Is JWD #1.....My Therapist....his first advice on JW's, me, and divorce

by oompa 47 Replies latest jw friends

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  oompa

  I have told my new therapist so much about JWD, some of the insightful comments here, and how much it has helped me and other dubs that we both now wonder if there are other JW Help sites. I really don't know as this was the first and only one I ever found, and it was just what I needed.

  He has pegged me well as impatient, and knows I was vocal about my wake-up from JW. His advice right now is to back off totally on trying to help any others, and I have told him that many here have said no one will wake-up until they want to for some reason. As far as me feeling isolated and nearly friendless, he recommends going to JW meetings some, and really try to find points that I agree with. In other words, still do some JW meeting stuff for wife and son i.e. social reasons. I did admit that I had some really good friends at one time, and that JW's do encourage family values (in some ways) kindness, blah, blah, but that the word "bull$hit" would be on the tip of my tounge at all times if I have to attend anymore. He suggested it would help me "slow down" my thinking some, which may be good for my on peace of mind and family stability.

  This practice has two shrinks and now this therapist I have seen. They all feel JW is a high control cult or cult-like group. One more thing he thinks is likely to happen, and that the other shrinks almost recommended is divorce. JW has been the center of my life, my marriage, and without it in my heart, my wife seems almost like a stranger to me, and me to her. We just don't have a lot in common now without JW. I may try to slow down a little and try SocialJWism. Divorce sucks IMOP! I had 15 yrs and two great kids in one and got trashed, now ten from marrying on the rebound. I don't want to start over. I have a great wife in so many ways, but somehow I don't things will ever be the same. I know some of you have been married a long time one in and one out and have been advised here to build on the things we do have in common, and about all that is there is cooking and travel. Let's face it, you can only travel so much.......oompa
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  Satanus

  Sounds like you still have some tough decisions to make. Whatever you do, there's no rush. Not helping others is a good idea. It will help you to focus on yourself and what you want for yourself. Also, cutting down outside influences helps in listening to your inner self.
  
  S
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  OnTheWayOut

  A therapist who suggest going back for social reasons is prioritizing a certain part of
  your concerns. I am not an expert, but I totally disagree. If you managed to get out of
  the Hall, how could you be accepted socially unless you became totally active again?
  That is how the JW's think. The therapist probably doesn't understand that you can't
  just appreciate the morals and meet with the JW's for social events. You are in or you
  are out. The only exception is those that never revealed that they were out.

  There is some validity to what they say about divorce, but you have strong opinions and
  I tend to agree with you- divorce sucks. If you have a measure of happiness or security
  or whatever you are looking for with your mate, and want to keep it- THEN KEEP IT.
  If you tell the therapist to work within your confine of STAYING MARRIED, and make him
  understand your feelings, then his advice might be fine-tuned to you- or you might need
  a different therapist.

  I would suggest starting to develop a life outside of the JW's. I cannot freely meet with
  ex-JW's and avoid a DF'ing, but I do a little bit of that. I told JWD that I needed to go back
  to A.A.. Well, now I tell my wife that I am meeting with a "support group" which is true, but
  I don't tell her that I have two different support groups (one is former JW's). If that's too
  far to push it with the wife, get a hobby that interacts with others, volunteer your time, work
  out at the gym, train a dog, join a book club, start an outside life that a JW cannot disapprove
  of.

  Just my thoughts. You might have something different in mind.
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  Rebirth

  You need to decide for yourself, but I would look very cautiously at his advice to divorce, especially with children in the picture. Try really hard to look ahead and envision what it will be like for everyone including your kids if you divorce.

  Just something to think about, good luck on starting a new life w/o the controlling influence of JWs.
• 

  sweetstuff

  A therapist who suggest going back for social reasons is prioritizing a certain part of
  your concerns. I am not an expert, but I totally disagree. If you managed to get out of
  the Hall, how could you be accepted socially unless you became totally active again?

  I completely agree with OTWO! It is interesting that they consider it a high control group, yet are suggesting you return there for social reasons, bizarre, IMO.

  Leaving the JW's doesn't mean leaving your marriage Oompa. Your wife hasn't left yet right? And you are totally inactive. I would say that's a good sign that if you tread the path carefully, regardless of the religion er cult, you can keep your marriage intact, but it will be a slow process, with some downs, before it starts going uphill.

  You really should try to expand your life outside the JW box, like OTWO, suggested. And make sure the reason you want to keep your marriage intact is the right reason. That you love her and want to be her partner for life. Anything less than that, is a diservice to both of you, IMO. Good luck, hugs!!
• 

  mamochan13

  OOmpa, I'm not on the board often, so I don't know much about your situation. It surprises me that your therapist would be suggesting divorce (however subtle the suggestion). A good therapist will try to help you find your way and try to help you clarify your thinking, but you are the one who chooses the direction. That being said, perhaps you are giving off some strong signals that you feel divorce is inevitable and your therapist is simply reflecting your feelings back to you.

  I hear what you are saying about not having much in common outside JW, and I'm sure you would face a difficult road if you try to keep going to meetings for the sake of your family. At the same time, divorce is extremely traumatic, particularly on the children. I'm twice divorced and would never remarry, but I do wish I could have found a different way to do it.

  I think your therapist has given you good advice overall on slowing down and finding stability - its hard to make good decisions when too many things are competing in your mind.

  I've found that taking a step back from things and asking a couple key questions has been very helpful: 1. will this matter 10 years from now? 2. how do I envision my future and where do I want my life to be 10 years from now? Another important thought I've come to embrace is that I cannot change the past so there is nothing to be gained by agonizing over past choices and past behaviours I regret.

  Seeing a good therapist can make all the difference, so I'm glad you've found someone who you are comfortable working with and who understands a bit about your background as a JW. As we all know, that's an area many of us have a problem with.
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  bikerchic

  My only thought is that your therapist is trying to get you to slow down and I agree with that. Nothing needs to be decided immediately and especially with so much at stake, take your time. We or maybe it's just me....usually make our worst decisions based on a whim or a rash moment when we think we just can't take status quot anymore. I know I've regretted it every time I've done that and I hope you heed these words, they are the wisest words I have to offer.

  Rome wasn't built in a day!

  Therapy requires so much of you and you do best when you require little of yourself, by this I mean just relax, take it all in like a sponge but don't wring yourself out trying to make things happen. Trust the process and be patient!

  This might be a good time to learn Guided Imagery and find your quiet place so you can meditate and calm yourself. When you are calm you will be better able to make good decisions.

  As far as the meetings are concerned you might give it a try if you don't think it would be sending confusing messages to your wife. As a woman I hated wishy-washy thinking on my husbands part. Either $#!+t or get off the pot! You really need congruency in your life not confusion.
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  oompa

  Otwo and Sweet stuff as long as I keep my mouth shut, I could possibly socialize and not be df'd. I do know one couple I have been friends with for years, and they go to no more than two meetings a month, do zero ministry, and yet still do the "get togethers" (sounds like hooking up). I know they do not believe anymore...I have seen their eyes roll way too often at the hall. Of course, my wife does not like them around much because they are so "negative" (awake). Is anybody else effectivly faded in full, but still goes once in awhile to meetings for non-spiritual meetings? I know I could not do bookstudy as long as CLIMAX is the topic....can't believe I said that!.....oompa

  ps. wife went with me last week and said she hopes the meds will help and that she hopes I will come to know Jehovah again, and then that she wants to stay married.......like it may be a condition...
• 

  GoingGoingGone

  When I read your therapist's comments, I tend to think that although he says that the JWs are a high control group, he doesn't completely understand the dynamics involved in leaving such a group. There were a few things that jumped out at me....

  His advice right now is to back off totally on trying to help any others

  Does he mean to stop posting on JWD? I agree that in order to actively help others, you have to be healed yourself. But so much of the help we give and receive on JWD is passive, imho. Just reading that others experience the same things we do, feel the same things we do, is sooo helpful.. it made me feel like I wasn't crazy, that I wasn't losing my mind, and that my experiences were totally normal given the situation I was in.

  Working to heal yourself takes work, and actively going out and helping others leave before you have done the work is, imho, one way of avoiding the healing process and the work involved. But I think that JWD has contributed greatly to my healing.

  As far as me feeling isolated and nearly friendless, he recommends going to JW meetings some, and really try to find points that I agree with. In other words, still do some JW meeting stuff for wife and son i.e. social reasons. I did admit that I had some really good friends at one time,

  I also lost all my friends when I left the WT. I think that coming to the realization that these are conditional friends is truly a process. I didn't want to admit it at first. My friends were as true as they come, we had a lot in common and really respected each other as people and enjoyed each other's company. But their friendship (and especially the closeness that they allow to enter the friendship) is conditional upon my being an active JW. Unless you become an active, believing JW again (or go through all the motions), your close friends will no longer be close friends. If you still want to be friends with the JWs, invite them to dinner... to a movie... over for drinks. See if they come, or if they make excuses. If they come and you enjoy being with them, then great! If not, then find new friends. Easier said than done... I'm still looking... Divorce sucks... I have a great wife in so many ways, but somehow I don't things will ever be the same. Things will never be the same if you are out and she is in. But that doesn't mean that the marriage is over, unless that is what you both want. You had JW activities in common before... Meetings, service, and assemblies are NOT fun... If you can find things that you both enjoy, FUN things, and truly enjoy the time you have together, then maybe the lines of communication will open up again, too. Either way, it's worth a try if you're trying to salvage your marriage. Good luck to you... GGG
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  oompa

  Going: Does he mean to stop posting on JWD? ...........No he means to stop trying so hard with my JW fam and friends....I have driven them all nuts......oompa