I have been reluctant to post this as it reveals much about me. WT spies keep in mind that I could
be changing some of the details just to throw you all off. I could actually be an active MS from a
small town in Idaho, with a wife and 4 kids. It takes two to prove it, anyway
Here's some of the story:
My mother trained me and my siblings from the PARADISE LOST book when we were little. She hid
it from my dad. Since he was working and drinking, we wound up going to the meetings with her, but
occasionally, he would show up and take us out. At least once, he made a scene at the hall.
My mother quit going to the hall after her DF shortly after 1975. She also was divorced shortly before that happened.
She tried to have a normal life, almost reconciled with my dad, but changed her mind and I stayed with
her while my siblings moved in with my dad after turning 14 (part of the divorce decree allowed each child
to go to whichever parent they chose after 14).
My mother hooked up with her current husband and they lived together for a few years. She decided to
go back to the K.H. and get reinstated. She asked if I wanted to go. I said NO WAY. I never went with her.
I did not experience them shunning her. Somewhere in there, she got reinstated. I did not like the rules at
home, and it got worse once she was a JW again. I turned 14 in there and moved to Dad's home. One sibling
was already out of the house, and the other was almost out of High school. Meanwhile, Dad had more kids so
there were little kids in the house. His drinking was bad, but it didn't effect his work.
I got hooked on drugs and booze and dropped out of school just short of graduating. I joined the military and
saw the world. I did a six-year hitch and enjoyed Europe, South America, the Caribbean, Africa- just a taste of
many of these, but I loved travel. Before my hitch was over, the heavy drinking caught up to me. I made a mess
of my life and attempted suicide. I put a gun in my mouth and tried to pull the trigger. I assumed divine intervention
when my hair-trigger gun did not go off. In reality, I am sure it was just not being able to go through with it.
Instead of getting treated for my attempted suicide, the military treated me for alcoholism. They put me in a hospital
with counseling by amateurs. There was nothing wrong with the program. I am sure I needed it, as I am an alcoholic.
It just never addresses my suicide attempt. I was made to go to AA meetings while still in the service.
I contacted my mother and father while getting treatment. Mom sent some JW's to the hospital to talk to me.
Since I assumed divine intervention on the suicide, I figured divine intervention was still going on. These JW's were
sent by God. They gave me a NWT Bible and some brochure. I read the Gospels in a couple of days. The JW's
studied with me and everything they said must have been true- afterall, this was divine intervention. It seemed to
make sense, so I didn't question it. I got out of the military and stayed in that area to continue studying. I got
a cleaning job from a "brother" and got baptized shortly after.
Even though I was sure I should be a JW, my study went into the LIVE FOREVER book, and I had many questions.
The elder covering the book with me felt that I was being stubborn for asking so much. He thought I should just
parrot the answers to the questions, since I was already baptized before finishing the book. He was glad to finish
with me and move on to other students. I actually felt like he was finished with me as soon as he couldn't count
as much field service time, as he was a pioneer. So now I had unanswered questions and got the brush off. Other
JW's liked me, so I got over it. Besides, I was working hard and going out in service every weekend. No time to
figure out what's wrong.
I married a "sister" who was a few years out of high school and still living at home so she could pioneer. She was
the only baptized witness in her immediate family, although some of them went to the hall regularly and she had
distant family that was JW. We had a short courtship and got married with the blessings of all the JW's.
1995 rolled around. I was a newly appointed elder by then. I still had many problems with the doctrine, but had
never really gotten around to investigating them. I did learn to use the computer to do talks and loved the WT Library
when the first one came out. Talks got easier and easier. I was really good at promoting the WT doctrines. But
when that "This Generation" change rolled around, I couldn't believe it was just no big deal to the elders and rank
and file. I tried to get some JW's to comment about the problems with it, but nobody admitted it was a problem. The
elder who studied with me had beat it into my head that the 1914 Generation was old and the end was right around
the corner. I dropped questions, as I was a new elder.
Many judicial matters disturbed me. It was always procedure before kindness. Organizational loyalty was ahead of
anything else. The BOE was hiding things from the C.O. so he wouldn't come down on them.
I had decided to pursue a better job because of the 1995 Generation change. It looked like I was going to retire in this
system of things so I better be doing something that made more money than washing windows and floors. I won't tell
you what job I eventually landed, because I am a fader, but let's say I was very happy with the work, and still am.
The money was much better than a janitor could make. I started taking vacations to actual resorts and tropical places
because I remembered seeing the world and loving it when I was in the military. My wife was thrilled to see the world,
too.
Years past. We were busy, but happy. We moved to a foreign lang. cong. because my wife knew the language,
and the Borg was pushing it. Also, I thought I wouldn't be appointed an elder because I didn't know the language.
I was wrong. They appointed me. I was busy learning the language instead of focusing on the doctrine. I did learn
enough to be used at the meetings and even deliver public talks, but it was just saying the doctrine without really
reinforcing it in my mind. The struggle with the language allowed my mind to drop the constant indoctrination and
focus on the words. Soon, I severely doubted the doctrine.
I had spoken to my Mom about "this generation." Yes, I finally got around to addressing it. She told me about the
stuff she learned as a student prior to 1975. She learned that the end was right around the corner because Adam was
created 6000 years ago, and the creative day was 7000 years long. The only reason the end hadn't arrived yet was
because Eve must have been created some years after Adam and there was still time before the 7th creative day was
6000 years old. It sounded crazy, but what I learned was that she remembered and still believed the stuff she was
indoctrinated with- and I had an impossible time letting go of the stuff I was indoctrinated with (1914 generation).
In 2005, two things happened. I went to another elder school. They reminded us that elders' sins could be overlooked
if considered small, so that they could remain elders. The specifics were about viewing pornography, but older elders
told me that this was stated in the past over other matters. Prior to that school, I was at a DC where a Governing Body
member spoke. I didn't know who he was and I was promoting the doctrines that these guys dream up. I didn't know
how these guys came up with it. I researched the matter before the elders school, but nothing in print told me anything
about how the GB operates. It's members are "not inspired" but older mags said they operated like a prophet. It
didn't add up. When new information came out at the school, I was sure that it was wrong. Remembering that the GB
are not inspired, I decided that elders are not a clergy class that deserves special privileges. All those doubts I had,
but I was never at this point- able to say THEY ARE WRONG.
I kept quiet during the first half of 2006, but started reading stuff on the internet. I realized from freeminds.org and
jwfacts.com that WTS was a false prophet or a mind-control cult, or whatever you want to call a false religion of it's type.
I confided in my dad that I was going to make plans to get out from under the WTS control. I ordered many books.
The ones from former members, I had delivered to Dad's house.
I resigned as an elder, actually citing all my doubts from "this generation" and elders' sins overlooked and a few others.
The only lie I told the BOE was that I had "doubts." By the time I spoke to them, the doubts were over with. I knew.
My profile and threads can describe the shepherding that the C.O. did not really care to give me. I have had no help
whatsoever from the BOE or the C.O. except for when I first turned in my resignation. I continued going to meetings
for several months, cutting back. By the memorial of 2007, I was done with the meetings. I am very happy that the
elders did not try to help me back, but I act stumbled by their inaction for the wife to see that they are not good
shepherds unless the sheep stay in line.
My reason for telling my story:
I posted heavily (still do) on JWD as a way of providing self-therapy. I am still an
alcoholic and have fallen off the wagon about 6 times in the last 19-20 years. I always got right back on the wagon.
Some posters were praising my fade, asking me for advice. I felt very fragile. I enjoyed giving advice, but I honestly
don't think I was doing so great. I was obsessed with anti-JW information and this JWD board. I recently realized that
my mother doesn't want to come out of the Borg in any way, she wants them to keep making decisions for her. I also
know that my wife may one day come out, but right now she is loving the social aspect of being JW.
Meanwhile, I am dealing with why I am so bitter with WTS. Here's what I think. I never resolved my first issue. The
thing that made me suicidal was never addressed. Alcohol counsel was good, but not at the root of the problem. I don't
feel suicidal today. I don't even want to hurt myself or others. I am at peace with the rest of the world except for WTS.
I don't even have bitterness toward the members (except maybe the bumbling C.O.). I never resolved the issues because
Jehovah's Witnesses came and solved all my problems. "The end is right around the corner, so don't worry about what
made you suicidal." "You have a higher purpose in life now, declaring the good news about Jehovah's Kingdom."
This is probably why the "this generation" change disturbed me so much. I needed the end to arrive shortly. By 1995, I was
still distracted by daily work and marriage and preaching. After 1995, I was distracted by elder responsibilities and a
new better career. BUT I STILL NEVER ADDRESSED THE ORIGINAL PROBLEM. Even doing all the anti-JW research is
not addressing my original problems, but it helps.
Don't put me on a suicide watch. I will be okay. Fading is, in some ways, like not addressing the issues. I have been doing
that for 20 years. I won't be turning in a DA letter yet, but I must move closer to allowing issues to be out in the open. I will
spend time with non-JW family during holidays and I will enjoy watching R-rated movies or reading about cults or whatever I
want. For now, I will refrain from openly defying the WTS in front of my wife, but I may change my mind on that. I will start
doing research on my actual problems and will look for a good counselor.
I doubt that I will address this issue again on JWD. Therapy is very private (to me). I might change my mind. I just wanted
you all who care to better understand why I have been heavily posting, and generally bitter at WTS, experiencing ups and
downs. Thanks for reading. Now I have to fight the urge to delete this before hitting SUBMIT, so here goes.
Edited to add: I didn't delete it. Also important to the story. My wife decided to get an education after I started
making money. I didn't try to stop her, as we would be retiring in this system of things. She now has a master's
degree. She loves education, and is much happier than when she was a struggling lower wage worker.