For those who missed the drama, you can check it out here if you wish to www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/140100/1.ashx
For those who know a little about my past and my mother - she had the nerve to call me today and leave an urgent message for me to call her. I thought it was about my dad or that something bad had happened since her last comment to me was that I was dead to her, or something to that effect.
Anyway, with my heart in my throat I called her:
Me: Mom, it's me returning your call is everything ok?
Mom: Oh, hey honey how are you? I haven't heard from you and was wondering how you were doing.
Me: I'm fine..............
Mom: Well you don't call me anymore and I was worried.
Me: You told me not to contact you, remember?
Mom: I know I just want so much for you to come back to Jehovah and have everlasting life. You know the bible gives us this loving arrangement to guide those who have left Jehovah and aid them into coming back as not to miss out on everlasting life. Don't you want to live forever? Don't you want your kids and grandchildren to live forever?
Me: No I don't want to live forever. What I want is to enjoy the life I have now. I want to continue to watch my children grow up and for our relationship to mature and eventually enjoy grandchildren. I want to be healthy enough to enjoy these things and die old, happy and as healthy as I can be. I want to have a relationship with my firstborn son, I want to have a relationship with you and dad and for you to enjoy your grandchildren that you have cut yourself off from. As for Jehovah, I was never with Jehovah. Jehovah was forced on me, it was what you wanted, so no I will never return to Jehovah or the WTBTS.
Mom: You sound so angry, I don't want you to be unhappy (I stopped her here)
Me: Yes I am angry, I'm angry because I don't and have never felt LOVE from my mother. I'm angry because I feel that the organization you choose to devote your life to has in part caused you to be a mother unable to give unconditional love. But I don't think I sound angry to you right now. I'm past that, I've accepted it for what it is and I've moved on. I think you need to also. As far as being happy, I am happy. My life is good, it could be better if I could accomplish some of the personal things I mentioned to you earlier, that would make me a happier person because I'd have my mother and my father and my son in my life. But, If I can't have you in my life because you love me and accept me for who I am then no, that won't make me happy. If the only way I can have you in my life is to do things your way or as you would say "Jehovah's way" then no, that won't make me happy.
Mom, are you happy? Are you happy having 7 children and only having a relationship with 3? I'm a mother and I think about L (my oldest) everyday. There is not 1 day that goes by that I don't wonder how he is, if he has what he needs, even though he's almost 25 I wonder if he's hungry, where he sleeps, what he's going through physically, mentally. If he has a girlfriend (or boyfriend). I wonder if he thinks of me and his dad (my husband adopted him, his sperm donor left before he was born) or his brothers.
Mom, do you miss me? Do you love me? Will you ever be able to accept me for the person I am and have grown up to be?
Mom: Of course I love you and I'm sorry for that letter I sent you. But because you will not accept Jehovah I'm torn between doing what is right and being in your life.
At this point I told her I had to go, I'm at work. I just couldn't stand another word. Just when I think I'm strong enough to repel anything she could possibly do or say to hurt my feelings, she breaks through my repellant. I'm off to the lab to invent a stronger repellant
I just needed to vent - thanks for listening.
nj