1,
Now that you have a degree and are at teacher training the boost in self esteem and confidence will help in all your relationships. hopefully your relatives will see that. if not don't worry about it and enjoy the company of those who love you for what you are.
I graduated when i was 40 and my self esteem went up dramatically and i feel at ease with myself
Well done and good Luck
Regards llbh
Student1,
It is not wrong that you do not wish to see your family. While it is considered "good" to be "dutiful" there is nothing that says one must place oneself in a situation that leaves one open to hurt--of whatever kind. Your family members seem likely--at this time--to say or do some things that seem harmless or even "good" to them, but which may prey on your psyche in a negative way for days or months to come. In your present state of being, you need not sacrifice your own well-being to satisfy some self-imposed standard of filial duty. For a visit with your family to be beneficial, you must be in a place where you are able to set boundaries of conduct and then abide by them with fortitude and without rancor. You need NEVER put yourself in line to be hurt in order to make others feel good. IMNSHO
out
I am going to sort of agree with your counselor. You don't need to feel guilty, and you don't
need to see anyone you don't want to see. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then don't
see people- especially the ones that make you feel guilty. Remember that you are not shunning
anyone and you don't have to play by any WTS rules.
Here's one area that I would differ with you and your feelings on- but it's just for me, not necessarily
for you. I would see family a little bit. I would do the obligatory funerals and weddings and I would
reach out to any family that are reaching out to me. I might not see them regularly, but I wouldn't
want to isolate myself from them, either. If it were uncomfortable, I would go out of my way to visit
them in places that I can walk away from- restaurants where many family are gathering or at some
event- reunions or children's recitals or ballgames, stuff where I am not the only visiting relative or
where the event or child's importance is higher than my own being there.
Family is important to me. If a family member was JW and did not shun me, I would continue to have
a relationship. If they did shun me, I would still send postcards or something. Family that reaches out
after leaving the JW's- I would view them as extremely important to have SOME contact with. But
that's just me. You can follow your counselor's advice if you can't handle or don't want to handle family
visits. Just- if it were me- I would avoid having them try to come to me by going to them under my own
terms, able to walk away whenever I want to.
