Some days its so far in my past, I can hardly recall it. This morning it was very close. I can go along for months, sometimes years and not think about it. And then something triggers old feelings…..the way the weather feels, driving down an old familiar street….days when I feel older. When I reflect on my past life, decades ago.
The first time he hit me I was pregnant. I don’t remember the exact circumstances, but I know I must have disagreed with him and SMACK, I got it across the face. We were in the car and I must have been in shock as I just took it internally. Surely he did not mean to hit me?
The second time he hit me was the first day I had our newborn son home. My son was crying and I was trying so hard to make him happy, I was tired, a new mom just home from the hospital. This baby demanded all my attention and I could see my husband getting more and more agitated……..ohhhhhh please baby, what’s wrong? I held him so close in my arms and there it came again SMACK across the face!!!!
I learned how to keep his attacks a secret. From the outside looking in, we were the perfect happy little family.
I stayed married to that man almost ten years. The physical abuse came and went. I learned how to keep things from escalating. I learned how to run. I learned to keep my mouth shut.
Nights when he came home after drinking, I knew to pretend to be asleep or the fighting would start. But sometimes, it did not work out that way. He wanted to rant just to be ranting. Too tired from a long day of caring for kids, I quit fighting him. He would hit me and I just took it, surviving the best I could……..not escalating.
My head banged against the wall, until I saw stars, wow, just like the cartoons! Up all night repeatedly hit until I passed out from exhaustion, then he was sorry!
I got caught in walk-in closets, in between the bed and wall of my bedroom. Little places I was trapped and could not run away from him, so he could yell and beat me.
I stayed at a house for battered women once……..wow, how did I belong here. These women were poor and uneducated…..I was different!!! We had money, a nice house, new furniture and cars. We could work this out. I could be a better wife. This had to be my fault.
My children started to witness his abuse. Standing between us to keep me from being kicked with his cowboy boots on or his attempts to burn me with his cigarettes.
My very existence ….my life was living in fear. I was tired all the time, beat down, no self-esteem whatsoever.
He would be sorry, and promise not to do it anymore. I mean afterall, I would be too. We had a family, a house, a future. He worked hard and had a lot on his mind.
One time I went to my mothers house for help. I was there a few days and she got angry with me and said ….NO wonder XXXXX beats you, you are hard to live with. Believing her, I went back determined to change, to be better.
I know this is not something I have seen discussed on this board. I hope no woman is abused in any way from their husband, especially physically.
It does not seem to be a problem rampant among JW’s but I have found some and I have found that it’s a worse taboo to talk about than child molestation.
After four sons, I had a daughter. She gave me strength and life. She was not going to see me hit and abused by a man. Like I saw it happen to my mom. She was not going to witness me being treated disrespectfully and not going to see me beat down. If I had to shovel shit for the rest of my life, she would not be an abused woman. The only way I knew to do that was to not let her witness it herself. I left my ex-husband when she was 5 months old.
My daughter would beat the shit out of a man, spit him out and serve him up to the devil if they touched her. She knows and will not live or tolerate it.
She will never suffer in silence at the hands of an abuser, she will shout out that it is wrong! She will not think she deserved it.
She will defend herself, and will expose.
I am proud of her.
My sons saw their father go on to abuse three more wives after me. The second wife shot him, missing where she was aiming, but got him three times!!! She was not prosecuted. If I had known you could shoot a man and get away with it……..oh man, I would have done it. I wished him dead so many times.
My oldest son has anger issues and does not know how to handle problems unlike his dad. He has recently been divorced.
The three younger sons would never touch a woman. They saw less of the abuse than the oldest one. They know there are alternative ways to handle problems.
I was validated by the three wives after me that suffered at the hands of my ex’s abuse. So many still think women deserve to be knocked around to keep them in their place. Amazing that happens in every race, income level, all parts of the world, all ages.
My scars are deep. I am especially sensitive to people that have been hurt in life at the hands of someone perceived as more powerful.
I understand the dynamics of abuse, being victimized and the pattern that develops.
I was abused as a child, and as a wife, in the workplace and by a religion.
I am proud today, even though I can’t keep old feelings from surfacing. I made it out.
I have walked away and continue to grow and learn.
I hope that my daughter can go through life and not repeat the pattern. It looks very promising. I am proud my sons learned how to stand up to what they know is wrong and not accept their fathers example. Even the oldest has gone for help.
Thanks for reading and if any woman out there is being abused, you can get away, it can be different for you. If you want help pm me and I will do what I can do help.
Leslie